Why is it so deep in my head? Why am I unable to enjoy it, when I get it?
Wonderboy tied me up. Because I asked him to. He tied my wrists and held me and fucked me. All I could think was that there should be something more. Something!
Near the end, when he was about to come, he tightened the rope like directing a horse. I was on my tummy and my hands were tied in a crisscross position above my head. He pulled on the rope until I was a tight bridge under him. That was the moment I got into it. But it was too brief.
When he untied my hands, it was the most sensual part of the act. I felt fragile and wide awake. The rope came off slowly. I still have marks on my wrists, and it was more than half an hour ago.
He held me, kissed me and talked to me. He understood that I had mixed feelings. He even said You have to write it in your blog to feel better and understand. I’m so far away from my own experience that I need to write it down to understand it. Why is it so deep in my head? Why am I unable to connect?
It was new and that made it scary. The chances of succeeding were low indeed, but that made it easier for me this time.
The best things that came out of this experience were that we were able to talk about it straight away without anger or resentment. I was able to give my consent, to guide him and to ask things I needed, although I didn’t quite get what I wanted. Progress, still. He, on the other hand, saw that he enjoys tying me up, and that I can handle it. In a way that is.
After he’d come and I’d become untied, and we’d talked enough, he offered to make me come. I didn’t feel like it was an option, but then I had a quick vivid fantasy about him slapping my butt. Just slapping my butt, nothing else. And I knew that was what I wanted. So after a minute he was caressing my buttocks, his fingers lingering between my thighs, and then he gave me a slap. It took me some time to gather the courage, but I managed to first ask that he’d hit me harder and then faster. But he hesitated, because the diabolical sounds the slaps were making echoed madly in our bedroom. I could hear our next door neighbour starting the music and our upstairs neighbour coughing.
I felt ashamed. I felt exposed. And yet I felt that it was my right. It’s our bedroom. It’s my desire and my orgasm we’re talking about! I’ts non negotiable no matter how bad it sounds to our neighbours.
Next time Wonderboy won’t hesitate, because I told him I was about to come, but his hesitation cost me my orgasm. He said that next time I must yell Don’t you dare stop, I’m about to come! I’ll try my very best.
When I started writing this post, I didn’t know, what I needed and didn’t get and how to explain it, even to myself. So, obviously I wondered off to read other people’s blogs. I’m glad I did, because this caught my eye. It’s a list Ferns from the Domme Chronicles wrote to bring a newbie guy into BDSM play, as a sort of play (check) list. It goes like this:
- Being left in bondage (5-10 minutes)
- Being undressed (to boxer briefs)
- Biting (gentle)
- Collar (wearing)
- Eye contact restrictions (not allowed to raise eyes/look at something)
- Leash (being led)
- Leash (wearing)
- Photos (of rope work, not face)
- Physical inspection
- Pinching (gentle)
- Being restrained (eg wrist/ankle cuffs tied to something)
- Rope bondage (ha!)
- Using honorific (Ma’am)
- Voice restrictions (not allowed to talk)
- Wearing ankle cuffs
- Wearing wrist cuffs
All of it obviously don’t apply to me, but I see things here I want and need, but am unable to ask for or get. I really need to be instructed and commanded in the smallest details. I’d love to (and have loved in the past, but don’t know how to ask for it) be faced with restrictions concerning talking, making sounds, looking, moving.
Earlier, when I was contemplating what was missing from our play today, I saw a vivid image in my head of me tied by the rope to our bedroom lamp hook. He would circle me and hit my ass, talk to me, threaten me and restrict my actions by mere words. But this fantasy is as far from our sex life as it would be from a vanilla marriage bed. It’s hard to ask, but even harder to face the inevitable rejection, when I try to bring more play into our sex life. It’s hard for Wonderboy to give me Play. He understands the part of play in sex, but is unable to just play for the sake of playing.
And I need it, every day more and more. So, maybe it’s not just that I don’t know what I want, but that he reacts negatively to my hints and suggestions, because he’s scared?
He was first really happy after the ropey fun and even exclaimed that it was particularly good for him and he hadn’t realized how good it can be. But when we got to talking and then trying the slapping and then oral sex and anal fingering and he finally got me to an orgasm, he felt he had failed both the tying and the slapping. He said that he’d hoped I’d give more feedback, that it was really hard to give me what I wanted. I tried my best to guide him. I even gave orders, very spesific ones: Put your fingers only a litlle way in and tease me with them while you lick. Fuck my ass with your fingers, but don’t stop the licking. It was pretty hard for me even to say those things, so clearly and unapologeticly.
I didn’t feel anything was a failure. We tried the rope, and as a result, I know a bit more about what I’m looking for – more domination from him, especially vocal. And I said as much. He learned it can be a lot of fun, that tying can enhance his domination and my submission to him, and that I can talk about it later even if I’m kind of fragile and in a pit of contradicting emotions.
Is there any other way to learn than to try?