BDSM, Coming out, Learning to negotiate, Top-Bottom Girl, What Women Really Want, Wonderboy

Learning To Say What I Want

I like it, when he almost gently tells me, how he’s going to use me. I love it, when he tells me, somewhat drugged by the pleasure, how good it feels when I deepthroat him. I love it when he treats me like a thing, a lovely cherished thing, but a thing of his.

There was the lovely cowgirl fuck with suffocating and trash talk on Friday. Double penetration and ass fucking with fingers and minds blown apart and away.

There was the second cowgirl fuck with hair pulling and suffocating on Saturday. It was followed by a cock and ball worship with him towering over me, and some face fucking to boost. After that the rampant doggie style sex feast that sent me to oblivion so many times I lost count – and my voice.

And then there was the forced deepthroating yesterday with trash talk finished up with a quick and hard fuck for him to just come. After he came he licked me and I coughed up the nerve to ask him, how would he punish me, if I came. He had spent the trash talking telling me, how I’m his and how he owns me and uses me as he wishes. The sentence that popped into my head over and over again was you own my orgasms. Even in the throas of passion I immediately thought but hey, that’s orgasm denial lingo! I’m not into that.

I couldn’t say it, but I danced around it asking what my punishment will be and why is that he controls my orgasms. When I started getting closer playing with my nipples, which also is a new thing I nowadays feel comfortable doing, he put his body weight on my thighs forcing them against my stomach and licking me with what seemed like a teasing manner.

It was wonderful. I couldn’t choose which time I loved the most, because after each I was totally spent, happy and fulfilled in a way I only am, when he truly dominates me.

After each act we somehow got more comfortable with each other. He spoke more, which  I always crave, but sometimes he just goes all mute, even when I ask him to speak to me. He told me how he owns me, called me a whore and a plaything and told me how he was going to use me. How I had no say. He’s so good at giving orders that I don’t even see them as such. I’m trying to model my behaviour after his and learn how to ask for things I desire. Like it’s self-evident that he will do it.

Seems that I usually do have these certain cravings but that I dismiss them as uncertain before I act on them. In these three instances I recognised my desires, tossed them around in my head ashamed and unwilling to voice them and then just made myself say some of them or even a part of them. I couldn’t say You own my orgasms, because it seemed so dramatic and pretentious, but I could say I’m not allowed to come, am I? How will you punish me, if I come? 

After I came, I told him which things I liked. I told him I loved when he held his hand on my neck when I was sucking him as he stood at the foot of the bed. The tension in his hand brought me arousal beyond belief. I didn’t know he could reach me like that.

I also told him that next time he can tease me even more, be more open about owning me and stop to ask, if I’m close and just emphasize how that is simply unacceptable.

Every day I pointed out to him, how happy we were after sex. I talked about the things he had done to me just to say them out loud. You strangled me… And I liked it. You fucked my ass with your fingers… And I liked it. And look, how happy we both are! I wanted to show him, how much has changed. He doesn’t have to be nervious about insulting me and me turning on him after the sex is done. I’m all there, communicating with him, choosing to start sucking his cock, choosing to pull my face from his and straddle him more upright than before.

I am so much more comfortable. I don’t feel scared at all. I know that whatever happens, I will have a wonderful time. That he will not let me down. I can be as happy with him licking me than with an orgasm from him pounding me with his cock and fingers back and front at the same time.

This makes me happy about the sex. Not expecting certain things, not accepting only certain things as sex. When I don’t let myself think what this means and does this make me a submissive and is this enough, but just say what I want and more importantly do what I want… Seems to be the key to being happy with my sex life. I used to be so strangled by my submissive role that I didn’t assert my desires and didn’t initiate almost anything. It’s not topping from the bottom, if I tell him what makes me crazy and what I desire. He will make the decisions about whether it’s something he can feel comfortable with. Just like the other way around.

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