BDSM, Coming out, Craving for more

Abuse As Non-Consensual Play

Like I’ve said before, I rather think that my streak of S&M has been the reason, or one of the reasons, for my previous non-consensual experiences and abusive relationships. See, if I’d only been able to fully understand and communicate, let alone accept, my inclination to be hurt, bound and degraded, I wouldn’t have had to try to manipulate myself into situations and relationships that played out those exact themes, just without the safety of intended, negotiated play. It was real alright, just like I hinted on my last post about the safeword I didn’t even realize I had.

Clarisse Thorn has written – for once! – how she’s full of the stigma concerning BDSM and the supposed abusive past all of us kinksters share. She’s made it a point to flip the tables and describe kinksters as someone who have the gene for superpowers. She describes, how kinksters are more aware of people’s emotions, their physical and psychological responses, they are better at communicating and understanding limits, also honouring said limits, and kink also seems to create intimacy in a way nothing else will. (This has also come up in research, so it’s not all just hearsay.)

She makes a good point in showing what we’re missing, when we only concentrate on the acts and how violent or non-violent we see them as. In my opinion every sexual act would probably seem violent and gross to us, if we didn’t have the cultural backgroung for interpreting them. I we didn’t understand that those people wanted to be touched that way.

I agree wit Clariesse that we should start speaking up. Would I have gone the way I did, getting myself in trouble time after time, if I’d been able to recognice the desire I had? If it hadn’t been so stigmatized that I mostly thought I was somehow broken and deserved to be treated like shit on top of everything else. (Deserved, not wanted.)

And talk about being stigmatized. Kinksters all over the globe are trying to force into people’s heads that the difference between BDSM and abuse is (not just) consent. But just like you don’t have to enjoy or have penetrative sex, you can’t categorically rule out certain physical acts from healthy sexuality just because some people (even most) don’t have the inclination to act them out.

Well, throw in some 24/7 power exchange and even feminist kinksters have trouble facing it. We’ve just come to terms with the consensuality thang. Don’t overdo it.

You can even hit someone, if they consent to it – enthusiasticly. But what about consenting to not having a say on what’s going down, and not even in the bedroom, but most of your life? Kinda scary, ain’t it?

Lori Adorable goes on to address the certainly bothering arrangament of consensual non-consent in a 24/7 power exchange, which I also find truly bothersom. She manages to keep her cool even in a discussion with Mae, who is in such a relationship with her master. Mae seems intelligent, self-aware and emotionally healthy. She really makes me question my iffy feelings on consensual non-consent (CNC).

And why should it be so hard for me to understand or accept? I play with CNC almost every time I have sex with my wonderful Wonderboy and it’s nothing if not caring, loving and exactly what I want.

I guess, what makes me uncomfortable is the question of not being able to negotiate. Sometimes Wonderboy pushes me over the edge and it makes me uncomfortable. I need to know, that in a few minutes or hours we’ll be out of it and can have a rational discussion and he’ll show me how it was really all meant for my benefit as well as his.

For example, he hit me today in the face while making love, too many times for my liking. I got a bit agitated, a bit hurt, when he did it. But when he kept on slapping I felt my pussy subjugate to his power. It throbbed. It clenched around his penis locking it in. No matter how I felt, my body had its own response. He listened to my body. He kept going.

After sex, though, I was a little fragile. I enjoyed everything thoroughly, but sometimes it’s hard to keep the emotional mess at bay, when he’s hurt me a lot. It doesn’t matter that I wanted it, that I needed it (in order to come even). It is also something that we’re used to see as a insult, a threat. Wonderboy cuddled with me, kissing me and hugging me and listening to my worry and taming my building tears. Then he decided to offer to lick me. It wasn’t imperative, because I’d come, but he felt that giving me something only meant for my pleasure would probably most effectively erase the ambivalent feelings I had lingering in my brain.

He was right.

When he started, I could feel his tongue so forceful on my still hurting pussy lips. I told him, Could you please tease me. He did it so eagerly, made me suffer, not letting me come, when I was already so close, clinging with my legs to his body, trying tu push my pelvis up into his mouth. I came, because he played the game so well, teased me like I wasn’t supposed to come.

But that’s just it. How would he have known how to make me feel better, if I wasn’t allowed to show my discontent? If I had to take whatever he planned for me. If he wouldn’t raise me up again, with him, safely.

That would be abuse. Right?

But the point I’m trying to make, in my own never ending way, is that it’s not the abuse that built my sexuality. It was my sexuality that built my abuse – and that happened because there was no way for me to reconcile love and a healthy relationship with the things I wanted done to me. Because the society at large was jumping the gun with these sic pervs, who torture each other with sex games that cause even deaths. No tour guide on egalitarianism ever taught me that I can also love pain, degradation, submitting. That as a feminist woman my sexuality is as a matter of fact entirely up to my deep rooted desires, and no one can judge them.

Here Lori speaks about trying to change her ways from a submissive woman to probably something more vanilla. I guess I did too, and look where it got me. 30 years worth of life and play and only now do I come to terms with the quality of my desires. Only now do I finally not feel threatened by them. Only now do I finally want to stay with just one person, feel connected, deeply loved and cared for, deeply desired. This could’ve been an easier road, you know. I could’ve done without a lot of the hurt.

