BDSM, Coming out, Hurting, Self-Questioning, Stereotypes, Submissive tendencies, Volatile bodies

In Treatment

I probably never told you that I’m seeing a therapist. I usually do tell people that. I don’t try to hide it, because it is both a huge relief for me and my family and a step I feel far more people should dare to take. But I’m not so fond of mentioning it in the same sentence as declaring my sexual deviance. And I did make a point to find a therapist who didn’t feel too much temptation to wrap my violence filled past with my need to be taken with force.

When Pervercecowgirl stated, so matter of factly, oh, but you’re a sub, I twinged.

I am not, and even if I were, I wouldn’t admit it. Because it’s so not me, a little voice in my head went. No one can take advantage of me, and no one can put me in that position. Claim me as a sub. I am what I want to be! This of course had nothing to do with Perversecowgirl and I didn’t react to her in that manner – but in a manner I would to a human being who just want to be loved and taken care of. But it was my first reaction and it didn’t go without any weight.

It might sound ridiculous that I’d react like that – me – the one who is writing this blog about the things I want done with me, and sometimes even getting my way despite the ever escaping courage to ask for what I want or even recognizing it in the first place. I have no trouble whatsoever to state what I like, now that I’ve found out. Well, here in the pages of Past the hurt, anyway. It doesn’t mean anything to me, that I want, say, to be choked when we have sex. It has no emphasis. No value. All the negative connotations come from outside, from people reacting to it.

That’s why I don’t kiss and tell anymore. I have Wonderboy to share this with, and that’s enough. Well, Wonderboy and the internet, of course. But I mean that I don’t need anyone’s lable or anyone’s approval. I don’t approve of a lot of things that other people are doing or I wouldn’t at least want to take any part in it. And I don’t have to, so it’s all fine and dandy.

But I can’t be a submissive if I don’t approve of it. I wholeheartedly agree and to some extent share the views and (even more so) feelings of Thumper and Maymay. But every submissive woman I’ve ever read in the internet really honestly fills me with anxiety and fear and even hate against their doms.* Because it is still just too scary of a concept for me, when I don’t know if the love is really there or not. And it sound so scary. The things we want. How can any sane and loving person give them to us? So, the men they describe must be masked men, hollow men, headpieces filled with straw.

And I know, that mostly, they are not.  People write about their loves and their lives just like I do. But I don’t have to see myself from the outside. I can’t judge how it seems. And I guess the problem is, that I still can’t face judging myself. I would, I’m pretty sure. If I was reading this. I’d be filled with terror for her. How stupid can she get, thinking it’s good to have a relationship like that. Or then I’m just holding on to something I’ve managed to let go off already.

After having been in therapy for only three months I’ve started to see ways people dodge bullets or replace a feeling they are too scared to show or even admit to themselves with another – mostly anger. That is my Akilles heel too. I thought I had an anger management issue, but turns out, I have a fragileness issue. Much too heavy for me to admit to myself let alone get help for. Until last spring when all hell broke lose, and it had a lot to do with my submissiveness forcing itself from under the wraps once and for all. I couldn’t live having to face my old demonds day after day with the man I love. All the real suffering, the same self that just let someone take advantage of herself over and over again, was now the empowered self, wanting the same. But by wanting it I of course transformed everything that was in the dominance, submission.

I knew it, in my head I could think the thoughts and be okay with them. What I felt was another story entirely. Skin doesn’t forget. Heart races, the body goes into shock, and after that there really is no escape. Having to face it, and my own incapability to face it, every day.

It’s not the same.

It’s not the same.

It’s not. The same.

And when Wonderboy suddenly didn’t feel like himself. When he let me see it, the fear of losing me for who he is. Who he is not ready to be yet. The fear turned into anger. And all the trust we’d built vanished.

Who is this man? How can he do these things to me? How can he? These are the thoughts I harbour when he tries to make amends. When he tries to find me again, kisses me and chokes me gently and kisses my nipples and fucks me and keeps me in my place. He tells me afterwards he did all the things you like. I nod. I do like it. I thought everything was like it used to be, he says and I can see he is sad, disappointed, worried.

