And now for the good stuff.
Last night I learned what a fucking queer I am. Turns out that queer is not only a label for gay and trans people, it’s also for cross-dressers, bis and for us under the umbrella of the S. And. M. (Some people still use the old acronym. Well, academic people.) Basicly everything I am is queer. Never even occured to me. I wonder why?
I have a hard time adapting. I’m in a monogamous hetero partnership. But I’m bisexual. And hyper-sexual.
I’m a tomboy and a gender blender at heart but decided to play the role of a woman for a while. Maybe it’s submitting! (No, really. It’s the complete opposite.) Anyway, I like to play with it for now.
I don’t believe in god or any other magical deity. Good bye big church weddings. I don’t really accept the fact that in some places gays can’t marry (or even have a legal realtionship!). I don’t appreciate the feeling of being pushed to marry for the benefits of a family. I don’t like the things marrying used to represent for women. I’m not even considering taking his name. And I’m about to get married in August because there really is no other way to symbolize my commitment.
And I like it when it hurts. When I have no choices. But to obey. But I am much afraid of not fitting in the BDSM, either. Because, hey, if Bitchy couldn’t – how the fuck could I?
I used to have a hard time because I like both men and women. Heteros just don’t understand it. It either makes them uncomfortable or dubiously curious. (Which is my favorite response…) Lesbians thought I was a flimsy girl not to be trusted. I’ve been turned down for being bi. I’ve been critized for not making up my mind. I’ve struggled in a jealous hetero relationship because every night out with anyone was potentially a cheating thrill or a thrilling cheat. And yeah, in the end, it was.
In the past I’ve also talked with people in to BDSM and been pushed aside. Wait, that little buttercup, she’s just cruising. I’ve been asked why I’m in a gay bar if I’m not gay. It’s almost funny. You should think that people with very different inclinations than the rest of the population would be a bit more open minded.
But turns out that the best bet is to sleep with the hetero. Men and women. Oh yes. They’re easy pickings for someone over the top sexual and with some gender fluidity to counter what they’re offering. And reasonably pretty and witty. But my eye always wonders after the fragile, the one’s who have adapted something of the opposite sex – but are not of it.
That’s, you know, when it comes to personality and gender. When it comes to sex, well, as the singer says, these are the days when anything goes.
And now, suddenly, I have a label that fits me and all my little pervy secrets and undecidedness. Queer. How easy was that?
This, too, was written a week or so ago after I’d been in an academic setting on queer theory. It was funny to notice that Thumper had come to the same conclusion about queerness, but by himself.