BDSM, Self-Questioning, Submissive tendencies, What Women Really Want

Comparing Submissive Desires

I sometimes ponder if I’m submissive at all. I know this self-doubt troubles most of us, probably because there are no real role models. They don’t tell us how to handle these kinds of desires in sex ed, and they most certainly don’t encourage behaviour like this. Choosing to act on desires outside the scope of normal or vanilla as it’s often called is choosing to step outside the socially accepted forms of sexuality.

Even though I realize how much I’m a product of this society, of this culture, I’m still sometimes really uncertain, if I’m really not just plain old vanilla. I’m comparing myself to Holly at the Pervocracy or Clarisse at Clarisse Thorn, and I see my dark desires as gentle little exercises for good girls. I wouldn’t do loads of the things they do, and none with people I don’t love or don’t want to have relationship with.

I just heard of a guy who has a whole wall for floggers and such. A guy I know. I heard a close friend has tried out some of this stuff too. I heard another friend entered into a relationship without any hopes for her boyfriend to open up for BDSM play.

And I’m wondering how serious am I about this? Could I live without it? What does this all mean?

I can’t even imagine how it would be worthwhile to just play, bondage or flogging or what have you, and not have sex. Why? It is sex to me. It’s part of the sex I desire. It’s nothing more.

If I ask, when I asked, Wonderboy to make me do the dishes, and got turned on by it, it was foreplay. It wasn’t rewarding in itself. I would be deeply unsatisfied, angry and betrayed if there was no sex at the end of it.

I don’t like pain.

I can’t handle humiliation.

I don’t really like far out bondage, hurting or even being uncomfortable. (I’d like to try bondage out more, but Wonderboy is not interested in any implements… yet.)

I like hair pulling, in a certain way. Big chunk of hair, lifting me up by my hair.

I like to be forced to do things, especially when it’s done by physically overwhelming me.

I like to be held by the neck forcefully until it is hard to breath. I also like to be put under a pillow for the same effect. I have called it choking and suffocating, but I’ve really never been truly deprived of oxygen. (I actually felt kind of insulted by Dan Savage’s latest take on things. No safety instructions, no between consenting adults speech – only the advice to leave that sort of thing off the menu. Like that’s an option. Hey you, lay of your boyfriend’s dick, why don’t you!)

I like being slapped but not really hard and only on the butt cheeks, breasts and face.

I like to be called a whore, a fuck-toy, a little girl, but I need to feel valuable and loved and wanted. I don’t want to be degraded by calling me unworthy or uncapable.

So, I like some kind of a fantasy play, but is it sufficient to be calling myself a submissive? There’s such a massive weight on the word, and in what it portays. Do I want to submit? No… and yes. Take my will away, make me do it, make me submit. It feels so safe to be stripped out of the power to even say no, even in fantasy play.

But it’s not real. If I get hurt the wrong way or if I want something I’m not getting I’m not submitting to it. I’ll say it and Wonderboy will hear and obey. When we play roles it’s so obviously a light play that even our voices betray us.

And still. When Wonderboy just kept fucking me after he’d come, flicking my clit, his whole weight on my back. Meanwhile his other hand was choking me, pulling me against him by my throat, and I thought this is too hard, he’s holding me too hard. I can’t breath enough anymore with his weight and the choking, doesn’t he realize I’m getting irritated and not into it, why won’t he loosen up some, let go of my throat…

And then I let go. I only felt his weight, his demanding body on mine, his hold of me, unquestioning of my desires. And I came.

But why? Because I’m a submissive?

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8 thoughts on “Comparing Submissive Desires

  1. mousie762 says:

    You definitely like submissive play; that is not vanilla. It may be less extreme than Holly or Clarisse, but they strike me as extreme examples not average ones. And especially they aren’t you-must-be-at-least-this-into-pain-to-be-submissive lower limits.

