BDSM, Borderline, Fantasies, Hurting, Self-Questioning, Wonderboy

Not To Be Hurtful, To Be Truthful

We had amazing sex in a kind of scissors position just a few hours ago. His heavy thigh was on my tummy and pussy while he was pounding me. It used to be pretty impossible to make love like that because I’m tight and he’s big, but I’ve loosened up, and who ever said it’s a bad thing, was wrong. Now I got to see him come, his face all flushed with lust. It was wonderful and it felt amazing.

But I didn’t come.

How come it was perfect but I didn’t come?

Let me paint another picture.

He started playing to be my stepfather when I was doing the dishes. He asked me to do some chores and then came behind me and caressed me seemingly innocently. Pushed a bit too tightly against my ass. Run his fingers a little too high from my waist.

I was putting groceries in the fridge when we started bartering. He said I should take my clothes off. I answered I would if he’d give me extra cash and wine. It played out good, he pushed me against the fridge door and groped me. He told me that he wasn’t going to give me anything but I must do exactly what he says or he’ll tell mom all about my mischeafs.

But this is our secret, okay?

I said I was dirty and had to wash up, like to avoid getting naked with him. He let me go to the shower, but when I was showering, he suddenly barged in with a huge hard-on, all oiled up and pulsing happily. He pushed me against the wall, bend me and began fucking me just like that against the wall. He came really quickly. I didn’t.

It might sound like, well, misogynistic bullcrap, but those are actually my fantasies. Those are the stories I shared with him. But in the middle of it I was stunned. There’s really no part for me in my fantasies. If I’m really only the woman. What am I supposed to do? Nothing. In my fantasies the women, if there are any, do nothing. They barely exist. They don’t fight. They sleep. They might be intoxicated or too young to understand (in fantasyland…). They are very much unreal.

But I’m not. I’m a real person. So, how do I take the role I’ve imagined for myself? It contradicts with me even stating any discomfort, which by itself got Wonderboy understandable upset. But he doesn’t understand I’m not doing it out of my ill will. I really have nothing to go on by.

When he came, I said I didn’t and he was shocked. It never used to be like this. He used to know and feel. He didn’t even need to ask, but he always cordially did, anyway. Now he doesn’t ask and I don’t come. I don’t fool myself anymore, but I fool him.

All the beautiful things he does for me. To me. With me. They are in vain, when I have nothing to answer to them. And I am the only one holding me back.

But when I said I didn’t feel like myself. I said I knew I couldn’t have come like that.

And he said Why the hell didn’t you say anything? You don’t have to keep “the scene” perfect – it’s our sex life!

And I answered angrily Well, do you really want to hear “That doesn’t feel good, I don’t feel anything, I don’t like that, don’t do it”.

And he yelled YES! That’s exactly what I need to hear.

And I got it. I have to speak up. Not to be hurtful, but to be truthful. Those are not insults, they are not meant to hurt him. They are what I’m feeling. Why am I not letting him know, what I’m feeling? Because I don’t want to ruin it. But, as he pointed out, it is already ruined if I’m not enjoying. Why am I putting his satisfaction ahead of mine?

Yeah, well. Actually. Um.

Because I don’t matter as much would probably not be seen as a sane and healthy person’s answer. Oh well. Who ever said I was sane.

Standard

7 thoughts on “Not To Be Hurtful, To Be Truthful

  1. mousie762 says:

    For me, both as dominant and as submissive, the submissive, passive role is just as important. Generally the submissive’s role is, after the resistance, enjoyment. A common thread for me is that the dominant is overcoming the submissive’s inhibitions and resistance to give the submissive pleasure that the submissive could not have had without the dominant. And the pleasure is the one part of the scenario that should be, and has to be, real. If I were playing the stepdad in the scenario you mention, the essential part of it would be the (totally unrealistic) idea that the stepdaughter really loved it in the end; and that the real partner playing the fantasy stepdaughter really loved it. I would feel horrible about the whole thing if the real partner consistently didn’t enjoy it, and I can’t make it work if there isn’t feedback when what I’m doing isn’t working.

    Knowing that what I’m doing isn’t working hurts a very little bit, but then I can fix it; gnawing fear that it never works and she won’t tell me hurts enormously.

    Putting your partner’s satisfaction way ahead of your own is something I struggle with too; I’m pretty sure Wonderboy values yours greatly, and you make it everything easier and better for him if you value it as much as he does. He will feel much better about the work done taking roles that society tells him are horrible and breaking down your pretend resistances if you value the pleasure he gives you; and valuing the pleasure seems to me to be the chief role of the submissive.

  2. That is really perceptive of you, Mousie. Thank you. I do understand it, I do. But sometimes I just get in the way of myself. Of course I also fear that I’m hurting him, but it’s not helping me decide what I want and like. It’s just too much emotional pressure altogether.

    I think it’s a vicious cycle, because I get turned on when he gets turned on, and vice versa. The problem seems to be that I sometimes mimic pleasure to get him more turned on in order to make myself more turned on, and it obviously doesn’t work that way. And the only thing standing between him getting turned on is naturally the fear that I am not enjoying myself.

