BDSM, Coming out, Craving for more, embracing pain, Gender stereotypes, Learning to negotiate, Love, Passing Woman, Submissive tendencies

Normal Female Sexuality (The Cage of Vanilla)

I watched porn today. And not just any old porn. I watched a gang bang scene. When I was trying to find what I was in the mood for, it was like being in a grocery store. No, I don’t feel like watching men masturbating – Pass. Nah, don’t feel like small breasted teens getting fucked, either – Pass. Eventually I found the second to last thing I thought I could possibly want to watch. And I watched it with willful eyes.

Don’t get me wrong, I used to fantasize about double penetration all the time, when I was not yet in high school. Never quite got to fantasizing about a gang bang, though, but if my sexuality had flown freely and not been subjected to the strange normative paradigm of normal female sexuality, I probably would’ve at some point.

There was the longest time, however, that I could not watch porn which featured any women at all. I think this has been the way through this whole blog. Normal MF porn made me too self-conscious and… angry? Sad?  I only saw opression and I could not reconcile my own desires for that humiliation and degradation. Mostly, I think, my problem was (is sort of still) that most of the porn isn’t made for people into BDSM in general, (like me) but just  displays the totally contorted idea of sexuality and free agentism – only applicable to men – we have in our society. The norm is that women be submissive, objectified and non-active.

What has then changed for me? Porn hasn’t changed. The world hasn’t changed.

I guess I’ve come to terms with my sexuality. Although I don’t always know what I want, and sometimes when I do get something I thought I wanted, I don’t like it, I still feel that my desires are valid. I don’t feel responsible for the opression. I don’t feel that my sexual submissiveness will increase the amount of female opression in the world. I don’t even feel like a bad example anymore. (Not applicable, was what I thought at first.)

Coming to terms with my desires has changed a lot for me. I have these things I want… And sometimes it’s hard to combine them with what Wonderboy wants, or the things we are used to doing in bed. I’ve had to start negotiating and guiding a lot in a very short while. I’m still somewhere in the middle of the road, not really getting what I crave, but closer.

It probably goes without saying that Wonderboy is completely thrown by this change of hearts. He is trying so hard he hurt his cock fucking me really violently. (My wonderful love!) He has done everything I’ve asked. He’s hit me, butt slapped me, choked me, he’s done absolutely everything. But he’s been so busy in trying to appease me, he’s forgotten about himself. And that’s my biggest kink, after all. Pleasing him. Making him go crazy and just wanting to come. Edging him. Breathing in his smallest sighs and twitches. (My cunt just twitched, when I wrote that. Sigh!)

I haven’t come from penetrative sex after we came back from Europe. I know it doesn’t seem like a huge problem, and it isn’t for me, but it is for Wonderboy. He feel kind of betrayed, maybe even a failure. I usually come pretty easily. Though there have been rough patches, my default is to come before he does. He also really tries not to come before me. He can’t really enjoy it and let loose, if he knows I’m still unfullfilled. And obviously it means work for him after his orgasm, although I’ve never heard him complain about it. He always offers to go down on me, if I want it.

It must be kind of scary, if your partner suddenly seems to have these desires that you can’t fullfil. If nothing you used to do works. And we both want the same things! It’s just so scary sometimes, trying them out. Sometimes I can’t enjoy even when I know this is exactly what I want. I’m too tangled up in the new sensations. But later, when I’m alone…

So, I tell him that sometimes it takes me a while. That I like him and desire him. That I’m not mad or disappointed in anything we do. That I cherish the scenes in my memory later on.

It just has to be enough for now. I’m not used to asking for pain – and getting it. But my healthy desire is already coming through in my porn use. Funny, how happy it makes me to notice. I can handle gang bang porn! Yay!

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4 thoughts on “Normal Female Sexuality (The Cage of Vanilla)

  1. mousie762 says:

    I don’t know what to say on this topic, but I just wanted to say I like the new site design!

  2. Thank you, Mousie! I’m glad to hear from you again.

    I wanted something more refreshing and also more constructed. I guess it marks a new slate in my life. It’s not about pain, denial and struggling so much anymore than it is about self-evolving, love and finding myself. I really feel things have changed, and although it didn’t magically alter everything to a happy la-la land, I’m still much more self confident, and so – also happy.

  3. Sometimes I can’t enjoy even when I know this is exactly what I want. I’m too tangled up in the new sensations. But later, when I’m alone…

    I’ve had so many times when I didn’t feel aroused in the moment but replayed things afterward over and over to get off…nice to know it’s not just me!

    I don’t feel that my sexual submissiveness will increase the amount of female opression in the world. I don’t even feel like a bad example anymore.

    I read a lot of blog entries (here and elsewhere) about women trying to reconcile being a sub with being a feminist. For me, I spent a lot of time feeling like my dominance was this amazing feminist act of rebellion…turning it into some big political thing when really it’s just what turned me on. I feel embarrassed over my egotism now, but I’m glad I never felt ashamed for my wants, at least.

  4. PC,
    For me, I spent a lot of time feeling like my dominance was this amazing feminist act of rebellion…turning it into some big political thing when really it’s just what turned me on. I feel embarrassed over my egotism now, but I’m glad I never felt ashamed for my wants, at least.

    That’s a new one. I’ve read a lot about dominant women, and by them, but never heard that anyone would’ve thought what they were doing was kind of right. Many have problems with wanting to hurt. I’m happy that you’ve had less of that part, because I know from reading your blog that you haven’t had it easy either.

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