Love, Wonderboy

Love Is A Fickle Thing

Wonderboy trimmed his beard and hair. He posed in front of the mirror and kept giggling at something. When I was sitting on the couch crying, sending a message to my mom about the miscarriage, he looked up and asked What’s wrong? 

What’s wrong?

Is it impossible to understand that I feel the miscarriage? Is it impossible to understand that I am sad and will continue to be sad because I was pregnant and now I’m just bleeding?

How can he be so cheerful? I can understand that it’s mostly theoretical to him, but how can he go around giggling and making jokes, when he sees how devastated I am? When he knows I’m in pain?

I don’t understand. And when I said to him that I don’t know, if he’s taking this seriously, he got angry. When I went to hug him and said I’m sorry and I didn’t mean to hurt him by insinuating he doesn’t care, he answered that he’s tried to offer me sympathy and support me as best he can.

He has absolutely no feelings about this?

He has absolutely no feelings about this.

I don’t love him as much as I did in the morning.

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6 thoughts on “Love Is A Fickle Thing

  1. After writing this I read a forum on miscarriage, and this one woman said that her husband just drowned himself in work after the miscarriage. She also said that the best thing for their relationship was that they didn’t blame each other for not mourning enough.

    I’m thinking about her words really hard now.

  2. mousie762 says:

    I would tend to imagine he doesn’t really know how you feel about this. If it wasn’t for what I read here, I would understand much less than I do. Hugs!

  3. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

    On some level I do think women feel the emotional pain of a miscarriage more than men, simply because our bodies are invested in pregnancy in a way that men’s are not. But it’s also entirely feasible that Wonderboy is just mourning in his own way. Maybe he’s dealing with his pain by repressing it, maybe he’s trying to be “strong” in order to comfort you…it’s hard to say.

    Have you explained to Wonderboy what this experience has been like, for you? Have you asked what it’s been like for him?

  4. jnakabb says:

    Ah, Rogue. You’ve wanted this baby for so long. You felt your body change to accommodate its new role and everything was immediate to your perspective.

    Until I could associate “clothes pegs” on an ultrasound or see the rounding of my wife’s belly, I found it hard to invest my feelings in the parental role. And the loss of something less concrete feels different from having a gap where someone so desired has departed.

    Maybe Wonderboy feels the the same as I did. He may be concerned for you, but not having inhabited the mantle of the father, it’s your, as opposed to his, loss. He may be sorry for you, rather than the loss of his baby. And maybe he’ll think about it later and realise just what he may have missed.

    Best wishes for both of you.

  5. PC, you are also right. We talked about it yesterday on the way home and he confessed that he’s been trying to cheer me up. He thinks this is a tragedy and he feels mostly for my pain. He said he doesn’t know the right things to say, so he stays quiet and tries to be there for me to hug and hold. He also said that he still has high hopes for the future, and isn’t as devastated as I am. He didn’t lost anything concrete, like Jnakabb said, just an opportunity. I need to get this over with before I can start hoping for another chance.

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