BDSM, Coming out, Craving for more, Hyper-Sexual, Self-Questioning, What Women Really Want

Kiss And Tell

I’ve been avoiding writing here. The reason is probably one you thought you’d never hear from me. I thought so too. But I can’t just not tell you this. And nothing that’s happened since makes any sense, if you don’t know this.

Let me preface this by saying I had a work gig in another city and after the sweating and lifting (Yeah, right. More like talking and more talking.) it was a free booze buffet all the way through. Everyone was feeling pretty giddy, and I got a chance to meet some new collagues in a mellow atmosphere and hung out with one I already knew. But I didn’t know all about him. We met him and his wife a year back visiting the same city with Wonderboy. Mister M, for his moustache, is very outgoing and fun and was very easy to spend time with.
When he greeted me at the party, I noticed how luscious his lips were. I hadn’t noticed that before. He seemed to know everybody so I tagged along with him drinking some wine and meeting new people. I had my own group, but I left the party with him to go see another one. Totally innocently, by the way.

(Is this as obvious as it seems in retrospect? I really hope it wasn’t for all involved.)

Somehow, somewhere in our conversation BDSM came up. I really honestly have no idea, how that happened. I think we were talking about literature first. So, he very nonchalantly says that he and his wife used to go to play parties and he was even once propositioned by a submissive guy, but declined the spanking, because frankly, I think, he didn’t see much point in it without the sex. This is just my interpretation by the way. When I asked, why he didn’t do it, (like any good girl would) he just answered that then he would’ve come to our house. I also might have added that the though was incredibly hot. Honestly, I can understand his hesitation. It’s easy to get along with everyone on the blogs, but let a random submissive guy in my home, let alone for something I’ve never done with someone else than my partner? It’s tricky.

I wanted to go dancing so he took me. On the way we dropped by a bar and I accidently also met this guy who draws dark d/s type fantasies for a living. I was like, woah, what’s happening? Has this been here all along, and I’m just now being initiated? It all started to unravel after the umpteenth drink, on the counter, when he asked me, finally, so are you into that stuff, too?

Only to get off, I answered and he coughed his beer for a while there. I’m not really into suddleties, especially when I’m talking about sex. Drunk. With a hot, slightly older dom type guy, who is really nice to me and holds my purse. What are the odds that this nice, academic, funny, art loving man, an acquaintance of mine, would be into d/s? Especially the d part. One in a zillion?

I had been wondering about the chemistry between us. It hadn’t been there the last time we met, but somehow from the moment we met that night it was obvious for both of us. The attraction. And finally, in the deepest corner of the dance floor, it became clear. It was the d/s dynamic we crave for. Last time we met I wasn’t ready to be open about it. I couldn’t even see it in myself, let alone someone else. Now I am.

We danced, and if it wasn’t actually shameless, it’s not something I’d want on Youtube. Most of the time we were surrounded by collagues, so it wasn’t that seedy, but the dancing itself was. Pretty. Fucking. Disturbing. It was so much fun, I don’t remember when was the last time I let loose like that. Old twist followed by a waltz followed by Beyoncé meets Britney followed by old tango. I’m pretty sure my hair touched the floor more than once.  I’m also pretty sure my dress was up over my butt more than once. I’m so relieved that I had a black petticoat under, like a good old granny, and didn’t show anything that spectacular to all my dancing friends.

Why I dind’t back the fuck off, you ask? Why I didn’t say, come on, I’m married?

Well. The thing is. We were only dancing. This has happened to me before. I’m pretty insatiable on the dance floor. But it isn’t sexual for me. Whatever happens on the dance floor is just dancing, however sexy it might look from the outside. I wasn’t turned on, so it didn’t register as cheating to me. But of course I thought about it. Especially since he suddenly turned me around, grabbed both my arms from behind and… um… you know. Held me in bare hand bondage for a pretty rough dance move. I still have some small marks on my arms, where he held me.

And the only thing I wanted… was for him to hit me.

I even drunkenly propositioned it to him, but he either didn’t understand or didn’t want to. When we left the night club, together, there was this one single collague, who was trying to score from the people leaving the place. He had seen us dancing and as we stood there talking about his luck with women, he started egging us on to kiss.

Come on, kiss. You know you want to. Just kiss. Kiss, kiss, kiss!

It was like being in a playground. Like we had to do it to spite him or something.

