BDSM, embracing pain, Fantasies, Learning to negotiate, Submissive tendencies, Top-Bottom Girl

How Pain Makes Me Feel

When we talked about how we got started with this d/s dynamic we now share in our sex life, I was saying to Wonderboy, how I was surprised that he’d be not only a dominant but also a little sadistic. He’s so gentle and he used to get so worried, if I expressed discomfort in any way. That would almost certainly put an end to all things sexy. I’ve noticed a tendency, that when I really start complaining and yelling ouch… he usually comes. It’s dawning on me that maybe he felt so ambiguous, because in a way he enjoyed it, but he shouldn’t have, because I was dealing with real discomfort or even pain. At that point I couldn’t handle wanting any pain, so he couldn’t very well happily smack me and pound me, if I expressed anxiety.

But his answer was most surprising of all. He said, Well, what’s new. All the stuff I did to you, choking you, hitting you… Wouldn’t been a little hint. 

Now I’m adding to the list in my head. Fucking me so hard with my feet in the air it hits my cervix, pushing my under him so I lose my breath and his collar bone grinds my face, fucking me from positions that hurt, fucking my ass, pounding it even, fucking my throat… I mean, it was all there! But I just didn’t think it was about inflicting pain. I think I wouldn’t have tolerated that in the beginning, if I had realised.

I thought it was about dominating, binding, degrading, disciplining. Why were all those things easier to understand and accept than pain? Why was sadism so far from my thoughts?

The things weren’t in fact so easy to accept, but I do now, finally. Because no matter how much I wanted to please Wonderboy and have great sex with him, even more I needed to accept myself. I needed to find a way to connect my fantasies, my secret desires – and my sex life. I realised that this wasn’t something he was springing on me, guiding me through or – I hesitate to say – training me. We were figuring, how we fit together. We were figuring what things we like in real life. It’s so different from fantasies.

Pain and degradation feels a lot different from, how you imagine it. Things feel different depending on the day of the month, the hour of the day. There is no sure thing, when it comes to sex, and certainly no sure things, when it comes to practicing d/s in our sex life.

I kind of shy away saying practice and d/s even though I’ve now come to accept that is what we’re doing, and very happily so. Maybe it’s partly because I don’t feel it as a separate thing, like the legendary Bitchy Jones would rant. It’s separate here in Past the Hurt, where I try to analyse it, explain whys and hows of it, but it’s not separate in my life.

D/s is just a part of my sexual behaviour. A very important part, but a part anyway. It’s not like I could get off repeatedly only by playing scenes of d/s dynamic. It’s not like it’s a substitute for sex. It is not purely sex, it’s one of sex’s beautiful variations.

I don’t really know what to compare it to. I’m betting many vanilla people love rough sex, many of them even pull hair, fuck hard, bind the other with hands. What, really, separates us? Why am I part of this marginal group, and they can have the normal tag printed all over their sex life and get it represented in media as beautiful, loving and right? I used to think I got the normal tag too.

Because I used to have a sex life mostly without d/s. I say mostly, because even though I was almost completely unaware of the kinky hues, there were some. I spent sex in my own fantasy world, picturing all the things I needed to get off, because they weren’t part of the corporeality I was in. I had sex mostly with my eyes closed. That is what hurt Wonderboy in the beginning. He was present, fucking me, trying to connect with me… and I was somewhere fantasizing about something else.

My take is that experiencing pain and enjoying it in a sexual way is mostly just sensation play. It’s a little more and a little different than the ordinary sexual touches. But it also has this power to make a dynamic real. I don’t exactly get off on pain itself. I like a sturdy bare hand spanking. I love when I’m bitten from certain places. I love it when my hair is pulled – in a certain way. But if something really hurts, it only gets me turned on in two cases.

A) He is extatic. I’m over the moon about anything that makes his knees buckle. Seriously. Any moans or sighs or rowrs go straight to my cunt. So, it might actually seem I do like the pain. But If he’s only doing it for me, because he thinks I like it. Meah.

B) I feel very strongly that he does it despite what I want, and he can enforce this feeling by talking to me in such manner. I don’t mind the all you’ve been a bad girl act, but the main thing for me is that he just doesn’t care, if it hurts me or not. This also is tied to him just doing what he wants with no regard to me. He owns me. I want him to own me. He can do whatever he wants to me. He has to do whatever he wants to me!

