You know what the most craziest thing we’ve done recently was? The most exhilarating and mind-blowing thing. It was when yesterday I tried to fix things gone a little weary from trying for a baby. I said: You can watch porn and I’ll lick you.
We talked some more, mainly about the fact that getting pregnant is not more important than a satisfying and happy sex life, not even for me. I tried to relieve Wonderboy’s pressure on impregnating me and started to describe all the acts he could do to me. This was after he’d said he didn’t want anything or didn’t know what he wanted – and had not finished the day before when we’d had sex. I knew I don’t want anything wasn’t anything more than a smokescreen for hiding his uncertainty and fear. I described the way he could mold my buttocks while fucking me, if he chose to. I described how he could roll me over and take me from behind, push his finger in my ass and fuck me senseless.
This is a way I’ve learned to deal with Wonderboy’s panic attacks. It’s the way I can show him I want the same things he wants. That he isn’t perverted and bad, that we share the same desire despite everything that’s gone awry. We cuddled for a while there, and then he asked, with a shy smile.
Would you really be willing to do it? To suck me while I watch porn?
A thrill went trough my body and ended up in my pussy, pulsing with warmth. Shivers went down my spine. It caught me by surprise. I always surprise myself when it comes to things I want in sex. My subconscious had spoken and I had in no way admitted to myself that the thing I said was the thing I wanted.
Yes, I smiled the way I do, when I’m expecting sex. Hungry. I reveal my teeth more from under my upper lip. Like wolves. I wouldn’t have said it otherwise. It was true – I realized it while I was releasing the words from my mouth. I don’t let myself know I know what I want.
Wonderboy still looked a little uncertain, questioning, so I said.
I like the oppressive undertone it has.
Yeah, I like that too he said, maybe a little relieved. I just thought that maybe you wouldn’t see it that way.
No no, that’s what makes me hot about it. I got aroused just now, when you asked about it.
Well alright then. Go on and lick me while I look at some porn. Wonderboy is wonderful that way, he almost never says suck me off or something like that. Not when he’s really asking. When we play, then he can say stuff like that. But at first it’s usually less intimidatingly stated as licking. I like the way it sounds. It pushes some buttons in me, wanting to be with women and transgender folk, too. Wanting to be less burdened by our actual genders and heterosexuality.
He put a laptop on his bellybutton and I dived under it. After a while of clicking we got into the rhytm. It was only a couple or five clicks after he’d found what he wanted. I thought, for a second, that as a woman I can never find anything that works for me that fast – and even when I do find it, I have to imagine a lot and use it in a way it wasn’t meant to be used. I wasn’t really angry or anything, it just occured to me, that his fantasies are being catered to, which might have something to do with him accepting his desires to dom more than my feeble attempt to accept my own inclinations. (Much like Maymay describes his obstacles in finding porn to relate to as a submissive man.) I’d never want to see this acted out, it would make me sick, because it wouldn’t be from my perspective. And it wouldn’t be for me, either.
I licked him, petted him, sucked him, and after a minute or two he already had to hold me back because he was about to come. Already? I thought with amusement and delight. It was funny because I was (and am) so into swallowing his balls whole and throating his cock that I lost sight of the situation. It stopped being arousing because of the oppressiveness of the act and the porn, and started to be more about the fact that he was so hot, so close to coming so quick.
Next time, we should leave the sounds on, I said to him after we’ve both come. For me to be more in tune, too.
Yeah, okay, he said. I can see how that could be important to you. Maybe next time he’ll dare to leave the sounds on.
When we had finished, he quickly stashed the porn and cleared his browsing history, stating in a funny way, how he didn’t want me to see what he had been looking at. He felt too self-conscious. It was too cute, but I didn’t want to see. I was afraid about how I’d feel. It was weird in a deeply intimate and exhilirating way to be made into a mere tool, to be a part of his secret sexuality. It was like he was masturbating with my mouth, and I guess that’s why it was so quick. He didn’t have to concern himself with me at all. It was just about his fantasies, his cock, his desire.
We both were still smiling doopily in the morning, caressing, kissing, bursting into a giggle that lead into more kissing. That’s the most extreme thing we’ve done in a long while. Just goes to show how showing off with ropes and blindfolds and hard banging in the ass is not necessarily the world’s fucking hottest and wrongest thing to do. It’s all in our heads’.