I did want to kiss him. At that point the desire was palpable. I not only wanted to kiss him, I wanted to own him, or to be owned. My drunken libido was all about submission. He caressed a trail hair from my face and then caressed my cheek, and it felt oddly familiar. There has been more than one older man in my time, who I’ve felt compelled to take a leap of faith with, although M is only 9 years my senior. He was so gentle, looked at me like I had something he’d lost. I knew the feeling, deep in my gut I felt it. Sorrow. Obliged to lift his sorrow.

Am I forever trying to win my father’s affection? Am I testing my worth over and over again on men, who are older, who have power, so it would mean something? What would it mean? The desire is so distinct from the one I feel for Wonderboy, I have to question it. Why is it always like this? What am I trying to prove? I didn’t catch these thoughts then and there, but later on examining my feelings. Examining the childish way of my feelings, the obsessiveness, the feel of the hunt.

He smiled, laughed a little laugh and pulled me to him from my waist. He might have let out an audible okay, then or let me show you or something, I’m not sure. His smile was a grin, an awaiting grin. Our lips almost touched. There was a moment of silence, searching something. And then I lowered my head.

I couldn’t do it.

I didn’t want to kiss him. I wanted something else. Something i didn’t know about myself. Because I could see it so clearly that I’d been in this same situation for a thousand times. And never pulled back. Never thought about what I actually wanted. Now I did, and so did he.

I said to the guy watching us closely Oh, boy, you’re really bad.

You wanted to kiss him, he answered.

Yeah, I did, I answered.

But what I wanted more was not to. The urge was easily overcome, when I wasn’t thinking about, how it was supposed to go. When I didn’t actually consider his feelings at all. Just mine.

He then walked me to my hotel and on the way he talked about how they’d discussed polygamy, but his wife wasn’t okay with the idea, even though it turned them both on. We talked about homosexuality, desiring trans people and wanting things you shouldn’t. This is where I finally confessed that I’d actually only wanted for him to hit me.

He was surprised and asked Is that what you’re into?

And do you know what I answered?

If I ask for it. 

This had been a night of enlightment. I said goodbye to him with a promise that if our spouses change their minds, we can discuss spanking in the improbable future. I really felt no regret. I felt joyous. I’d done it. I’d searched myself for the answer and I’d stood by it. I didn’t want sex. I wanted d/s play, unattached from sex altogether. I thought it was a part of expressing our love. I thought it was only a part of sex. Seems I was wrong. Seems it is something I crave on its own, too.  Like hamburgers and red wine. No emotional attachment necessary. Only the right configuration in a partner.

Seems it’s something I crave on its own.

This is a big change. One I have to think about carefully. What does it mean?
It’s scary. It changes everything. I have no shield, no love that I can trust to keep me away from trouble. But I have something else now. Self-knowledge.

An hour ago Wonderboy was lying on top of me, kissing me. His head lolled between my breasts and I caressed his face and back.

How would you feel, if someone else would spank me? I asked of him.

He smiled. I don’t know, he mused. And then we kissed.

Standard

18 thoughts on “Kiss And Tell

  1. I bet you could arrange to be spanked by someone else, if you wanted. It’s encouraging that Wonderboy’s initial reaction to the idea was simply neutral rather than negative.

    If you talk about it further and it turns out that the idea of lending you out for some beatings makes him feel possessive or nervous, you can propose that you two find a switch and Wonderboy ORDERS him or her to spank you…thus putting Wonderboy in control. Or perhaps a male dom would feel threatening to Wonderboy but a female one would not (would you be interested in spankings from a woman, or just from a man?).

    Just a thought. 🙂

    This was a great post, btw. It’s always fascinating to read about people’s personal epiphanies!

  2. Oh, wow, I was on the edge of my seat reading this, like you were a fictional character, wondering what was going to *happen.*

    >>>I had been wondering about the chemistry between us. It hadn’t been there the last time we met, but somehow from the moment we met that night it was obvious for both of us. The attraction. And finally, in the deepest corner of the dance floor, it became clear. It was the d/s dynamic we crave for. Last time we met I wasn’t ready to be open about it. I couldn’t even see it in myself, let alone someone else. Now I am.

