Hurting, Pregnancy, Self-Questioning, Volatile bodies

The Sad 15%

85% of people get pregnant in a year after they started trying.

85%! Only fifteen percent don’t. I’m that 15%.

There’s a 25% conceiving possibility, if you’re in your 20’s. In your thirties it’s 15%.

I’m that 15%.

In two years the rate of pregnancies goes to almost 98%. Probably because of the treatments we’re adviced to start after a year has passed. But what if it doesn’t happen then, either? Then I’m the 2%. Who could understand that?

People keep telling me What are you worrying about? People get pregnant all the time! That’s supposed to make me feel better? It makes me feel worse! I know they get pregnant. It’s all I see. Exhausted but harmonius pregnant women, stressed but loving women and men wheeling their incredibly wonderful little kids around in the blazing sun. Older people with their pictures of their grand children.

It just points out how broken I am for not getting pregnant. What’s wrong with me, then, that it doesn’t happen, if everybody else can? I’m in the 15% that nobody wants to recognise.

If someone is really lonely and unhappy, you don’t flaunt other people’s happiness in front of them. You don’t say Hey, other people are happy and have found a partner, so you don’t have anything to be sad about. So, why with getting pregnant? Why am I not allowed to feel the pain I’m feeling and get empathy?

My little sister, with her tight big pregnant belly and her two year old playing in the floor near us, said the best thing. She said she’d though about it and realised that it’s not just a loss for me. It’s also a loss for her, if I never get pregnant. If I never have children. She will have to carry my sorrow. She will never get to be happy for me. She will have to hide her own happiness and her own troubles from me, because I won’t get to have it. She will never get to meet my children, the wonderful and surprising people they turn out to be. She will lose too. Somehow, that was the best thing she could’ve said. She was already dealing with a possible future, where we don’t get children. She was serious. She was full of sorrow.

She heard me.

I did experience a miscarriage in very early term last summer right at this time. It was a pain no one wanted to recognise either. I got disbelief, patronising, ignoring even. Not a lot of empathy. And it was a huge deal to us. A long, long road to find each other again. And then we had to be happy, because we we’re getting married. It was the most difficult summer of my life.

But I did get pregnant. Even if it didn’t last. That would suggest that we’re not in fact incapable of conceiving. The knowledge does little to help, still, because of the time that has passed, but I’m trying to refresh those memories now. My body has fallen pregnant before. It knows how to do it.

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11 thoughts on “The Sad 15%

  1. jnakabb says:

    I’m the 2%. Who could understand that?

    You are NOT alone

    And it’s good that glad your sister can relate to some of the aspects of your sorrow.

  2. I’m so sorry you got such horrible reactions to your miscarriage. That’s just not right. But I’m glad you have at least one person besides wonderboy who understands.

  3. Jnakabb,

    I try to remind myself of that. Your (past!) sorrow goes way beyond anything I can fathom at this point, but I’m building up stamina. None of us know, how and when it will happen, if it will. It’s not up to us.

    I’m so glad my little sister has come out at the other side. She’s really put her heart and head to figuring out how to be with me, how to help me and how to still live her life like she wants. She wants a big family, more than 3 kids, if she can help it. She has to figure out how to relate to me and my sorrow. Maybe it even brings her certain kind of enlightment. They are a gift, you can’t take children for granted.

  4. Thank you, Feministsub.

    I have to say I was taken aback, when people reacted to my news very, very poorly. Because I didn’t have a test result for ever being pregnant, they just straight out said that I hadn’t been. Some just couldn’t relate at all, gave no consolations, just went on to say that Yeah, it happens a lot. Not even I’m so sorry. I couldn’t really understand, how they could not understand. And even if they didn’t, it’s common decency to say I’m sorry, congratulations etc.

    …My therapist thought that it’s just such a big emotion and such a big fear people have, that they couldn’t face it. They still want to believe in a world, where children just magically appear. They were just blaming me for what happened, so they didn’t have to think that it could happen to them. Works just like slut shaming, except it’s almost worse. 😦

    And I’m glad I have you guys! You really give me strenght to face what’s ahead… and behind.

  5. My prayers for you, both of you seem to be good people who would do right by your children when they come.(See positive vibes)

    If memory serves it took my wife and I more than a year of “trying” to conceive each of ours. It will happen and the joys will be all the greater for the past anxieties.

  6. Thank you for your positive words, Odysseus!

    It’s really nice to hear from people who have had the same troubles or just have something to relate to in this business. At this point it seems almost incredible that anyone would conceive in less than a year.

    I’m takin in all the positive vibes.

  7. Is it just me or is it the people who make the worst parents are the ones who can get pregnant from holding hands? Maybe I’m just reading too much from acquaintances of mine.

    Keep taking your folic acid, thinking positive thoughts and….trying(not a bad way to spend the time;).

  8. Odysseus,

    Keep taking your folic acid, thinking positive thoughts and….trying(not a bad way to spend the time;).

    You’re right about that last one. It’s wonderful.

    …The people who get pregnant just like that, but aren’t really sure if they should or want to… Well, they wouldn’t get pregnant, if they had to go through this. Because they wouldn’t and couldn’t do all that’s necessary. So, in a way, it’s good it’s me and not someone else. I’m willing to try and I’m prepared to do all that’s necessary. Even talk about it! 😀

  9. Ps. I just rummaged through our medicine cabinet and found multi tabs with folic acid. I popped the first just now. I’m going to keep taking them. It feels good to be able to do something… And I stopped drinking coffee for a long time in the fall, but started it again, because it was too much to think about not getting pregnant every time we’d have a coffee break and I’d only drink water.

    Thanks for the tip!

  10. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. That is a very, very sad thing.

    I’m also sorry to hear you are that 15%. I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be. Jake’sKajira is also dealing with trying to conceive and infertility in her blog, if you’re interested. I think it’s terrible some of the things people say in the face of miscarriage, infertility, and pregnancy. In each of these different situations, people feel the need to give cliche advice or just be downright rude. “It happens all the time.” “Wow, are you carrying twins?” “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant.” “You’re so huge for that far along!” I hate it; I’m dealing with one aspect now with being pregnant for the first time.

    Either way, my sympathies.

  11. Thank you so much, Sexperts. The sun is shining this wonderful day, I’m off to the beach and… this is all I’m thinking. Your thoughts and sympathies mean a lot to me.

    It hurts even now to hear that you are pregnant. But I’m happy for you at the same time.

    Don’t let people treat you like a piece of meat. People are inconsiderate, but I guess they just want to acknowledge the state of things. And that’s not bad. They just don’t know, how to act.

    Jake’s Kajira, got it. I’m already there. 🙂

    Ps. I really, really hate that just relax phrase. Just relax, and you won’t have cancer anymore! How would that sound? It really is not my not relaxing that is causing infertility. It is my body, its genetics and the one’s Wonderboy has. I can hardly change my genetic makeup. By relaxing.

    Ps2. Probably though people are just trying to handle their own fears. Stating that all it takes is relaxing is meant as a consolation – to them. They don’t want to face the reality of there just being people, who are genetically, physiologically, not compatible or have hormone troubles or defects from birth.

    I’m betting all my money and my happiness on my fallopian tubes being clogged, because I had this mysterious infection in my cervix and womb, when I was younger, and the doctors couldn’t figure out even what it was, but they kept feeding me antibiotics for it. Because that’s one viable option, and I really hope it’s something that clear and presice, something that can be fixed.

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