No, this is the real trust post. We had a huge fight. Huge in sentiment, we were mostly lying in bed while it happened.
The internet started working today! Yahoo!
And, when, after my sister had left, I climbed on the bed and started to sniff and caress with my mouth Wonderboy’s cock and balls throught his briefs, he didn’t lose the computer on his lap. After a while, after he was naked, and the computer still lay there, it’s screen between us, I asked would he ever get rid of it.
He answered: “I’m just looking at some dirty videos.”
My heart sank. Somehow, that’s what I was afraid of. He put the computer away, and meanwhile I realised I was much too hurt to keep going. He hugged me and couldn’t understand what was wrong.
I know we’ve done it before, and I’ve enjoyed it. It shouldn’t mean he can just whip the play out of nowhere without negotiating it with me! Especially since it’s sometimes, like now, a limit to me. I felt like he’d slapped me in the face, without any sexual context.
The same day the internet started working he felt the need to not only watch porn but bring it to our sex. Yeah, that’s what’s been missing! That’s what I’m talking about. Adding insult to injury he also started to masturbate his own cock, while I was down there sucking his balls and cock. I felt like I wasn’t even in the picture anymore. Nothing was negitiated with me. I was just an instrument, an instrument which was obviously not doing its job very well.
In the following fight I used these words: You should fucking negotiate with me if you’re going to bring strange women in to out bed.
He attacked: Am I not allowed to try things out anymore?
I said that I’d felt that everything had been better without the internet (porn). He said ti wasn’t a competition, that it was always sex with me no matter what else happened. I said I felt worthless and undesirable. He asked if I felt like that always when we had sex. I answered that I only felt like that now… and always when I knew he was watching porn and masturbating. That I always felt betrayed and jealous and hurt.
It has felt so empty, so… pointless to masturbate. I haven’t even wanted to have an orgasm by myself, because. Well, something for me has changed. I’ve associated Wonderboy with sexual gratification. He turns me on, but nothing much else has. And I thought we were experiencing the same thing at the same time. I’v even talked about it with him!
And now he just threw it in my face: “Do you really think I would go through a month without masturbating?” Yeah. I did. Shattered illusions.
Suddenly I was back where I used to be. Resentful. Frustrated. Jealous. Angry. Hurt.
Everything I believed to be true, wasn’t. He wasn’t always too tired to have sex – he was masturbating when he didn’t feel like going through all the effort with me. He wasn’t only getting his orgasms from me, like I was from him.
WOOF the trust was gone. What else had I misinterpreted? What else had he hid from me?
“I didn’t want to know that. Now I’m really fucking pissed off. I really didn’t want to know that”, I said.
“I don’t want to talk with you anymore”, he said.
It could’ve ended there, but of course it didn’t. He left to sleep on the couch, there was fighting over the light switch (god, I’m four) and I yelled: “It’s a fucking shame you had to ruin everything!”
“I’m not ruining anything!” he yelled back.
“You already did”, I answered.
After a while I started to put my clothes on, because I was too angry to sleep (I still am and this was hours ago!). When he saw me in the hallway, he asked in a menacing tone: “Where do you think you’re going?”
“I’m going out.” You do not command me.
“Think really hard if you want to do that or not.”
I didn’t understand his tone or his words. Did he mean he’d leave me if I’d leave?
“What do you mean?”
“Just don’t do anything stupid.”
“What could that be?”
He didn’t answer me, so I went to the kitchen door and asked him again. I’d realised what the tone of voice and the act meant. I realised what he thought I could go and do, angry and resentful.
“What did you mean by that? What do you think I could do?” I asked, ready to brush the whole fight off. I wanted to tell him he is the only person I ever want to have sex with, ever again. That that’s why I’m fighting with him. And he said:
“You’re not the only one whose lost all trust.”
I went driving around town thinking about those words and what hid behind them. It must be so hard to live with a fear like that. And I can do nothing about it.