    This reminds me of an old friend. When I was 24 and totally clueless, I had a male roommate who was about 10 years older. He was a very sexual person, but always in a respectful way, and in retrospect we totally fell into a sort of platonic and unspoken dom/sub relationship. He kind of acted like a house patriarch, and the other roommates found that annoying, but I loved it, ha. I could never quite place my finger on how I felt about him – it wasn’t quite a crush, but I always felt drawn to him. I always wanted to please/impress him and I always trusted him to take care of me. (I still remember the time he took me to the ER at 7 am with a fever, chastising me for not waking him when I woke up in pain at 4 am)

    Actually, one summer when we were living together, he went away for a few months and I stayed in his room since it was nicer than mine. I remember he had an actual collar on top of his dresser (freaking exhibitionist, ha) and I was sort of like “whoa” at that, but just thought of it as a “random kinky sex” thing (which it may very well have been). But when I first started exploring D/s, I thought back to my old roommate and realized “ohhhhhh, he was into BDSM.” And then it was only a few months ago that I realized what our relationship had been.

    I have also had some variation on this dynamic with a number of older men. There’s something very comfortable about it to me. I do think there’s a part of it that reproduces my relationship with my father – both the wanting to please and the feeling cared for.

    Sorry, this got so long. Maybe it should be a post on my own neglected blog!

  3. Feministsub,
    Oh, wow, I was on the edge of my seat reading this, like you were a fictional character, wondering what was going to *happen.*

    I thought about that, when I wrote this. How it’s like a thriller, when you know what’s at stake. I’m so happy I knew that too!

    That’s a really interesting, sexy story you tell about your roommate. Would make a great short story, I’m sure. I really looove the clueless sub and older, wordly gentleman theme. Oh boy. (Our relationships are nothing but cheap BDSM romance novels.) 😀

    I think, now that I actually think about it, that I’ve had many, many relationships over the years that have had some hues of d/s in them, just like yours. I just wasn’t ready to understand. I’m actually not sure, if M is okay with the desires himself, because he didn’t answer my email where I stated that what happened was fun and should our relationships evolve, I’d be up for the d/s just without the sex. He was the firts to write to me, though, so maybe he’s just unsure what he would say to me. That happens sometimes.

    You’ve spoiled me, you guys! I’m too comfortable in my own skin now. I’m scaring off the older dom type guys now. 😉

    I have also had some variation on this dynamic with a number of older men. There’s something very comfortable about it to me. I do think there’s a part of it that reproduces my relationship with my father – both the wanting to please and the feeling cared for.

    I guess, when you’re not entirely out yet, it’s easiest, because it’s the cultural norm for submission. A young, pretty woman with an older wealthy or powerful man. Now I see differently, though, what the whole thing is about. I’d very much like to read, if you wrote a whole post about your experience!

    My father never made me feel cared for. I’m like a son to him, and I thank him for that, because that’s made me pursue my dream career, because it never occured to me that I couldn’t. But I think that maybe I’m trying to mend something in myself by hunting these foxes. Maybe I’m trying to lure the care I never got for myself, now that I can. Even though Wonderboy actually cares for me better, he sees me and hears me and is actually a lot more physically powrful than any of these men. But it’s egalitarian.

    I’m looking for a d/s twist on the whole relationship. Oh my god, I totally am.

  4. PC, I love it how pragmatic you are about this. I almost expected it.

    Funny you should ask, but somehow I don’t feel a pull towards a woman top. I never knew. It would have to be a guy, and I guy I would fancy in some way.

    I’ve been thinking about play parties and munches for a long time now. And I’ve wondered why I feel such a pull to attend? It’s not like I could… *do* anything. I still don’t really understand, why it seems that I want this *thing* from someone else, when Wonderboy is more than good at fulfilling my desires. But I’ll tell about that later. 😉

    I do suspect that it would make Wonderboy nervious. And I don’t know, how I’d feel, if he would top someone else. But this is the first time ever that I’m seriously considering it. For real. Except obviously, it’s not my decision to make. It’s still better that I recognise these desires and talk about them openly. Maybe I can avoid a total catatrophe (this time).

  5. Funny you should ask, but somehow I don’t feel a pull towards a woman top.

    With men, I’m strictly dominant and can’t bear the idea of being even the tiniest bit switchy. With women…well, more research is needed but there’s some evidence that I’m able to be more flexible in my role. So I know that gender can make a difference. 🙂

    I still don’t really understand, why it seems that I want this *thing* from someone else, when Wonderboy is more than good at fulfilling my desires.

    Perhaps one of your desires is variety…and Wonderboy, though clearly amazing, is only one man. 🙂

    Also: a beating from a relative stranger carries more danger than a beating from the boy you love and feel safe with. Perhaps you’re curious to experience that fear.

