A rewrite from the comments of a post.
Writing this blog has been extremely helpful, and continues to be. I need to shape my thoughts by bringing them into words. I’ve been lost so long. I rarely write anything I haven’t “known”, but when I write it – in real writing, in letters, which stay here for others to read and understand, and shape their image of me by – I have to face it. It shapes me. It changes me. I become me through the act of writing. And through the act of revealing myself to someone. It’s not a secret anymore. It’s not just a fantasy I soon erase after I’ve come.
That’s what’s changed.
I have to add that I don’t see the act of being playful with submission as a way to reconcile past bad behaviour, though. More like, the bad behaviour has stemmed from being unappreciated and unfulfilled regarding those exact needs (by no one’s fault, really, just society’s I guess).
But then again, some people don’t have the strength (yet?) to face different kinds of needs, even in themselves. I think loads of people go through life succeeding and failing in sex accidently. Those are probably the same people who end up cheating, when the first thrill wanes and they have no tools to make it as good as it was. I always feel a little frustrated when I hear people have not discussed the important stuff. It’s impossible to just know what the other one wants and then deliver.
I am exceedingly happy if my blog can be of any help to you. I can truly relate to being ashamed and repressing that side, because the response from the society was too much to handle. I’m at the other end of the rope, though, and feel that as a dominant man (even as a part-time dominant) it must be such a taboo to overcome. I’d wager it impossible to write about rape fantasies and ever, ever get a date again, if you’re a man.
Even though women as a class have been, and are, oppressed in our society(ies), my submitting is not really what they were asking for. I carry a stigma of being mentally unbalanced for claiming to want these things, and radical feminists even state that I don’t get a say in the matter, because of my perceived unbalancedness. So, either way, I cannot choose this. Only the dominating (man) can, and so they are to blame. This way of thinking completely overrides my basic human rights. Only because I like some intense sensations and playing in a way I think most kids are – somehow representing the power imbalances of the world in a way that’s culturally moderated.
Mandoms are only seen as basic evil bastards, I’m seen as a lunatic. It’s not pretty for either of us.