BDSM, Coming out, Fantasies, Hurting, Passing Woman, Submissive tendencies, Volatile bodies

All Play And No Work

Mousie762 at Abstinent Sexblog has this to share and I’m sharing it with him.

One of the reasons I’m so giving sexually is that my version of the masculine self-image requires giving sexual pleasure. If she doesn’t have a good time and a good orgasm, then I am a failure as a man. And it’s pretty much always a bad thing to attach self-image to other’s reactions. No one is actually in control of their partner’s pleasure.

This, for me, is not only about sex. I attach my self-image in other people’s reactions all the time. All the other descriptions still work here. I am a failure as a person if everyone is not happy, if they don’t like me, if something goes wrong. This is a devastating road to go down on, and probably a birth ground for my submissive kink. (See, I said both the bad words and didn’t even frown!)

I want to be in a place where I take absolutely no responsibility what so ever. We play-rape. We play Wonderboy’s fucking a doll. We play he’s molesting me while I sleep. It’s not all there is (is it, ever?) but it’s a lot that’s going on. I am not even a player. I have to do nothing. I am not responsible for his orgasm or pleasure, nor am I of my own – hell, I’m not even supposed to enjoy in the scenario! And what happens is I do enjoy. I fucking get a brain fever and blow from inside out. I am left free to enjoy because it’s not expected of me. Nothing is expecte of me. I am free.

But I have never, ever felt I somehow am a failure as a woman if Wonderboy doens’t get off. I try to save the day all the ways I can, but in the end, I’m only failing as a partner. I can’t be failing as a woman, because I never accepted I am a woman. I may seem that way, I might be born that way, but in my fantasies I most certainly am a man. A though to handle, strong but unable to control himself sort of a bad guy. In my fantasies I don’t give a flying fuck if my partners enjoy or not. Actually, it’s all forced upon them. I am a rapist, a child molester and a bunch of other really bad things. In my fantasies. Because I can not be a woman.

Doesn’t seem fucked up at all, does it? So, being a woman is a bigger threat to my self-image than being a rapist. Why? Well, for one thing, in real life I am a woman. I am not and can never be a pedophile in the way I am in my fantasies. Because I am not a man. It’s safe ground for me. So is raping women. I am both the woman and the man, after all, in my fantasies, but I get off on the guy’s thoughts and wrong-doings. It’s safe. I am after all, the one who gets it in the end. I am the child and I am the woman. I just can’t recognize it. I’m not yet able to submit to my need to submit.

My brain found a way around my incapabilities. It put me in the other role so I could enjoy what I need and desire more than anything else. But now. Now… I’m slowly rising from subconscious to conscious, and seeing myself for the first time. I am a woman. I enjoy being a woman, I enjoy Wonderboy being a man. I enjoy submitting to him, I devour his demanding touch, his words, his smallest gestures and breaths to indicate what he wants. I am a submissive. I am a woman. Oh, fuck, yes!

The only thing is. My fantasies have all stopped working. When the tables are turned, when I’m on the doctor’s table, when I’m the fuck-toy or the raped girl, it’s still too distressing for me. But I can’t be the man anymore. I ain’t. Wonderboy is. His my man, after all. What’s a girl to do?

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5 thoughts on “All Play And No Work

  1. ranat says:

    “My brain found a way around my incapabilities. It put me in the other role so I could enjoy what I need and desire more than anything else. But now. Now… I’m slowly rising from subconscious to conscious, and seeing myself for the first time.”

    This really describes the process I’ve gone through with my sexuality and genders. Repression –> finding a way around it anyway –>actually seeing myself and what I want –>still getting off on the ways I got around my repression –> but they’re sometimes not as satisfying. As I move toward an authentic expression of myself, everything is shifting with me.

  2. I’ve sometimes read people talk about how they supressed their feelings and needs, but never how they managed to do it. It’s been incredibly hard to let go of the ways I used to confine and protect myself. I’ve felt, and Wonderboy has felt, a drop in my ability to access desire and lust, to let go, jump somewhere just out of sight.

    I’ve read your blog, but I’m not sure which way your road has taken you. Have you written about it? Please link, if you have. I appreciate your perspective.

    I know I’m getting better, that it’s a road to recovery, fulfillment and a positive, stable self. Still, I doubt myself, I feel betrayed by my body and my mind. Why won’t it work? What to do when everything changes at the same time, and there’s no place to turn to?

  3. ranat says:

    Oiga, my road has been kicking me along. Here’s a list of the major ones I’ve written, in chronological order, which could give you an idea of my process.

    Healing and Sadism
    Patriarchy and Kink (Note: This is what I believed was the source of my desires when I started exploring. My perspective has RADICALLY shifted. I believe my desires are healthy and natural now, not a disease I have to live with)
    Journeys Into the Scare the Shit Out of You Unknown
    I am Just Woozy Enough From Sneezing My Face Off to Jump Off the Cliff
    The Difference Between BDSM and Abuse Is Not Just Consent
    Shifts in the Tectonic Plates of My Self Conception

    The road has been confusing, and painful, and intense beyond my imaginings, and yet the amount of pain and misery I’ve shed is monumental. I still struggle, and doubt, and tangle myself up, but the road is still going.

  4. I hear you, mija. I do. The one The Difference between BDSM and Abuse I linked to at some point, it was an awakening for me. I’d been threading the lines, but couldn’t make up the words.

    I’ll read them. Thank you for such an extensive display!

    And I think I already know what you’re going to say in the Patriarchy and Kink, because I’ve thought it too. It took a while to get over the yonder to even accept my own affiliation with it.

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