My sexting today was also a powerful demonstration of that. It’s extremely hot for me to give him my consent beforehand as a demand like that. When I think about him coming home, just taking me to the bedroom and fucking me no matter what my state of arousal… Oh. God.

It probably will hurt (a bit). I probably won’t come (well, could be), because I’m so tied up with emotion. The important thing is that I embrace that it’s not about me. In the moment it’s not, even though it totally is. This is a tricky sexuality. He’ll make me come, if I don’t while he’s play raping me, and it will be so sweet to think what he just did and how he came. Oh oh oh.

The pain is only a thing that enforces his domination over me. It’s a way to show me my place. My body and soul understand and respond to that. I also respond to just talking down, sinister words and threats. He can play with me like that. But for rough play, this is what needs to happen. I’ve come from anal sex just by its pure sensual feel just like I come from vaginal sex. But I’ve also come from anal sex, because he was hurting me with it. He wanted it to hurt.

Most of the plays we like feature some kind of disregard of my discomfort. This is a facet of our (my) sex life, that I’ve just come to accept. And now I’m trying to understand, how I can enjoy myself with this certain need in mind. We’re playing with it. Sometimes I get very, very fragile and a bit sad and in need of declarations of love and devotion. Sometimes just deliriously happy.

Even though this certain facet of my sexuality is part of my sexuality and a need like touching the clitoris to get to an orgasm is, it can still be too much some days. I’ll still come from it, though, and cuddling is the antidote for the subdrop. And then there are only the memories I’ll use over and over again as sexual fantasies. Not a bad outcome after all.

Standard

15 thoughts on “How Pain Makes Me Feel

  1. Once again, I identify so much with this post! Especially this:
    “I’m betting many vanilla people love rough sex, many of them even pull hair, fuck hard, bind the other with hands. What, really, separates us?”

    I think you’re right, that a lot of it is about how important it is to your sexuality. Is it a sprinkling of salt on top, or is it one of the main ingredients? For a while as I was coming into my sexuality, I felt silly for making such a big deal about this stuff, reasoning that other people can do it without having to think so much about it. And yeah, if it’s just a little salt, then you don’t have to think about it much. But if it’s a staple, then, yes, it’s going to be important.

    I think I also have similar feelings about pain as you, although that’s something I’m just beginning to explore.

  2. Feministsub,

    I really hope you find wonderful play partners, or a partner, that will make you forget you ever had a doubt. You so deserve it. (Not that there are people who don’t.)

    It’s impossible to know or to really even explore this sexuality alone, because it’s so much molded into your partner’s. Of course there are people, who end up beind polygamous, because they have such diversive needs, but even monogamous people are kinky, (even!) and there are stories like mine from many people, who have had to find a way to play with the people they love and are perhaps even married to.

    I think… I could live without some of the aspects or make this work with a non-kinky partner, if they were really into cockworship (well, guys are usually not really picky about that) and rough sex. But I would probably always feel a little bit unfulfilled.

    I have to say, though, that I never even truly considered marrying my ex even though I was dead serious with him. I just didn’t see it happening. I’m guessing my hidden kinky identity was probably hinging my desire to commit to a perfectly vanilla partner for ever and ever.

  3. FS,

    I think you’re right, that a lot of it is about how important it is to your sexuality. Is it a sprinkling of salt on top, or is it one of the main ingredients?

    You said it, sister. If I had to close my eyes and think of England *cough*men using little girls*cough* and very deliberately think about something other than what was happening… I think most people (vanilla people) would find that odd, or bad sex. I still don’t like oral sex, because it brings that sort of situation back. In my mind orals sex for a woman is never sexy. Except in one of my fantasies… But that’ll be a post one of these days.

    For a while as I was coming into my sexuality, I felt silly for making such a big deal about this stuff, reasoning that other people can do it without having to think so much about it. And yeah, if it’s just a little salt, then you don’t have to think about it much. But if it’s a staple, then, yes, it’s going to be important.

    Now when I look back, I’m shocked because of my good luck. But I probably did hunt for a man with spesific qualifications unbeknownst to myself. I can’t believe it was a total accident, that Wonderboy just happened to be into dominating and sadism, and has this aura of femininity and unassumingness he’s been mistaken to be gay. I didn’t mistake him for a second, but I’m usually pretty good with that.

