Passing Woman, Pregnancy, Self-Questioning, Volatile bodies, What Women Really Want

Loose ends

Sorry for not writing more these weeks. Here’s a compilation:

This week I set things straight with K. It was a night of crying and hugging, love to be sure. I’m happy to have her in my life and back again, but it’s going to take a lot of work to make this friendship work as if it was tabula rasa, yet again.

Last Friday I got tested for basic STD’s and got also some hormone level tests done, (they also did the ultrasound to check my uterus and fallopian tubes and follicels are fine) because that’s the first step of finding out why we’re not getting pregnant. We have the doctor for more testing on our not reproducing problem next Wednesday. I don’t even know, what they are supposed to do there. I’m… I don’t even know what I feel. But I couldn’t have sex with Wonderboy, when he tried to initiate it tonight. My period is supposed to start tomorrow and I’m duly emotionally exhausted.

I’ve got tons of papers to go through for work, but my next year got cleared with a bam, so I’m kind of enjoying the buzzle now. Still, it’s really frightening to be facing the truth finally. Am I able to carry children? I’m facing my own mortality. I’ve porbably never faced anything this fatal before. Wish me luck.


2 thoughts on “Loose ends

  1. jnakabb says:

    “Luck”, my friend, whether you get good news, bad news, or (more likely than not) no news at all !

    And we all get busy.

    Take time out for yourself to recuperate.

  2. Thank you. I think no news would still be news in my mind. Compared to feeling scared about not being able to reproduce at all, it is big news. This far I’ve got all positive news (no polyps, clean uterus, follicles producing, estrogen levels normal), except my right ovary might be polycystic, but it’s not very obvious, so it might not be. We’ll find out!

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