BDSM, Coming out, Feminist musings, Gender stereotypes, Hurting, Passing Woman, Stereotypes, What Women Really Want

The Porn Dispute

I’ve been having this discussion with a colleague, let’s call her the Feminist. It took me by surprise that I had to resort to basic 101 gender stereotype explanations with her. After all, she is academic, a feminist and – as far as I know – a liberated young woman, when it comes to sex. So, when we published an anthology full of steamy hot sex, I wasn’t at all prepared for the porn dispute.

I know a lot of women, and a lot of feminists, see porn as pure misogynistic crap. Well, now. What if I, as a woman and a feminist, enjoy porn? What if I feel I need it? The second wave feminists (oh, I hate these little square cathegories and what they say about us, but the discussion I just had just goes to show that they’re still needed) would just happily throw me under the bus and state that I am brainwashed by the patriarchy. That porn is innately misogynistic and for me to enjoy it just goes to show how I’ve been sucked in to it. The used point of view doesn’t take into account that I actually have dealt with these issues and made my peace.

My colleague made the exact same arguments. There is no possible way to write erotica in a not misogynistic way because porn is innately misogynistic. Um. Okay. That just about nicely rounds women outside the limits of creating and enjoying any erotic material. The main argument here, the presupposition behind this argument, is that no woman in their right mind should enjoy porn of any kind. I’ve heard this a thousand times, and it’s enough to explain the guilt trip I am always on when my hyper-sexuality comes an issue. If I was a guy, I doubt I’d label myself hyper sexual, because that’s what’s expected of men. Once again, I point you to the Hugo Swytcher and his clarifying insights in the Myth of male weakness.

In an ideal world there would be no porn, she said. Really? I mean, really? Porn is the biggest moneymaking machine in the world. The biggest. Forget about wars. Forget about Iphones and Ipads and SUVs and BMWs. Porn. That’s right. I really don’t see erasing it from the face of the earth as an alternative, do you?

I’ve written about porn before, and not in a glorifying way, in the post about orgasm denial. Even I am not comfortable with all the porn there is, or even most the porn. The point for me, though, is solely that I am not recognized as a viewer. Porn isn’t made for me. It’s made for men. For me, that’s what makes porn misogynistic. Obviously, my take on the porn dispute is simply this: let’s make porn for women, too. If we, women, finally come a demographic worth noting, it will turn the tables. (Well, it will balance the tables.) If we have a say on what’s hot and what’s not, the only view won’t be the one of men, and world will be saved!

Because there’s still the issue of wanting things that are deemed degrading to me. The problem, I’d think, is somewhere in the midst of patriarhy’s all encompassing lap and my own self as (partly) constructed by the society. I am still not comfortable with porn showing exactly what I fantasize about. It’s usually not evident that this is not supposed to be the norm, this is a kink. Porn has essentially been one of the biggest reasons I never could give up and give myself away the way I always secretly wanted. I was afraid I would be taken seriously, I would be taken advantage of, I would enforce the image of women as the subclass of the world, only capable of submission. Yuck.

And there’s no place for negotiating in porn. Yes, I think there should be. Like the obligatory warning we all sex bloggers have in our blog. There could easily be a text to cover it. These situations are incriminating if partners are not consenting. More to the point, there could be a link to a sex ed (a BDSM sex ed!) page provided by some organization. Everyone would be happier. There would be a possibility to learn that it’s okay to want things that sex ed never touched but it’s essential to learn how to be open about it and negotiate with your partner. Actually, that would really change even the most vanilla of vanillas sex lives for the best. I feel that it’s pretty rare for both participants to get exactly what they’d like, and it’s all about communication.

Back to the annoying conversation. The Feminist was appalled by my modest erotic stories that happened to have some BDSM twist in them. Okay, I do understand that the fantasies of being forcefully taken can be intimidating, (Heck, been there myself! Kind of still am.) but her complaint was that I really don’t believe that any woman could enjoy anal sex. That’s just patriarchy screwing with your mind, sis.

Thanks, man. Just what I needed. A trashing for my fantasies. Of course, for me it’s painfully obvious how close-minded this woman is. But she is using an ideology that’s about liberating women to restrict me. Even more so, she is trying to make me feel guilty for wanting what I want and for letting my sisters down in the process. Because nobody in their right mind, if they haven’t been abused in their childhood or something, wants this and fantasizes about this much violence.

I don’t take kindly to that sort of thing. I actually got pretty angry. The whole point of the anthology of erotic short stories was to liberate and show that, hey, women can want this, this and even that – and it’s all okay. It was about what we want despite of what is stuffed down our throats. I know, because I was the editor for this piece. So, what’s happening now is that we will probably never hear from her again, in the form of erotic stories anyway. But I can’t say that I’m sorry. I am pretty angry, though.

Be back with some of that hot’n’steamy sex I mentioned. Maybe that’ll cheer me up.

**

I came to realize how incredibly frustrating and revealing it is that the only story in the erotic anthology that was about a woman dominating a boy (and subsequently, a young man submissing to a woman) got cencored prior publishing and not because it was poorly written but because it was not arousing by the standard of the folks in the publishing house. Yet same type stories passed freely when the gender roles where reversed.

This is going to be a looong fight. I want to cry.

Yeah, women can talk about wanting to submit (except then they’ll be attacked by their peer feminist women as described earlier in this post), because that’s what misogynistic porn crap has been telling us for years. But that they would also want to dominate, top, take advantage of men? No way.

Women are not like that. Nobody in their right mind gets aroused by that.

Well, dress me in a T, pour water on me and call me Miss-See-Through-T,  but I ain’t going nowhere.

Do I need to say out loud that the people doing the cencoring where women? Vanilla women not only know what everyone else likes, every woman in the whole fucking universe, they also get to cencor, shame and invalidate the fantasies and sexual experiences of their peers. Yep. Nothing at all to fix around here.

Safe to say I won’t be editoring any more moneybags erotica for my back-stabbing editorial staff type friends, either.

**

As an afterthought, I’m linking to places where there is porn that isn’t degrading (in the wrong way) or misogynistic. Enjoy!

Male Submission Art is a beautiful porn blog if you want to see men fragile and giving.

Erotica Cover Watch (also on my blogroll) is the place to see the discussion on what women want to see, and why there’s so little of it. Pretty pics of hot men (for girls). Sadly, it’s not update anymore, but if you’re new, start there.

Filament, a sexy magazine for the ladies (as viewers) features a broad view of men, sexy bodies and thoughts. Go buy it and support the cause of sexual freedom!

Feel free to leave more female friendly porn links in the comments. I’ll check them, and link to them, if I feel they pass the test. I’ll keep updating!


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4 thoughts on “The Porn Dispute

  1. Pingback: I Am Loud « Past the Hurt

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