    I need my partner to be turned on by hurting me. Hurting me just isn’t enough. He has to want to do things to me. I am not to point and ask for every little thing. It’s play, for lube’s sake! I can’t play alone. And don’t get fooled with the basic straight guy answer to your submissiveness. Ooh, that could be cute. Rowr. I haven’t been trhought that, although Clarisse Thorn has great examples of it, but I’ve been through the Hey, it’s completely hot that you’re bi. It’s completely okay, if you have sex with girls… And then when I do, it was not. Every woman was a threat. It’s only sexy on film, I’m telling you.

    Wonderboy has so come out of his shell, because he was joking that he might not have the stamina for tomorrow night, when my friend is coming over. I might not be able to pull this performance again and that would be a shame. Like we were ever doing a threesome! It was so nice to hear him be so… boasting about it, I suppose. It was new. (I want to make it clear, that sex or romantic connection with anyone out of this relationship is not on the table for us. We are to fragile for it.)

    I think I also have similar feelings about pain as you, although that’s something I’m just beginning to explore.

    I’m just beginning to explore it too! I feel such a noobie concerning pain. I read other people’s blogs and get scared and hide behind my hands (some of Calisto’s hanging pics). And then we do something, that’s really muddled in my head, and it goes well or doesn’t and I never have any answers. Pain is even something I ask for nowadays. Different kinds of pain. Sometimes I get off… Sometimes I get sad. It’s perplexing. I feel stupid for not knowing what I want.

    That’s the way it feels. I don’t know, how it seems, when I write about it.

  4. jnakabb says:

    I’m over the moon about anything that makes his knees buckle

    I’m shocked because of my good luck…specific qualifications…into dominating and sadism…I need my partner to be turned on by hurting me

    Sounds (read) like you two are growing and learning together – you like the domination and pain – he likes that you like it; and you like that he likes it. Yay for positive feedback loops !

    Happy exploring !

    (and yay for login widgets, btw)

  5. True, Jnakabb! True, true, true. He loves that I enjoy, which makes me love because he’s enjoying and it just goes back and forth until someone – or both – come. Yay and free icecream for everyone! 🙂

  6. I think that’s really awesome. I never thought my Dom was a sadist; he liked hurting me a little but balked at too much, while I was hungry for it. But recently he’s been getting more into controlling me and a sadist is emerging! When I start to say it hurts me, he comes. As you said, that is a sure indicator. 🙂 I can’t wait to see what emerges from this new hubby of mine.

  7. jnakabb says:

    Ice cream ? I would have thought the results of such fun would have the consistency of yoghurt ! And we know acidophilus is great for the prevention and treatment of yeast infections. WIN !know acidophilus is great for the prevention and treatment of yeast infections. WIN !

  8. Sexperts,

    It really is amazing the things you can discover about your partner, when really digging deep. It takes a lot of learning and a lot of commitment, but then there’s the whole amazing orgasms and fantasies come into reality thing, which kind of makes up for the apprentice times. ;D

  9. Pingback: What I want out of life « A Feminist Sub

  10. OMG OMG OMG

    I always felt like I had to sit there with a smile nailed on my face during those conversations because I just couldn’t relate.
    But to be a sexually-liberated feminist woman who could take or leave oral sex? Blasphemy.

    Ohhahhaaaa. Omg. This. I. Oh Femsub, you really make me laugh so hard! Because this is EXACTLY how I feel.

  11. I didn’t think twice about writing that, but now… I have to agree with you. Oh my.

    Edit. Oh, Sexperts said the same! Damn. Not everything is about me. 😀

  12. This whole thing. Yes. You put into words what I’m struggling with right now. Thank you for leaving this trail for others to follow.

    ~bunny

  13. It was so, so hard. It’s still hard sometimes, but it’s not as demanding. We’re able to let it go for a while. We have the fluidity that’s needed to keep this d/s relationship going. It just doesn’t stay the same and we need to reconsider and reorganize ourselves so often. But I think now we’re ready for that. Now we can. Now it doesn’t make us scared anymore that this was it all, that somehow one of us will drop the whole thing. I don’t think either of us feels that’s a possibility anymore. But movement is, change is.

    Also, I love the mental picture you used. I’m thinking about the bread crumbs Hansel and Grethel left.

    Also also, you are making me read my old posts again and visit some emotions and changes I had forgotten about. I had forgotten how far we have come. Thank you for that.

Your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s