I watched porn today. And not just any old porn. I watched a gang bang scene. When I was trying to find what I was in the mood for, it was like being in a grocery store. No, I don’t feel like watching men masturbating – Pass. Nah, don’t feel like small breasted teens getting fucked, either – Pass. Eventually I found the second to last thing I thought I could possibly want to watch. And I watched it with willful eyes.
Don’t get me wrong, I used to fantasize about double penetration all the time, when I was not yet in high school. Never quite got to fantasizing about a gang bang, though, but if my sexuality had flown freely and not been subjected to the strange normative paradigm of normal female sexuality, I probably would’ve at some point.
There was the longest time, however, that I could not watch porn which featured any women at all. I think this has been the way through this whole blog. Normal MF porn made me too self-conscious and… angry? Sad? I only saw opression and I could not reconcile my own desires for that humiliation and degradation. Mostly, I think, my problem was (is sort of still) that most of the porn isn’t made for people into BDSM in general, (like me) but just displays the totally contorted idea of sexuality and free agentism – only applicable to men – we have in our society. The norm is that women be submissive, objectified and non-active.
What has then changed for me? Porn hasn’t changed. The world hasn’t changed.
I guess I’ve come to terms with my sexuality. Although I don’t always know what I want, and sometimes when I do get something I thought I wanted, I don’t like it, I still feel that my desires are valid. I don’t feel responsible for the opression. I don’t feel that my sexual submissiveness will increase the amount of female opression in the world. I don’t even feel like a bad example anymore. (Not applicable, was what I thought at first.)
Coming to terms with my desires has changed a lot for me. I have these things I want… And sometimes it’s hard to combine them with what Wonderboy wants, or the things we are used to doing in bed. I’ve had to start negotiating and guiding a lot in a very short while. I’m still somewhere in the middle of the road, not really getting what I crave, but closer.
It probably goes without saying that Wonderboy is completely thrown by this change of hearts. He is trying so hard he hurt his cock fucking me really violently. (My wonderful love!) He has done everything I’ve asked. He’s hit me, butt slapped me, choked me, he’s done absolutely everything. But he’s been so busy in trying to appease me, he’s forgotten about himself. And that’s my biggest kink, after all. Pleasing him. Making him go crazy and just wanting to come. Edging him. Breathing in his smallest sighs and twitches. (My cunt just twitched, when I wrote that. Sigh!)
I haven’t come from penetrative sex after we came back from Europe. I know it doesn’t seem like a huge problem, and it isn’t for me, but it is for Wonderboy. He feel kind of betrayed, maybe even a failure. I usually come pretty easily. Though there have been rough patches, my default is to come before he does. He also really tries not to come before me. He can’t really enjoy it and let loose, if he knows I’m still unfullfilled. And obviously it means work for him after his orgasm, although I’ve never heard him complain about it. He always offers to go down on me, if I want it.
It must be kind of scary, if your partner suddenly seems to have these desires that you can’t fullfil. If nothing you used to do works. And we both want the same things! It’s just so scary sometimes, trying them out. Sometimes I can’t enjoy even when I know this is exactly what I want. I’m too tangled up in the new sensations. But later, when I’m alone…
So, I tell him that sometimes it takes me a while. That I like him and desire him. That I’m not mad or disappointed in anything we do. That I cherish the scenes in my memory later on.
It just has to be enough for now. I’m not used to asking for pain – and getting it. But my healthy desire is already coming through in my porn use. Funny, how happy it makes me to notice. I can handle gang bang porn! Yay!