  6. I thought about that, when I wrote this. How it’s like a thriller, when you know what’s at stake. I’m so happy I knew that too!

    I know! Based on the title of your post and your introductory text, I was so worried that you’d kissed the guy and it had caused problems … Not that I’d just jump to the conclusion that you would do that, but, well, you did build the suspense nicely!

    Maybe I *will* write a longer post about this. Actually, while I was writing it, I thought “if I added some sex, this would make a great erotic story.” Hm. It’s been such a common theme in my relationships. Always non-sexual on the surface, but with this strong undercurrent. As a feminist, I get irritated that this is such a common theme in pop culture, but I can’t deny the pull.

    My father never made me feel cared for. I’m like a son to him, and I thank him for that, because that’s made me pursue my dream career, because it never occured to me that I couldn’t. But I think that maybe I’m trying to mend something in myself by hunting these foxes.

    Do we have the same father? 🙂 I will say that I did always feel cared for by my father – we always had a special bond – but he pushed me hard and raised me much like a son. Or more accurately, like a genderless child. Which was freeing in many ways but frustrating in others.

    Even though Wonderboy actually cares for me better, he sees me and hears me and is actually a lot more physically powrful than any of these men. But it’s egalitarian. I’m looking for a d/s twist on the whole relationship. Oh my god, I totally am.

    Yeah, this is exactly the struggle I was talking about when we were chatting earlier. On the one hand, wanting the egalitarian partner who sees you and cares about you as an equal and on the other, wanting the D/s twist, to be cared for in that way. It’s a conundrum, for sure.

  7. I’ve been thinking about play parties and munches for a long time now. And I’ve wondered why I feel such a pull to attend? It’s not like I could… *do* anything.

    Well, maybe it would be enough for now just to meet other kinky people in the flesh? This has been the great thing about the few munches I’ve attended – just meeting other people who are “weird like me” and getting concrete proof that it’s really, really not just something from the internet. 🙂

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  9. Femsub,

    That’s what I was hoping for before the catastrophe with Wonderboy. That’s how I tried to sell it to him too. *This way you could learn from people and talk with people who are in the same position as you, topping*…

    WB: And then I’d spank and fuck the women! Yahoo! (Maybe a bit embellished.) 😛

  10. I know! Based on the title of your post and your introductory text, I was so worried that you’d kissed the guy and it had caused problems … Not that I’d just jump to the conclusion that you would do that, but, well, you did build the suspense nicely!

    Thanks for that. Nice to know I don’t seem as suspicious as I feel. I was honestly worried that Jnakabb and Mousie would not like me anymore after what I did.

    Does treating a girl child like a genderless one grow feminist submissives? It seems that way to me. ;D

  11. Does treating a girl child like a genderless one grow feminist submissives? It seems that way to me.

    I was raised in a fairly genderless way, too; my father expected me to be good at math, played catch with me, etc. He also initiated playfights with me, which he always won and which made me feel monumentally angry and ashamed of being just a weak girl (although come to think of it I wouldn’t have won as a boy, either).

    I developed a keen interest in being stronger than men and forcing them to submit to me.

    So in my case, being treated as genderless grew a feminist DOMINANT. 😛

  12. jnakabb says:

    worried that Jnakabb and Mousie would not like me
    Please don’t take my busy-ness as a sign of disapproval.

    I was thinking of a posting a comment, but thought I’d be stating the obvious (looks particularly relevant, in hindsight), but it was something along the lines of :

    It’s amazing how multi-dimensional our relationships are. We have different axes of exclusivity, gender presentation, gender preference etc, as well as our sets of taboos, soft and hard limits that may be applied differently, as well as turn-ons, fantasies and kinks.

    Part of the challenge (and a lot of the fun) is establishing which limits apply to what activities, with whom and in what situations. For instance, I know some people (RL and online) who have guidelines like :

    exclusive, missionary-only (maybe not many of these) 😉
    exclusive kissing/bareback/”marriage bed”/anal/rear-entry
    take turns on who can use the house for “entertaining”

    Negotiated limits can form buffers around a relationship, maintaining security for all partners. It’s okay to want something that the other doesn’t, but it may take a bit of communication to establish what’s acceptable, what’s forgivable and what constitutes hard limits.

    It sounds like you relish the prospect of learning more about your submission/pain play (maybe with M) and want to keep sex as something belonging to your marriage. