Hello. My name is Rogue Bambi and I’m a bisexual. By bisexual I mean, that I can have both romantic and sexual connection with all sexes.
I didn’t always know I was bisexual, just like I didn’t always know that most of the people prefer the other sex. Yes, I thought I was going to marry a boy and have children with them, but I didn’t understand what love or sexuality was.
Until I met our neighbour, who was witty and funny and just fun to be with. M was thin and pretty and a few years older than me. I was in first grade, I think, so in my eyes she was cooler than a cucumber. We’d obsess over one guy we both liked, talk about him, go ask him out to play and hang with him, together. Then we’d go home, play scenarios as an invented couple and finally get to grinding against each other until we both came. (Might be it was just me, I guess I wasn’t a very considerate lover back then.)
Since no one knew, I didn’t really recognice what happened or what it meant. It took me until my late 20’s to fully grasp, that I was actually having sex, when I was 7. No wonder I was sort of mixed up about sex, when I started having it with guys. At first it was so much more unfulfilling than the great clitoris infriction I used to enjoy.
I’ve felt guilty and sometimes even stupidly and shallowly smug about mostly having male partners. I’m not entirely out of the closet in that I’ve never brought a girl home to meet my parents, long divorced, or been faced with having to deal with total unrecognicion while living together with someone I love in a matrimonius way. I’ve held hands, even kissed girls in public, and I’ve picked up women from parties and clubs, (though only one encounter then went on to sex) but it would’ve been very difficult for me to face the nihilating response from everyone from health care professional to bank personnel. I don’t like having to explain myself or defend myself, but I guess no one does. I’m so lucky to be able to choose.
Or am I?
It’s true, I’m able to fall in love, to desire and to enjoy sex with all genders. (I haven’t had sex than with born male and female, so some of this is hypothetical, but I suppose it’s possible by examining my feelings.) I don’t really care about age either. I’ve had two partners who were almost twice my age. Wonderboy is a wee bit younger, though, but not significantly. But it’s not like I have some freedom of choice everyone else lacks.
Sure, I can get infatuated with my best friend, no matter what their sex! Wow, that’s great… Not. We all know, how incredibly painful and damaging to the friendship most sexually charged feelings or experiences can be. It’s even more dangerous, if you start to fall for your friend, who isn’t expecting your advances. They have trusted you with their secrets, their bare, naked self (literally and metaphorically) and you go and start lusting after them? Way to pay back the honest communication.
I’ve got to hear all the secrets of K, my (possibly, oddly ex (girl)) friend, and after listening to them and sharing my own, I got to bone her, because it was so easy to get skin to skin with a really good friend. It was cheating. I was taking advantage of her love for me. I didn’t give her a chance to say no. She didn’t say no, and she wanted it later as badly as I did, but I kind of feel I forced it. I knew my sexuality. I knew I could fall for her, I knew I lusted after her. And I did nothing to communicate any of that.
Seems to me our friendship is at a turnstile because of what we did and how we were unable to handle it. When I fell in love with her, I let myself have sex with her again even though I was in a relationship. She was leaving for a year, maybe more, to another continent, and I guess I just wanted to make it real. But I didn’t understand it at the time, and I’m pretty sure she didn’t, because even after it, she insisted she’s hetero. She only got to the conclusion, that she might be open to a relationship with a woman after having a fleeting experience with another woman, couple years back. I guess I was the converter. Good for me.
As for my new relationship, with my love Wonderboy, I do not feel the need to be with a woman. I’d love to, obviously, but as much as I’d love to hug my friends. And I’d only love to do it, if I’d have a woman in my life, who was in love with me and vice versa. Since we are not polyamyrous, but quite contently monogamous, I will in all probability never have sex with another woman (nor a man) again. When I think about it, it only makes my heart grow fonder. I think about the things I’ve done, flip my mental notebook, and say to myself, “I can’t believe that man’s dick has been inside me!” It’s propostorous. How did I care about myself so little then, that I let anonymous people touch me?
Bisexuality has not faded since I’ve been in this happy relationship with Wonderboy. I look at women. I fantasize about women. I comment women’s looks and think about them in sexual ways. I have to be careful with certain friends and aqcuintances, that I won’t create I space for an “oopsie daisie – I though you could experiment with me a little!” Wonderboy has quite clearly stated, that he would be devastated, if I was to have sex with a woman. I share his feelings.
I actually have had nightmares/fantasy dreams about Wonderboy fucking other men. It so turns me on, but those dreams also make me feel threatened and lonely. In my dreams I’m afraid he would leave me for a man! Which makes no sense, since he’s a total hetero and also madly in love with me. Our subconscius moves in mysterious ways. I’m reflecting my own ambiguity to him. Am I to be trusted? I have not been, before.
And what about the wonderful ability to choose! The freedom of choice is overwhelming! Hardly. Most of the women are either heteros or aren’t interested in me. It’s a lot more harder to meet potential relationship or sexy times women, when you’re not entirely lesbos yourself. They don’t tend to hang in the mainstream clubs and if they do, they keep a low profile. And when I meet someone the odds are we’re not combatible. This is a small city in a small nation. A handful of lesbos just wont go for everybody.
What about the men, then? Most of the men are heteros. So, enjoying a night out with my friends the two possible scenarios were A) go home with a friend and fuck up friendship even more or B) meet a new guy and try it out. After all, the men were even cornering me, so it was a lot more easy to find a guy to fuck – I mean date – than a girl.
And this is why I’m with Wonderboy. He just happened to be there. We just happened to click. If the society wasn’t this fucked up about sexuality and gender norms, maybe he could’ve been a she. Either way, I don’t mind. I don’t need to prove anyone anything. I love him and I’m still bisexual, even if I never have sex with a woman again.