  2. Oh noes, I am now an example of the extreme!

    There are lots of people who do stuff I would never do, if that helps. I genuinely dislike a lot of humiliation play and would never do it. I generally think that it’s silly to tell people they’re a “real submissive” or “not a real submissive” … it also gets dangerous because then people can feel pressured to do things they really don’t want to do.

    I’m a little curious about why this question is important to you? I hope you aren’t feeling pressured to go further or to “prove” anything.

  3. Clarisse,

    Oh noes – now I’m ashamed because you read this totally whiny and silly comparing angst. If you read my other posts as well, you’ll probalby see there’s a context here. I’ve been going through denial, accepting myself as submissive, and now I see it was time for another self-doubt session. It goes in cycles.

    I don’t really actually see what you do as so extreme, maybe I’m even a little envious; it wasn’t meant to hurt your feelings or in any way make you seem something you’re not. I’ve enjoyed your writing immensely, and it has given me a lot to think about – and opened some doors in me too to accept myself. But, even though I really wanted to answer to you post about pain and anger, I think I was just not yet ready to face it. And maybe that, the feeling of being not ready and still really wanting something more, made me doubt myself altogether. How it always seems so easy from the outside, although you have been perfectly honest about your doubts and hardships with coming to terms with submission. I really admire that.

    I guess the problem for me is to find how to play as a submissive and to stay that way. I’m rebelling against all the models I find of submission, because I’m still not comfortable in it. For example, it’s still really hard for me to set boundaries and ask for what I want. I am actively making it impossible for Wonderboy to do the things I want, because I’m in the trap of analyzing everything to shreads and then trying to act like the model I’m constructing in my head.

    But sometimes I just let go, and then I realize who I am and what it is I want. Sometimes I’m still just lost.

  4. That’s funny in a really perceptive way, Mousie. Yeah, it’s like kindergarten, if you start comparing other people to yourself, I know. I don’t know why I felt so bad about it when I wrote this.

    I was also wondering about the terms themselves. Am I really submissive or are the things I want and do only in the range of a wild and randy normal fuck? (There wouldn’t be anything wrong with that… Except I’d feel totally embarrassed about this blog.) Words have always been really important to me, and this is also a terminology issue. What is the line between vanilla and this? Do I even cross it?

  5. It’s not totally whiny and silly. I think we all have a hard time comparing ourselves to what we see. No outside model will ever fit our inner experience.

    Good luck.

  6. Thanks, Clarisse. And yeah, you are absolutely right. No model can ever portray the way I feel inside, and no one can ever really understand what it is I feel. But I can try to explain (which I am) and people can try to understand, and then we can all maybe have a little more self-respect and be a little more happy about it. Because of not seeming to be a monster or a puppet for the patriarchy to someone’s eyes. (Sharing has helped me see it that way myself, too.)

    When it’s good, like today, I don’t doubt myself. But when things are a bit off, I start to wonder. It’s still so fragile.

  7. mousie762 says:

    Um. I hope, Clarisse, that you were not offended or hurt by that. I did not mean to criticize you, I just want to reassure Rogue Bambi that what she wants is enough.

    BTW, as a pretty long-time reader I get no feeling that there is any pressure from her husband Wonderboy; in fact he often needs reassurance that what they do is good for Rogue Bambi mentally and emotionally as well as physically.

  8. Looking at this conversation now, with new eyes, I see Clarisse’s question unaswered. I think I am the one pressuring myself to do harder things. But I think, or I’d like to think, it’s because I’m not exactly sure what I want, because I haven’t been able to try any of this in my previous sex life. I literally don’t know if I want Wonderboy to tie me up, until I’m tied up and quivering with enthusiasm.

    I also, after reading your blog Clarisse, introduced an idea that Wonderboy would stick needles in my skin. His answer was “but that would really hurt!” So, that’s where we’re at right now. It’s not supposed to be real or get real. But it gets real, if it’s what I want.

    And yet sometimes I think we do things I don’t want, because they are the trademark things of BDSM. But it’s so very hard to see the line. I’m just trying to pick up on it quickly, nowadays, and move on to other things.

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