BDSM, Craving for more, embracing pain, Learning to negotiate, Submissive tendencies, Wonderboy

Today I realized

That I had a safeword with my infamous ex. I’ve never thought of it that way, but yes, now I’m sure we did. It wasn’t so much of a safeword, but a way to communicate real unwanted discomfort as opposed to the discomfort I actually crave.

This came to me as a revelation today, when we were having sex and I was yelling at the top of my lungs Ou, ou, ou! Wonderboy flipped my feet over my head and fucked me deep into my cunt, the way it always so excruciatingly pains my cervix. The harder he hit my cervix, the harder I yelled… and the closer I came to an orgasm. Weird, huh? It only took a few dozen thrusts for him to spasm with the delight of coming. And I totally saw it in his reactions that part of it was the way I hurt and the way I was showing that I hurt.

He could trust, that as hard as I was hurting, I was also enjoying it. I didn’t have to try to communicate it to him. We were both there. In the abmivalence of hurting and enjoying the pain, or hurting and not wanting to hurt the other. It made me realize that I used to have to communicate my real discomfort. With a word. Just like a safeword.

How did I not notice this before? How did I not recognice it?

Once my ex, let’s call him the Hobo, bit my ear so badly that the whole ear oozed and finally stuck to my head to heal. My whole ear was a scab. But it made me so happy that he would bite me that hard!

Why did it not bother me, that he was so unreceptive to my shown discomfort? Well… In my head it was okay for him to fuck me with his finger so it hurt, because… that’s what I secretly wanted. He just thought he was doing what women want, in general. He really didn’t understand he was hurting me.

I used to yell ouch a lot, when I had sex with my ex. I used to yell a lot, mostly for that reason. Because I enjoyed the pain. But all pain wasn’t even then my cup of tea and I needed to communicate that. Even being an unemphatetic and manipulative man my ex was really committed to getting me to an orgasm. Maybe because he was a lot older. Maybe because his ex didn’t orgasm at all (and look what happened!). Maybe because he thought that would exempt him from all the other relationship work. But he did. And hurting me the wrong way just was such a huge downer it wasn’t likely.

In a situation I can’t remember I suggested that I’d yell Ouch for every time he really hurt me and had to stop and only Ou, if I was enjoying myself. It worked pretty well for a while. Then he forgot about it, and our sex life was beginning to dwindle anyway.

I haven’t needed a safeword with Wonderboy yet. I don’t know if I will. But now I know I’m completely capable of using one. I can’t believe I’ve been this blind.

What today also made me realize is that what I have alway been saying about Wonderboy not being a sadist… Well, I take it back. I think in the bottom of his soul he actually is. It’s just so wrong to enjoy hurting someone else. So unlike his gentle, caring and loving persona. But in the throas of passion he can’t hide it. He wants me to suffer. It makes him hot. Hearing my yelps, my pleading, my yells. Feeling me twisting, trying to hide or escape. He loves me to death for it. For being so sensitive it’s the easiest thing in the world to hurt me. For secretly loving it too.


One thought on “Today I realized

  1. Pingback: Abuse As Non-Consensual Play « Past the Hurt

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