I think that the many doubts I’ve expressed here are about my submissiveness could be, maybe not mainly but partly, the consequence of our trying to conceive. They seem to be really hard to combine – loving d/s and trying for a baby. It’s a whole new layer on top of all the difficult and mixed emotional ones.
There are my own desires and actual preferences. Then there are the fantasies I have, and then the fantasies we share. Then there are his preferences and desires. Our fantasies fit into the same play pretty easily, but our purely physical preferences don’t always mesh that well. There are things Wonderboy wants to do, continually does too, which irritate me to no end. I don’t enjoy them, but I also get frustrated and feel emotionally betrayed when he does them, because we have discussed them endlessly.
Why does he keep bringing them up? Because they are some of the actions and positions that give him most pleasure. I can only enjoy them from a submissive point of view, if I think he is knowingly forcing me to do something I don’t enjoy. But I’m not entirely sure it’s supposed to work like that. (Like I’m ever sure about anything concerning submissiveness…)
He is not an asshole wanting to do things he enjoys. I enjoy them sometimes, in the right frame of mind pretty intensely, so I’m not really giving him consistent feedback. (I want to clarify that I’m talking about the most ordinary positions and actions, anal sex and deep-throating I actually enjoy without hesitation nowadays.)
So, there’s this whole layer of not liking and not wanting something and then transforming that into pleasure the way pain transforms into pleasure in the right circumstances. How am I supposed to happily accept wanting him to come inside me (even though my kink is that he does it when I’m unwilling), when I’m wanting it even more than an orgasm, even more than sex?
Do I step over some of my discomforts because I just want him to come in me? Did I get so upset about him forcing me to deep-throat him and coming so quickly, because he didn’t come in my pussy and not because he didn’t fuck me to an orgasm? And does it make any difference?
I get so angry and crestfallen when he doesn’t want sex. Nothing helps. Now I’m using this energy to write here… But I’m struggling with such emotional disdain it doesn’t make any sense. Except if I feel he is keeping me from getting pregnant. And that’s a healthy way of looking at it, isn’t it?
Do you even want sex with me unless you’re ovulating? he accused me when we had a rought spot some time ago, after the miscarriage. Yes! But sometimes I want both so much I don’t know what I want.