How did I come to this? Who am I so afraid of that I can’t trust anyone? No one can hurt me now.

No one can hurt me now.

No one can hurt me now.

Standard

8 thoughts on “In Treatment

  1. mousie762 says:

    I’ve made a big point here about being a switch, I made that point because it was sort of a new thing to me. Due to various circumstances I had forgotten how much I used to enjoy the dominant role, and only fantasized about the submissive role. (I don’t want to clog your comments with that, it’s off-topic stuff I wrote about on my own blog). But switch vs. submissive wasn’t the big revelation.

    The big revelation for me was that even though I like submissive sex, I’m not a submissive person. Some of what you’re saying sounds to me like you’ve come to that same conclusion but not put it into words. Submissive sexually and submissive personality aren’t the same thing at all. I’m very independent in life in general; recuperating from a broken neck I’ve surprised my family with how I take care of myself. I don’t like taking or giving orders, and I’ve shaped my career around that. I’ve studied martial arts for 12 years, and a big part of that is so I don’t have to put up with anything I don’t want to. But with my wife (now separated and divorcing me), in sex play, I loved to beg her for the chance to lick her pussy, then have her tease my cock with her toes, and play-stop to make me beg her to continue. Pro-dommes on the Internet repulse me; their ads are written as if men were really beneath them, not equals who wanted to play for a bit. To me it’s just play; and how I like to play is a little part of who I am, but a long way from all of who I am. If a woman tried to d/s dominate me in life in general I’d laugh in her face. (If my beloved wife had tried I’d politely explain that she was mistaken, but she would never have wanted that just like I didn’t want to dominate her).

    I’m not a submissive, I’m a person who likes submissive play. All the difference in the world.

  2. Pingback: In Treatment 2 « Past the Hurt

  3. It doesn’t mean anything to me, that I want, say, to be choked when we have sex. It has no emphasis. No value. All the negative connotations come from outside, from people reacting to it.

    I have a book where gay men tell their coming-out stories (true stories). At least one of these men initially denied that he was gay, even though he’d had sex with another man. Why did he deny he was gay? Because society repeatedly told him that being gay was a horrible abomination, and the love he felt for his boyfriend felt far too pure and beautiful to fit in with that idea.

    Do you dislike the idea of being called submissive because other people have given the word such bad connotations?

    I had no idea my offhanded comment had given you such conflicted feelings. I’m sure you know this wasn’t my intention – and I’m sure you know you can call yourself by whatever word you choose. When feeling owned makes someone feel loved, and especially when that ownership involves pain, I automatically think of this as submission – but nobody on the outside of a relationship can ever really know anything about it.

  4. Perversecowgirl,

    You’re absolutely right, of course, and I have called myself submissive or at least sexually submissive (like that needs clarification) on numerous occasions. I do feel pretty good about that most of the time, and all the time while I’m doing it. It’s just when someone else says it, I hear an accusation or a label I’m kind of afraid of. What do they think it means? How do they mean it?

    I thought about wording my conflicting feelings carefully, because I didn’t want it to come off as if I was somehow offended by what you said. Your natural response to our conversation and the things in my post(s) just made me realize, that there’s still a lot to fix with my feelings about my submissiveness. It’s not all good yet. But hey, I’ve come this far already. If you read my first posts, you see that I couldn’t even use the word submissive myself! One day I probably will be all “yeah, and ain’t that cool!” but until then I just have to face my feelings, analyse them and then set them aside.

  5. Do you dislike the idea of being called submissive because other people have given the word such bad connotations?

    Yeah, I think that’s exactly it. I am submissive. I feel I am, when I search myself for the various streams of pleasure and need. But I’m so conflicted about how submissiveness is seen, how women submitting to men is seen as proxy and also falsely justified with evo-psych, and I really, really don’t want to enforce a thing like that. So, that makes things a little musty.

    When feeling owned makes someone feel loved, and especially when that ownership involves pain – –

    That’s so beautifully put. That is exactly what I need and want.