If kink was just a sexual preference like any other.

Standard

16 thoughts on “Abuse As Non-Consensual Play

  1. Lori Adorable says:

    “If kink was just a sexual preference like any other”
    This! This is why I can’t outright condemn consensual non-consent and 24-7/TPE stuff: because for some people, it’s part of what they need to get off; it’s not just a ‘preference’ in the sense you’re using the word.

    Anyway, I’m glad that my conversation could spark another one!

  2. Great post; I’ve been following Clarisse’s and Lori’s posts as well. And very powerful about how, even when you didn’t like it, your body responded even stronger to him.

    My Dom and I engage in CNC and I am allowed, even encourated, to voice my discontent. I can cry, beg him to stop, whatever. I just know that it is up to him whether to stop right then and hold me, or keep going. Even when he keeps going, he always holds me afterward. And he has always, ALWAYS respected my safeword, which is to be used in emergencies only.

    I don’t see CNC as an inability to negotiate. Rather, it is the knowledge that you can negotiate, but you realize the final say is not up to you, and your needs might not get met RIGHT now, but may need to take a back burner for a while. In the end, though, my needs do get met.

    P.S. I couldn’t log in using the usual WordPress info of my screenname and blog, so I’m using my Twitter account, but my blog is bdsm-sexperts.blogspot.com.

  3. P.S. I couldn’t log in using the usual WordPress info of my screenname and blog, so I’m using my Twitter account, but my blog is bdsm-sexperts.blogspot.com.

    Huh. The commenting has been on and off for some time. I’ll check that all the configurations are in order. Thanks for letting me know! Also thanks for the link to your blog.

  4. Great post; I’ve been following Clarisse’s and Lori’s posts as well. And very powerful about how, even when you didn’t like it, your body responded even stronger to him.

    Thank you, Sexperts. Funny to be adressing you in plural. This, for me, is the most difficult thing yet. It gives me some strenght to read on blogs that many submissively inclined people feel the same way; they might feel irritated, analyze everything to bits, recoil or feel threatened… and at the end of the day that is somehow what they want too, and their bodies show it. I somehow have this image of a perfect scene and in it I actually enjoy everything done to me, both emotionally and physically. But sometimes it isn’t as one sided as that.

    And I think this has something to do with giving consent away in a play situation – because we do do that with Wonderboy. If we would always stop at whatever small discomfort I have, I would never get what I need. Because the overwhelming submissive enjoyment usually creeps on me. It takes a while to connect with the pain.

    So, I think I do understand your arrangement too. And I wouldn’t be afraid of that either, because in the presence of a safeword, it’s just what I long for too. Aaaand… I do love voicing my discontent and we’ve been doing a lot of work (a LOT) to get him over my pleading and start trusting that I actually want and enjoy to be stripped of power in this peculiar way.

    But when I brought up my concern over CNC I thought more about those 24/7 arrangements (or do you have such?) and how in them… Well, when is the submissive brought down to earth, cuddled and aftercared for?

    The main thing, though, is still that both partners get their needs met.

  5. Lori,

    Yep. Even if it’s hard to wrap my head, and my morals and emotions, around the thought of 24-7/TPE stuff, I really don’t feel I can ignore someone else’s sexuality. If there are some people using that kind of a relationship as a tool for abuse – and my therapist seems really worried it will happen, because she’s had one woman in treatment who had a relationship like that, and it got abusive – there are abusive people everywhere. It doesn’t straight out mean that we can condemn the whole sexuality.

    I would be pretty torn about my own sexual CNC play, if I was someone else. But that’s one of the reasons I’m writing this Blog. To make it clear to me and to others, who are still searching and pondering, that my sexuality is healthy for me, for us, and that I’m doing this willingly as a married bisexual feminist woman.

    Your blog is really interesting and the conversation so eloquent and thought out, I realized I was wondering, how you have the time and energy for such!

  6. Re: the plural… ah, yes. It bugs me, too. The grammar! When I started by blog my Dom and I were writing it together. It ended up just being mine due to his work schedule, though.

    We do have a 24/7, but he wants me to have a safeword because a.) it just seems safer and b.) I was abused in the past so what makes me freak out is not always obvious. I’ve probably used it under 10 times in 3 years.

    I think him getting over your pleading and feeling comfortable pushing your limits sounds hot! 🙂 My Dom also deals with that, so we go verrrrrry slllllowwwllllyyy. 😉

  7. what makes me freak out is not always obvious

    I think this is key, for anyone, because sometimes there just is no way zie could guess, what freaks someone else out. I mean, sometimes I don’t even understand it myself, but I’m totally freaked out all of a sudden. And for me it would feel totally unfair to put Wonderboy in a situation where he had to try to depicher my every mood, because he’d be responsible for them in a more deep way than with what we have now, if we were to play 24/7. Of which I’m not overly enthusiastic about anyway, but curious I guess.

    It’s really nice though that you explain your relationship and are not offended that I find the 24/7 CNC a bit troubling.