    But something Maymay once said, struck a chord with me. He said that he doesn’t necessarily like pain when it’s happening, or take down scenarios, but he gets turned on by them later. Me too. But it’s kind of an unhealthy path for me to go down on, because after it’s happened a couple of times, I just feel used, really, and not in a good kind of way.

  3. The other thing is that it used to be so easy. I used to enjoy everything and in almost a silly sort of way. I’m not yet used to being like this, hard to plese, myself. So, no wonder that it would be tough for him to handle. I’m more disappointed in myself than I could ever be in him. What am I suppose to do if everything is just the way I want, but I still can’t get any satisfaction? If it’s like that most of the time? When I feel really angry at myself for being like that, and really want to make him happy and stop him from second guessing everything, but I can’t make it better and can give no directions because he’s already doing everything right?

  4. mousie762 says:

    Some of what you say sounds very familiar, like “I’m more disappointed in myself than I could ever be in him,” and “When I feel really angry at myself for being like that, and really want to make him happy…” I really sympathise, and I wish I had something useful to say.

    I hope maybe examining the role of the submissive, passive character and finding how it can be a real, positive role in itself will allow you to get back into enjoying it. I think back to what you said in “All Play and No Work”, how in your fantasies you are a man, and how here you say that in your fantasies the woman does nothing. In you fantasies, why doesn’t the man just use a Fleshlight? It’d be easier. But even in such a case the submissive is always more than that.

    Maybe some play where the woman is ordered around, not forced around? That’s something that’s seemed to work for you in the past. Orders instead of force is how my favorites go from both the dominant and submissive sides. From the dominant side it might start with a show at my orders; I make her undress piece by piece, I make her pose, turn around, bend, spread. Maybe she resists and gets spanked until she submits. That’s a role. A Realdoll can’t do that. It needs thought and acting; when to resist, when to admit the excitement, how to pose best, how to touch when ordered, when to touch hesitantly and when to touch enthusiastically.

    Or maybe, if Wonderboy is good with it, try a mild role reversal as a change here and there? In your fantasies you say you are the man, and a dominant man. Perhaps you could try being a dominant woman, if Wonderboy would like to be a submissive man for a change?

  5. I hope maybe examining the role of the submissive, passive character and finding how it can be a real, positive role in itself will allow you to get back into enjoying it. I think back to what you said in “All Play and No Work”, how in your fantasies you are a man, and how here you say that in your fantasies the woman does nothing. In you fantasies, why doesn’t the man just use a Fleshlight? It’d be easier. But even in such a case the submissive is always more than that.

    That’s such a good point. Of course the woman (the submissive) is hugely important. Just not in a way I could relate to when I’m trying to get off. I need to find a way to see myself as the submissive and as the woman, in a positive light, as you said.

    I guess only ordering around would take the delicious edge off for Wonderboy. He’s, as he says himself, a hands on kind of guy. He likes to order me around, too, but it’s somehow intimidating for him. It’s just that he isn’t a people person at all, and maybe his anxiety is proving it difficult to be so… sure of himself.

    But that’s the thing. When you list these very familiar things, when to resist, when to admit the excitement, how to pose best, how to touch when ordered, when to touch hesitantly and when to touch enthusiastically, it’s all too much like acting to me. That I’m used to do. I mean really act, not act during sex. I just can’t seem to shake it off and just enjoy.

  6. mousie762 says:

    That’s such a good point. Thank you. I know I’m being impertinent with all this unsolicited outside advice, but once in a while somebody sees something from the outside that it’s hard to see from the inside, and then maybe it’s worth wading through the misunderstanding suggestions for the occasional illuminating one. So I hope I say useful.

    He likes to order me around, too, but it’s somehow intimidating for him. It’s just that he isn’t a people person at all… Yeah, I know what that’s like. If you’re going to be giving orders, you want to sound cool doing it. A verbal slip that’s only a tiny embarrassment normally feels pretty crushing when you’re playing the puffed-up dominant role; the dominant’s importance is enormously exaggerated by the role. It’s like when a politician makes a stupid verbal slip than anyone might make, but it makes the news; it feels to me like I’m exposed for a fraud and a hypocrite. I don’t have so much trouble when I’m keeping in mind that it’s just a role, not me. We both know that we both know that I’m a fraud as an evil genius or whatever, it’s just play. So we laugh about the slip. That often kills the mood at the time but helps me feel good about trying again next time.

  7. It sure as hell is not unsolicited, Mousie! It’s so relieving to hear someone else make some sense out of this all, and then realize, yeah, I kind of thought that too.

    And I totally agree on the politician allegory for playtimes. It’s so hard anyway to admit and say what you like and how you like it, but to order! To order someone who appears unwilling or is just waiting for you to make up your mind. There’s probably nothing as intimidating. Except of course, if the partner won’t say, when they reached their limit. (That’d be me.)

    I came to think about it, that is it really common for girls to fake and mimic sexual desire and gestures, because they deem men’s satisfaction more important – or because they patronize their men and secretly believe they just can’t handle it and make it happen? Maybe it’s the “women are exotic flowers” way of thinking, it has bent us, too. How could men get us off, if it’s so unlikely, anyway? (What the researches say, is it 40% of women, who don’t come during PIV, which is still the going symbol for all healthy sexuality…)

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