  6. I also have a friend who has had sex with me, K, and she still insisted that she wasn’t bi, because she couldn’t or wouldn’t want to have a relationship with a woman – just sex. I thought that was just her trying to weasel her way out of being in the marginal and having to live with the consequenses. She has come to think of things a little differently now, and is even opening up to a relationship with a woman, which makes me very happy, because I believe it’s really important to be honest with yourself with sexuality. It will pop up eventually anyway.

    I on the other hand have known, well, always that I like all sexes. I just learned the word for it in high school. And even though I have never had a lasting relationship with a woman, I don’t see myself as any less of a queer. I think it’s farely simple – there are a lot more men interested in women (me) than women, so the pool to “choose” from was wider and easier to come by – and that’s why I married a wonderboy not a wonderwoman. I am pretty much all out of the closet and talk about getting turned on or appreciating both men and women in almost any situation. It wouls have been scary though to really come out of the closet and walk in the world with a girlfriend. I guess, I’ll never know how that might have felt like.

  7. But I’m so conflicted about how submissiveness is seen, how women submitting to men is seen as proxy and also falsely justified with evo-psych, and I really, really don’t want to enforce a thing like that.

    It must be weird to have to go through that. I don’t feel like there’s a similar stigma to dominant women; I don’t feel like people are analyzing what I like and trying to attribute it to psychological damage or instinctive drives.

    Upon reflection, I think maybe vanilla people don’t really believe dominant women exist, except in male fantasies. This poses its own problems but at least I’ve never felt like I have to constantly fight against some huge wall of ludicrous misconceptions.

    Well, not in vanilla society, anyway. It did get fucking annoying how every young, inexperienced submissive boy assumed I would wear black leather and stilettos and scream orders at him. I would say “Yeah, that’s not what I do” and their jaws would drop. “You mean you don’t act like the women in porn? But…but…what other way is there?”

    If you read my first posts, you see that I couldn’t even use the word submissive myself!

    One day I’ll find the time to read back over all your posts right back to the beginning. It’ll be fascinating to see how you’ve grown. 🙂

    I didn’t want it to come off as if I was somehow offended by what you said….I just have to face my feelings, analyse them and then set them aside.

    I love that you’re analytical, like me, and seek to understand why an offhanded comment should stir up weird feelings. Most people would just shoot the messenger instead. 😀

  8. Upon reflection, I think maybe vanilla people don’t really believe dominant women exist, except in male fantasies.

    I’ve read many complaints about not being seen and recogniced when you’re a dominant woman. Ranat writes very passionately about being a dominant woman and reading her stories has opened my eyes to see the other side of the fence as a compassionate and protective side too. Of course these nuances are lost on the masses who only see leather clad women with black hair and spikes and stilettos. It’s a powerful trope but so, so one dimensional. It must be tiring to wade through all the stupid expectations even if they seem ludicrous.

    I love that you’re analytical, like me, and seek to understand why an offhanded comment should stir up weird feelings. Most people would just shoot the messenger instead.

    Thanks. 😉 That’s probably the reason for this whole blog, though. To get insight and some feedback. Sometimes it seems almost unbelievable that I’m writing all of this here for everyone to read. And I haven’t told anyone about this. This is just for me, my sake, because I have no one to compare myself to IRL. But then. I’m happy for the community of kinksters here in the web, commenting and posting responses to each other’s texts. Just what my over analytical mind needs. Like-minded people who have a different way of thinking, a different life and values, but share still so much with me just because of the kink. I’m amazed how much I’ve learned and learn every week about myself, sexuality, gender and living with this desire that is seen unnerving by many and as a psychological flaw.

    I couldn’t shoot the messenger, because the message is, as unnerving it is, also pretty juicy. I need my submission. I have to come to terms with it to be happy.

    One day I’ll find the time to read back over all your posts right back to the beginning. It’ll be fascinating to see how you’ve grown.

    Waiting for it eagerly and scared shitless too. What if I haven’t grown at all? Well, I do feel different, so I think I must have. 😀

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