BDSM, Coming out, Craving for more, Hurting, Love, Submissive tendencies

Safe Again

I’ve noticed that I don’t feel loved if he doesn’t dominate me. We can have sex, I can have orgasms and we can cuddle and kiss all we like, but it’s not enough. I need him to show me that he really means it. I can’t believe anything other than the real thing.

It’s not even enough if he halfheartedly squeezes my buttocks or breasts, my neck, if he isn’t into it. I can sense he’s not really taking responsibility, he’s just humouring me.

I told him this but he didn’t believe me. He had made up his mind that he can’t pleasure me anymore, and since I’ve gotten all well and serene in the therapy, I don’t need that stuff anymore. The stuff he wants to do to me, more than anything. The stuff I need done to me or else I lose my mind. But, yeah, noooo. It’s okay. I don’t mind. Let’s just. Cuddle. It’s never sounded like a swear word before.

I begged. Try me, try me, slap me, a bit, on the cheek, mold my butt, please, do something to me. I put his hand on my throat and squeezed his fingers around it. Do it, do it. And he wouldn’t.

There were tears, I’ll tell you that. Frustration. Anger. But there was also hope. He was speaking to me now, telling how he’d been afraid that I’d left him alone. It must be frightening to think that the other one is cured of something that is so deeply you. So deeply me. I can’t imagine the fear and self-hatred that always follows, when you think you’re all alone.

And then he strangled me gently, fingered my mouth so I couldn’t breath, hurt my neck, made the veins in my neck sing. I was pulsing, involuntary, happily, massively. There was an uproar of emotion and passion that overcame me.

And then I started to cry. I didn’t think it, but I felt it, and now I have to write it altough it sound so shallow in words. You really love me. That’s what I felt. The trust that had been missing. Something essential. It was in his hand’s uncompromising grasp on my neck. It was in my willful, oblivious, submission that sent me to a place where I grew up. I am being loved. I am being cared for. I could feel how it was the same, the all encompassing love which was caring and nurturing and demanding. I was safe again.

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2 thoughts on “Safe Again

  1. mousie762 says:

    There’s something I noticed in your description of events that you didn’t mention specifically. When he’s afraid the terms of your intimacy have changed, away from something that’s so important to him, the first thing he’s doing is trying to meet you on the new terms he imagines. Yeah, it would be easier for both of you if he just asked if it was OK to stick to the old terms, and then believed your answer.

    But what he did was to try to figure out what you’d want, and do that, despite the fact it wasn’t want he wanted. That’s still dominating with love, and sacrifice, even though he guessed wrong.

  2. I don’t know if I never read this before or if I just didn’t connect with it then, but I do now.

    the first thing he’s doing is trying to meet you on the new terms he imagines.

    This is so like Wonderboy. He’s so quick to adapt it’s sometimes hard to keep up with what he actually wants and needs. But I see it more as trying to find balance and common ground than dominating.

    Hmmm. You’ve got an interesting point there. The fact that he was still calling the shots. But is it dominating, if it springs from fear (of losing)?

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