Hurting, Self-Questioning, Undecided

Past Self-Denial

So, last night I was dumping my fantasies on Thumper’s Blog. It occured to me that it might be somewhat healing to talk about these things that I’m going through. Or write. If there was someone like me out there.

I don’t have much of a voice anymore. I used to be loud and know excactly what I want. Now I’m just undecided and ever questioning, myself and others. I’m almost thirty but feel like a girl, Alice in Wonderland, looking for myself in the looking glass. Finding nothing solid anymore. I get carded all the time, dress like a fiftie’s house wife and feel like I’m passing as a woman even if I’m supposed to be one.

I was sexually assaulted a few years back. After the fact I found my True Love, Wonderboy, who has had the pleasure of being my therapist, lover and teacher in all the aspects of my life. But especially in bed. That’s what I’m here to talk about. My craving for pain.

I want to be bound. I’m too Dangerous to be let out. I want him to show me I have a place.

I don’t know what to call it. I hate the most used terms. I can’t relate to BDSM – most of it is just too far out! I don’t want to be submissive. I’m assertive, even pushy. I like to make the decisions and plans. I am the one always ready for action, trying not to press too hard for sex every night. I am in no way a masochist. I’m level-headed, I indulge myself in culinary excitement as well as sensual.

I am just a Girl. That will do for now. A Rogue Bambi lost in the wilderness. So hiya!

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