BDSM, Craving for more, Hyper-Sexual, Self-Questioning

Happiness Where Are You?

I managed to squeeze in another – fourth actually – pleasuring incident, and when Wonderboy got home we fucked. He watched some porn while I sucked him off, licked and sucked his balls and played with his beautiful cock, and then. Then he turned me on my stomach and took me away.

You whore. You dirty little slut. You are all mine.

On a related note somehow I’ve been wetter, happier, more into it, more excited and still… When I’ve come I feel sort of neglected, like it wasn’t real. Like I didn’t come at all. I’ve never questioned my orgasms before, but I am now. I feel like something… something I can’t put my finger on, is missing.

I sometimes wonder if my sexual appetite is also inflicted by all the Pervocracies and Thumper’s denials I read and enjoy. I mean – I didn’t use to have anyone to share this secret of mine with, I didn’t even share it with myself! Now I’m writing about it, I’m reading about other people’s adenture’s and magically – I’m not so scared anymore. It doesn’t feel so wrong alien.

But reading Holly’s earlier posts I felt a little twinge. She kept saying that who was she to write a sex blog or even call herself kinky, since she didn’t even do this and that or have that many sexual partners or whatnot. And still, the things she does, even in those earlier entries, are too much for me. So who am I to even say I am submissive? Who am I to label my sexual existence in any way? Why do I need to do it?

I know I’d like to try some things, like pegging and being tied, with real rope and real restraints, and maybe something concerning needles, maybe. I don’t even believe the last thing I wrote myself, but I have cut myself, I have hurt myself, and there was a reason for it, but the reason was not what I thought. I needed to feel the pain. Maybe I still do? But it’s so scary.

I don’t know what’s happening. But I did make Wonderboy very happy yesterday. And that makes me happy. It’s a vicious circle.

It’s so nice that you’re like this again, he said.

Like what?

Like when we met. So… lustful.

Are you happy about it?

I am.

Standard

4 thoughts on “Happiness Where Are You?

  1. mousie762 says:

    So who am I to even say I am submissive?

    That was something I was thinking about a few months back. There are lots of people who like things I don’t, who have done things I haven’t. I felt like, now Rogue Bambi is submissive, who am I to call myself that* when I don’t like choking? I felt like I wasn’t kinky enough to be kinky nor vanilla enough to be vanilla.

    But I decided that’s a crock. The terms aren’t owned by whoever takes them farthest.

    * That was before I sort of remembered/realized that I had a whole dominant side to me that I’d supressed for a while.

    Who am I to label my sexual existence in any way? Why do I need to do it?

    My answer is going to be very different from yours. I want to label mine because I want a thumbnail guide or warning to put in future dating profiles. I do it because I’m the most qualified person in the world.

    Why do you do need to do it? Maybe you don’t. Maybe you’re better off pursuing what you like without the bother of thinking what “submissives” like. Who are you to do it, if you want to? You are the most qualified person in the world.

  2. That was something I was thinking about a few months back. There are lots of people who like things I don’t, who have done things I haven’t. I felt like, now Rogue Bambi is submissive, who am I to call myself that* when I don’t like choking? I felt like I wasn’t kinky enough to be kinky nor vanilla enough to be vanilla.

    That’s so it! I’m really glad you shared. I guess it’s just that, because we’re in the marginal of marginals, and this is not thought in sex ed or anything, and some friends or family might not even understand let alone want to hear, and there are literally just too few people to share these desires with IRL, we always feel inadequate and tend to try to find the right way and/or something to relate to. Understandable goals they might be it saddens me that we both feel that our sexuality is not ours. The labels, screw them, but I did come here (to blog) to find a way to talk about this and understand and accept it. I do need a way to see myself in a crowd, or a herd :), of some sorts. I guess that’s just human.

    I don’t need to be special I just want to be satisfied and loved.

    And you are too a proper submissive (and a dominant too!) even if you don’t like to be choked! It’s probably the only thing that continues to assure me of my sexuality as a submissive. The other things are not so tangible, maybe, and it’s hard to set aside the degradation of sorts for scrutiny. At least for me it is.

    You have many kinks and quirks I don’t, and if I was a man I’d probably go “well, I’m not a real submissive because I don’t like to be taken care of with feet and in an insufficient way”. Heterosexual vanillas don’t have to understand their sexuality – although they’d better – but we do. We have to analyse everything, because it’s not the norm and some (most?) of the people see things we do as really hurting and abuse. Coming to terms with it (whatever it beholds) ourselves is simply not enough. We also have to create an armour to shield from the beliefs, perceptions and feelings of others. The privileged vanillas. Those bastards. 😉

  3. My answer is going to be very different from yours. I want to label mine because I want a thumbnail guide or warning to put in future dating profiles. I do it because I’m the most qualified person in the world.

    Oh. It has fleetingly occured to me that I’d be fucked if I ever was single again. I have a friend who just started a serious love affair with a guy who had honestly never heard about BDSM. She says they are right for each other. But she’s a submissive like me. I don’t know, I really don’t. I can understand your attempts to analyse yourself (it’s going well, don’t you think?)
    but I do believe that some things can only unfold in a relationship. You never know what kind of a role you’d take with someone else, someone new. I, as a matter of fact, have been suspecting that I might be a switch. Might not be, but I won’t find out with Wonderboy, because he’s not to submit and I accept that. And I kind of wouldn’t want to dominate him.

    Why do you do need to do it? Maybe you don’t. Maybe you’re better off pursuing what you like without the bother of thinking what “submissives” like. Who are you to do it, if you want to? You are the most qualified person in the world.

    Thank you for this. I’m trying to breath it in.

  4. mousie762 says:

    I can understand your attempts to analyse yourself (it’s going well, don’t you think?)

    I do think it’s going well. It’s nice to hear you say that.

    I won’t find out with Wonderboy, because he’s not to submit and I accept that.

    I think if you can avoid finding it out, it’s probably best under the circumstances, but it can be pretty hard to avoid finding it out in my experience; it just pops into my head.

    Every once in a while you mention something that sounds a little switchy about Wonderboy; pegging tends to be male-submissive for example. But we look at things from our own little angles; it’s vaguely mysterious to me that everyone isn’t a switch.

    Of course pegging doesn’t have to be fdom/msub; d/s is about attitudes not actions. I’ve seen a surprising amount of foot-on-cock footjob porn that’s done with an mdom/fsub flavor, and that particular action always seems really fdom/msub to me.

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