    …And yes. It’s incredibly hot for me as well, when Wonderboy pushes my boundaries… But sometimes it is so only after tha fact. It is also a very, very slow process. And sometimes we need to step back a bit too. 🙂

  8. “it’s not the abuse that built my sexuality. It was my sexuality that built my abuse – and that happened because there was no way for me to reconcile love and a healthy relationship with the things I wanted done to me.”

    that is a very wise observation. maybe the “radfem” (so to speak) response to that would be that your sexuality was corrupted out of the gate by The Patriarchy, and therefore you never had a chance to really develop a healthy (by which I mean “more suitably in line with radfem thought”) sexuality. but I am told I’m no radical feminist, so I guess I can’t speak to that.

  9. Hi Heidi and thanks for commenting. I actually consider myseld a radical feminist, just I guess, the fourth wave then. 🙂

    – maybe the “radfem” (so to speak) response to that would be that your sexuality was corrupted out of the gate by The Patriarchy, and therefore you never had a chance to really develop a healthy –

    Yep, that is exactly how sexuality is seen by certain radical feminist theories. Of course, patriarchy is everywhere and I am not arguing with that. It’s just that it seems a bit relativist to say that all people’s sexuality (it better not just be mine, because I’m a woman and enjoy submitting like patriarchy intended!) is corrupted. Because that’s what they’re saying, right?

    It’s I think a bit much for logic to just say that certain kinds of sexualities, which don’t happen to fall in the majority or the accepted and portrayed majority, are corrupted by patriarcy.

    Who’s making the cut? Why aren’t everybody else affected?

    And obviously especially the portrayed sexuality is completely soaked with male gaze and objectification of women. So, it can’t be a really good landmark. I just wonder what is, then?

    Somebody else’s moral compass?

    I firmly believe that “kinkiness” is actually a redundant term. That we all have secret desires and fantasies, when it comes to sex. Some of them are more accepted in our society, so you don’t have to label yourself and fight for your rights to pursue them.

    Ps. Why do you let other people define you as not radfem, Heidi? Just curious.

  10. Furthermore, I’d like to add that these theories of corruption and patriarchy and the normative way rarely leave any room for personality. We are all different. No one is arguing with that. I have a very short fuse, I mostly have aggressively defencive reaction to everything and get offended in a nano second. Couldn’t it be (and by it I mean my submissive desires) a way for my personality to construct a harmony or a balance?

    I wouldn’t submit, if I wasn’t made to, that’s in my hardcore heart of hearts. Survival of the stubbornest. When I can submit, it helps me surrender, believe in good. That’s not a trivial thing.

  11. antiprincess says:

    heh heh heh. “proper” sexuality is one of those magical moving goalposts. the fact that women have any sex drive at all is a big news flash to some, whereas in other cultures Everyone Knows that women have uncontrollable lusts, etc. so, yeah, how do you know what’s “normal” for women?

    “Who’s making the cut? Why aren’t everybody else affected?”
    oh they are. they just realize it and fight it? something?

    “Of course, patriarchy is everywhere and I am not arguing with that.”
    heehee. I do. I argue with that. http://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=27223451&postID=116746695504351230

    I’ve done all the reading, formed all the opinions, marched all the marches, carried all the banners, etc. blah blah blah. because I’m kinky, I’m knocked out of the radical feminist box for many.

  12. Antiprincess at I shame the matriarchy,

    [Patriarchy is] real, but not true.

    based on pure fiction. some ancient and dumb idea. house of cards.

    exists because we believe it exists.

    Of course. Of course it’s make believe.

    Who said make believe isn’t dangerous? Look at Christians, Muslims, Sunni, Shia, North-Corean, South-Corean all kicking the crap out of each other… All based on illusions and ideas about privilege that are very dangerous.

    And what about, when it happens to include the whole world? It’s a religion that most of the people in existence don’t see as a belief system. How can you fight that?

    **

    You can be on my team then, Antiprincess! The 21st Century Feminists. Like Clarisse Thorn, Holly the Pervocary. Fight- writing for the right for sexual autonomy regardless of gender or inclinations.

  13. Antiprincess, is my blog blocking you somehow from commenting through your blogger identity? It’s just stupid, if the link to your blog isn’t here, but I don’t know how to fix it.
    …I actually had to go through your Facebook page to get to it earlier today. That just won’t do. 😉

  14. “Who’s making the cut? Why aren’t everybody else affected?”
    oh they are. they just realize it and fight it? something?

    Talk about being privileged, right? They don’t even recognice that their own sexuality can’t be outside the influence, either, if they try to force it on someone else’s sexuality. It’s pretty much a package deal.

    I’ve done all the reading, formed all the opinions, marched all the marches, carried all the banners, etc. blah blah blah. because I’m kinky, I’m knocked out of the radical feminist box for many.

    This just makes me lose heart. Feminism is supposed to be about equality! About protecing minorities’ rights. About freedom.

    Although, if they don’t include us in feminism, it’s really no wonder; I don’t include them either.

  15. Pingback: Reconsidering | Past the Hurt

Your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s