On Being Mean

Clarisse Thorn remarks very insightfully that being tied up is totally boring on its own. BDSM is not just abut the props and the acts, it’s about emotions. There needs to be a connection between the one doing the tying up and the one restraint. Clarisse also remarks that she doesn’t like it, or it irritates her, if the one who has tied her up is acting nice. She needs for her submission to become real, to surface, the other one to act mean. This made me think how the exact same kind of lust and need can have different kinds of manifestations.

I don’t like it if they are mean to me. But I love it when they are really, really nice, but saying horrible things. (This might of course constitute to being mean.)

Yesterday we had sex and Wonderboy said things during the act that surface from time to time. I love it when he talks like that, and it always is very close to bring me to an orgasm by itself. But it’s hard for him to maintain that kind of an act. He confessed after the fact that he had thought, if I would be able to still accept what happened afterwards or would I feel betrayed and blame him like I have at some point in our relationship. It felt bad to hear that his source of uncertainty comes from me, but it also felt good, because yesterday I felt no such thing. I have changed. We have changed. I didn’t reconsider everything. I felt fulfilled and happy. There was no sign of the anguish that I sometimes fall in to.

What kinds of things does he say, then, to get me off (and him, obviously)? It’s not so much what he says, but how he says it. He held me, fucking me very hard, and whispered in a smooth, warm voice: You are nothing but a fuck-toy to me. I’m just using you. It is of course mean to say that kind of a thing, but the way he says it changes everything. I feel loved, because I know he’s doing it for me. He is living up our shared fantasy. So, I don’t feel torned at all, and I can’t see him acting mean. He’s just doing what works best. Not letting me have any options.


7 thoughts on “On Being Mean

  1. mousie762 says:

    I feel that some day this post will make me a better dominant. To be fair to myself, though, it was really hard for me because I had an uncommunicative submissive.

  2. I’m flattered that you think that way.

    On communication,

    Your recollection on the Pervocracy of the anal sex incident (or should I say, almost anal sex) with your ex-wife has eched itself in my mind. I feel ashamed to admit that I have been that woman, not able to communicate or even consent to things I want. Maybe that’s why I feel so strongly about your story. It’s impossible to communicate by yourself, no matter how caring and thoughtful you are. I feel that there must have been something truly essential missing – trust? self-awarenes? honesty? – for it to boil down to what you have experienced. I am so sorry that it had to be that way, but maybe you’re a better man for it, now. I hope so. My scars have left me a different woman, and though they might be ugly, they are mine.

    For me, in our relationship, communication isn’t even the ever mentioned two-way street. It’s an ocean full of tides and streams and unknown deeps. I guess that shows in my posts. Sometimes there are just too many layers to our interaction, and it takes a while to get over them and through them. But we do, because we both try our hardest to be honest. And I’ve noticed that whatever Wonderboy or I might be hiding to save the other one from bad feelings, the alternative of not knowing is always, always worse.

  3. mousie762 says:

    The biggest part of the problem was that she didn’t much like being told things she didn’t know, especially by someone close to her. She had an extremely smart father and older brother who used to tease her, and I think that bit deeper than they ever would have wanted; she’s very smart herself, but her brother had many years learning on her and her father, well, obviously. She didn’t want to talk about sex with me because I went online and read about it a lot, and she told me talking about it with her made her feel like a child.

  4. Hey, I can relate. I can not stand to be directed at anything. I just can’t stand it. I’ll get angry in a nanosecond and it’s hard to snap me out of it. It was a huge battle to get where we are today, when I took everything that Wonderboy said as criticism. If he didn’t stay hard or if he asked me to do something else or stopped me from what I was doing. BANG! It was all over.

    Nowadays I can handle gentle instructions because I know that I’m good to him and I want to be good to him – not just think I am. But it was a long and winding road and demanded us both to really be so spesific and honest about what we mean when we say things, what we want and need and what we don’t like. And it’s always best to start and finish with I love you and you are a great lover and that feels really good. Then you can add the inevitable but and ask for something else. It would be even hotter if you (insert desired action here).

    I know it’s hard, but everybody is capable of it. You just have to learn a way to talk. There were ways for him to say things so I wouldn’t find them only criticising. But it demanded a lot of effort from both.

  5. mousie762 says:

    In teaching venues, like when I was a tutor in college or teaching newer students in martial arts class, people including my wife always commented on how pantient and gentle in correcting I am. Of course, communication with her was suggestions and comments to an equal, not a teacher-student paradigm.

    I give suggestions and comments to you here, equal-to-equal. May I ask how I do at it?

  6. Yeah, but it’s different. I’m not dependant on you. I am not trying to please you more than anything. My sexual pleasure and happiness is not in your hands. I can regard or disregard anything you say, although I usually don’t. Sometimes you have very good points, sometimes you say somethings that are obvious to me for a number of reasons and sometimes I just don’t understand/follow or agree with you. But it doesn’t matter that much because, it doesn’t change anything in my relationship.

    I am more here for validation through discourse than to get advice. I don’t need advice, I need a listener. I need to see that people can understand and approve of what and who I’m discovering to be.

    You do have a really even tone in your comments, and it usually works in your benefit. I get (as I said in the post) angry very easily if I feel someone’s trying to maneuver me, but it isn’t the case here, because I am only talking with you. I am not asking or in need of your advice, thoughts or sentiment, but they are greatly appreciated.

    In the matter of your wife, (or anyone’s partner) I feel that it might have been millions of things. Was she happy with the d/s-part of your relationship? Could she be open enough about her feelings (shame, fear, etc)? Could she also drive the relationship, not only you? Did she feel pushed to a direction she new nothing about and felt lost? Could she really negotiate things out she didn’t really enjoy or want?

    You mentioned that you were the one finding out on the internet. Did she feel inclined to the same things? Why did she not find out about things?

    These are questions there isn’t an answer for. It’s just that without sincere communication about everything, emotions included, there can really be no certainty, either.

  7. He held me, fucking me very hard, and whispered in a smooth, warm voice: You are nothing but a fuck-toy to me. I’m just using you.

    Heh. Often in the bedroom I will tell Minx he’s a slut. Which is hilarious because we’re monogamous…it’s been over a year since he’s had sex with anyone but me. Also, the idea of him having sex with someone else is not a turn-on.

    But the theoretical idea of him being a desperate little sex toy, bound and gagged and waiting for some stranger to use him, is a turn on – for both of us.

    The human brain is a very strange thing.

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