BDSM, Coming out

I won’t hide anymore

I have to say that I’m happy to have Wonderboy in my life. Even though we’ve been discussing big things, which has even lead to Wonderboy sleeping on the couch (a while ago, though), we’ve now reached an understanding. I think this is the prime requisite for a working long term relationship of any kind, and I see so many of my friends and family trying to cope without it. Negotiating, listening, taking into account and changing the way you communicate.

The biggest problem we face is never really about the thing that’s wrong, for example the lack of sex or the lack of certain BDSM actions or lack of support, it’s always in communicating it.

Holly at the Pervocracy wrote about learning to say I don’t know. It’s a hard thing to admit. I’ve realized that in communicating about art, it’s often fruitful to open with I don’t know, but. For example, I don’t know, if you meant to bring up the psychological side effects, but you manage to do it really nicely. Or, I don’t know why, but I feel very ambivalent about him leaving her like that. It’s somehow not very credible. Could you add a little affection here? 

Everyone and their mother always says that you shouldn’t do something you don’t want to or are not ready for and you should ask for what you want. But what do I want? Some things are clear and they are clear most of the time. I like a d/s dynamic that goes beyond mere words. Here are some things I can say, even when I don’t know what I want.

I liked it when you held me by the neck.

I like it when you lick me so that your tongue almost doesn’t touch my vulva. 

I liked that when I fucked you it got you so excited. 

The last one I used when Wonderboy asked me why I hadn’t come and I had to explain.

So you weren’t enjoying at all? 

I was! But I was mostly excited about your arousal. Is that so bad? 

Wonderboy is having a night out with the guys, it’s a thing with his work mates, and I’m left to my own devices. I’m happy he’s out having fun. He doesn’t do it often… or ever. And I feel I should be longing for him to come home, because we haven’t had sex since… sunday? But I actually don’t. I’m real happy to be here by myself. I’m not even that horny, although I’ll probably still treat myself to some porn and play. It’s just something I’ve always done when I’m alone and bored or just laid back. It’s a way to relax like any other. I also got some nice Italian prosecco here with me, so cheers!

So, knowing what I want?

Something’s shifted. I’m not ashamed of what I want… or don’t want. I’m not afraid to say it.

I don’t feel obligated to have sex anymore. The other day, when I just got too sleepy? Not at all sorry for it, if I’m honest.

When I watch porn nowadays, these few weeks? It’s not all gay men pleasuring themselves as it used to be. I’ve even wanted to watch some young women fucked by muscular guys in school girl scenarios or such. And I thought it was hot, not bothering.

When we make love, have sex or play, as we say, I can look Wonderboy in the eyes. I’m not distant from him. I don’t feel like my fantasy immediately disappears, when I see him. When I see this is real life. I don’t have to hide from my desires how ever non-conservative they might be. I’m finally embracing all it is, in all it’s beauty. It feels so normal I don’t even write about it anymore! (Sorry guys…)

You seem to have better self-esteem, Wonderby remarked, when I asked him, if he’d seen any change in me. He couldn’t really put his finger on it, but I agree with him there. I do have a lot more self-esteem now. I can fuck him the way he likes, when he asks me to fuck him – even if I wonder if our dynamic tables are turned because he wants me to fuck him – even if I don’t get off on that certain kind of stimulus myself. And then later he can do things to me, I especially enjoy. And I don’t feel used, defiant or angry. I don’t need consoling, if I don’t come, because I can see why. It’s my body and so, ultimately, my own responsibility.

I’m so liberated by this knowledge, by this new self-esteem. It’s not that I now always know what I want, but that I can articulate more carefully around the things I enjoy and my feelings, when I don’t enjoy something.

I’m intrigued what will follow. I feel so… Omnipotent! I’ll probably stay that way until I come. And then I’ll start to worry, what will happen when my work ends in just a week. New adventures – here I come!

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One thought on “I won’t hide anymore

  1. Pingback: BOOM « Past the Hurt

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