Passing Woman, Pregnancy, Self-Questioning, Volatile bodies

A Little Hope

I have to put this somewhere because it’s on my mind all the time. Maybe I’ll get a little peace, if I write it here. But you have to promise not to get excited. Okay?

I haven’t been able to sleep very well, because my womb has been aching. It’s like a small pebble in my right ovary. This has happened before. I’ve even thrown up from the odd pressing feeling, and I was still not pregnant. My right ovary had some signs of POC, a lot of eggs developing at the same time, and that might cause the nausea.

But you all know what else could cause it too, right?

This Monday, heading up North, I stopped to have lunch in a city on the way. After eating really spicy food I felt incredibly unwell and went to the bathroom. I had to spend some time there handling the odd sensation of pain and nausea at the same time. And then I bled. It was so bright and light, it didn’t resemble period blood at all. But this also has happened before.

I had already suspected I’m pregnant. I was feeling faint and a little nauseated all the time through the last couple of days. I was devastated to see the blood and cried on and off the whole journey. I stopped to swim and read, watched kids playing in the grass shore and mommies with their wobbling tummies go take a swim. It made me feel a bit better. If it wasn’t time yet, then it wasn’t time yet. I’d been there before after all.

But the nausea hasn’t gone away. Yesterday I almost threw up, when the oven started omitting this wonderful smell of stuffed peppers we were making. I had a hard twitch in my womb, when I picked my bag too quickly from the floor. And I’ve been taking naps, because I just seem to be so tired.

I don’t know, if it’s supposed to hurt almost all the time, when you’re pregnant, but I know it’s not, if you’re not. Right? I’m fighting nausea as I write, so you probably get what I’m thinking. If only…

And I still have a whole week to go before it makes any sense to even take a test. Or The Test.

It didn’t really relieve my building expectations that I spent yesterday in my sister’s second baby’s baby shower. It was fun and all, but I’ getting a little too hopeful. What if it’s just another ruse?

I had to tell Wonderboy yesterday, because I’ve also been more than a little on the edge mentally. I’ve been quite aggressively demanding he help me with redecorating some old furniture I bought from the way. So I told him how I felt, and he’s been really loving and wonderfull after that. He came behind me just now, lowered his head to kiss me and caressed my tummy. I stopped his hand and kept it in place.

Please, not like that. If you want to be good to me just let it lie there.

He put both of his hands on my tummy and it felt really good, warm and safe. I felt his building expectations, love and hope too. And I saw a little glimpse of the future.



Also, since this is a sex blog and all, I’ve been so horny and we’ve had sex where I’ve felt just like I used to feel when we met. Consumed. And then I’ve had to play with myself, oh, two three time after that. And I’ve tasted a little different. Don’t ask how I know, though.


One thought on “A Little Hope

  1. Pingback: Hope and a Few Theories on Early Pregnancy Telltale Signs | Past the Hurt

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