BDSM, Love, Wonderboy

Lost Confidence

I was away for a week. I was supposed to write something before I left, sexy stuff too, but I didn’t have the time and now it’s long forgotten. There were good moments there, with the porn and the new confidence that I won’t be hurt whatever he wants. It was good to have that confidence boost me as well. I could trash and play (act my role as a school girl or whatever) way more, because he didn’t shy away from it in fear of being too oppressive.

Wonderboy actually asked me, while fucking, if it was too perverted for me to suck my thumb. He of course meant, if it was too weird for him to want it. I didn’t answer, I just obliged. Things were going well.

And now I’m back and he’s all tangled up. He’s had time to think. He’s had time to lost the confidence he gained because he didn’t have me building it up, reminding him that I need these things too.

When I came back, I went to pick him up from work to see him as soon as possible. I watched him walk through those electric doors and found myself smiling uncontrollably, getting up, walking to him. But when I faced him, something was off. I reached to kiss him, and suddenly felt, like in a dream, that I can’t kiss him, I don’t even know him! We kissed anyway, but it was just a pose, a thing people do. We were not ready for it, yet. Or he wasn’t.

I don’t really even want to get down to explaining what happened when we tried to have sex that night. Suffice to say it only ended in my orgasm and it made us both feel like shit. Kissing didn’t feel tingling and exciting, it felt like a chore. But of course, when it’s us, after we’d talked about it and talked about it, we managed to get a little more to the right place yesterday. It was fulfilling and fun and a little tentative, a little shy. No BD or SM or SD, just regular old fucking and maybe some fantasies to boost. It will take a while to be back where we left it.

Today we were just making lunch and I reached to kiss his cheek while he was shimmering eggplant. I asked, happily, if he was already used to me being home, since he seemed so happy and we were kissing like before. He answered no and smiled apologetically. We hugged and kissed.

You will get used to me, I said. He didn’t say anything.

Some people, I guess, are just much more sensitive to change than others. It takes a lot more time for them to adjust. And I’m living with one of those people.

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4 thoughts on “Lost Confidence

  1. I hope so too. Had a conversation via cell phone today from work, and it did no good. I don’t know why he’s so upset he has to resort to saying some mean things, even if he apologises afterwords. Now he’s managed to hurt me too.

  2. mousie762 says:

    I don’t know anything about the specifics, but if he’s saying mean things then apologizing, he might be really upset about something that doesn’t have anything to do with you. It’s never fair but everyone does it sometimes.

  3. Yeah, you’re right, and I know that (or knew that since we’ve made up). But, there’s always a but, it just isn’t fair. When I’ve been helping him with his feelings and am suffering from the same insecurity and fear, it is just not okay for him to unleash it on me over and over and over again.

    Of course, what we are really talking about, are minor incidents to most of the people. Passive aggressive phrases and tones of voices, but they mean a huge deal to me. Especially because our relationship is sexually BDSM’ish. It’s a right, a fucking hard to build bridge of trust and it doesn’t weather well. If he’s being mean to me and foreign and coldish, that immediately deflates my sexual desire for him. Moreover it makes the dominance much too real for me and thus intimidating and scary. And because of my past that goes straight into how I see him as a person. I can’t trust him.

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