Did I meantion that we have been off sex? Maybe that’s why I haven’t felt like writing anything.
We tried to do the right thing. First gentle, then rough, then totally bewildered. Nothing worked. On a monday over a week ago we tried to have sex and it ended with me getting really hurt. The last few days we’ve had sex and it’s hurt Wonderboy. Apparently you can’t expect everything to be hunky dory the minute the pregnancy is terminated. I am in a foul mood all the time. It’s like I haven’t slept at all, that’s how cranky I am. I try not to let it show, but of course it does. I also need to sleep 10 or more hours. I’m completely out of it when Wonderboy leaves for work, even if we went to bed at the same time.
It doesn’t help that my cunt feels like a set of the best japanese sashimi knives. That’s how Wonderboy feels, anyway. He didn’t actually use a metaphor like that, but after I got angry at him for waking me up – at 5 in the morning from the sofa which is closer to the door to the balcony and thus a tiny bit more tolerable considering the suffocating heat wave – trying to seduce me only to end up giving up on it and leaving me high and dry (Or wet and bothered, that is.) he did have a choice of words that echoed in my head for the whole day.
It can’t be normal for you (euphemism to my cunt, here boys and girls) to feel like that. It just wouldn’t make sense reproduction-wise.
Boom! Of course what he was saying was that it wasn’t in his head. Because I was really wet and he was the one hurting, so you could see why he would think I didn’t believe the problem was my orifices rather than his. But I did believe it. He didn’t need to say that. He didn’t need to make me feel this broken. Because what should I do about it? If my hormones have gone upside down and inside out from the miscarriage, there’s nothing I can do about it. Except wait.
I actually did know everything’s not okay. I can usually feel when I ovulate, it’s actually sometimes pretty painful. I didn’t feel it this cycle. I knew I didn’t ovulate. And after that was when I got really frustrated and angry, like my body was acting out for missing the ovulation or something. The last week has been full of menstrual cramps that aren’t really menstrual cramps. They hurt, they come and go, but they just keep on coming and going. I’m waiting for my periods like I did my first. I just want to put this behind me.
I googled researches about miscarriage and its affect on the body and hormone levels, and it didn’t surprise me that there were like a thousand possible side effects that you should just deal with until your cycle normalizes. Women’s reproductive system, which is largely researched, even, unlike the sexual pleasure system, is still such a mystery to western medicine that most of the time the advice you get from healthcare professionals is little more than common sense, sometimes not even as useful.
So, I’m taking fish oil pills, beacuse I know about their attribution to my orifices’ health and passing the vitamins through my body. I’m also trying not to panic or stress out. I’m going to spend the weekend starting from tomorrow morning in the countryside. I am eagerly awaiting to jump in the small pond near the old farm house we’ll stay in and to live and let die. Losing a child is hard. It’s hard no matter how insignificant the embryo was in the larger scheme of things and according to the letter of the reproductive agenda that the first trimester is only the beginning. It’s not even a child, not really even an embryo at that state. But as in everything in life, all that matters is that I felt it. I felt it, I loved it and now I have to let it go.
The answer for us was that we won’t have penetrative sex until my next period. We had a week of complete orgasm denial (in Wonderboy’s part, anyway…) but it made us so unhappy that we decided against it. It was hot, though, for me. I’ll try to write about the hot stuff about it, later on. But for Wonderboy it was just equivalent for being abandoned and unloved. I don’t want him to feel that way. There’s so much else we can do to enjoy each other.