There was this outburst with my friend K. I seem to be mentioning her a lot here, which is funny considering this is my sex blog about my sex life with my husband. (Did you catch on the hints there?) It happened just about a month ago. It doesn’t really matter what she did, except maybe that it entailed a guy I know and kind of bailing on me to be with him. And then causing real danger to us all by really irresponsible behaviour.
I’ve just been thinking, not after it, not even when we’ve been fighting via email, but just now, when I thought about her last email and the way she made it known she somehow questioned my motives in the whole shebang. And I started thinking… Why would she doubt my motives? It’s perfectly normal to be angry and hurt about her standing me up (kind of) and then acting like a brat and endangering everyone around her with reckless drunken behaviour. (I have no tolerance for that anymore. I used to live with a man who was an alcoholic, and she knows it.)
So, why the big drama and hints of my dire motives?
It hit me today. She’s jealous. She’s jealous of me, of my love and happiness and a healthy relationship. And she’s jealous that she doesn’t have a hold of me anymore. I have zero lust for her. (Well, maybe some, but I don’t show it, and it’s too tangled up with emotional baggage anyway.)
There was something pretty special between us, when I was in that shitty relationship with the alcoholic. But it could only happen, because I was taken. It was safe for her (claming to be completely hetero at the time) and for me, because she’s really so much work. Trouble.
Seems to me she’s pretty spoiled, but in a way I can’t really grasp. She made some remark on why I’d expect her to bring me a trite gift, and I just realized that that’s the way she has always been. So self-centered. Like she wouldn’t be offended, if I wouldn’t bring a gift for her birthday? Obviously. But somehow – the gift is just a trite ritual, if it’s for me.
And I thought about it… No one would treat their friend like that. But an ex? Oh yeah. It all fits. Trying to be happy for them, trying to be civil, but all the while dropping these hints, making hurtful decisions and actions.
I know she really doesn’t mean to hurt me, but it doesn’t change anything. She’s jealous, and she needs to confront it, or our relationship is over. There’s really nothing more I can do. I am not hers and I never was. Whatever we did, however I felt, she was as free as I was, and if I would’ve been trying to have a relationship with her, I’d never accepted the way she treated me. She has to acknowledge that and move on. There will never be anything more between us. I’m with Wonderboy, and I shall be with him till I die, if I can decide.
But how can I say this to her, when she’s sailing the seas of “I really don’t understand what you’re so upset about” and “you’re as much to blame as I am”. After the dust had settled some, she said the hardest part, the part that changed our relationship, was that I was so ready to let her go. That she became the enemy of my family because of what she did.
Damn right she did! Her fucking reckless additude could’ve cost the life of many of my loved ones, including Wonderboy.
How could she really be so hurt by my reaction… if she wasn’t harbouring some illusions about the nature of our relationship?
I think this conflict was the first time she realized, how she is by herself like she always wanted. She never took anyone else into consideration making her plans, doing what she wanted. Now she’s paying the price. If you don’t start taking people into account, you’ll end up alone. It tends to trigger people to leave you, if you hurt them and can’t even admit it.
But damn. How I could’ve been so blind about her motives? I guess I’ve just lost sight of the world she lives in, because I’m seriously not there anymore. (This is not a statement about worth or value.) There is no us. I’ve given myself to Wonderboy. No one else has the right to treat me like that. And Wonderboy never would.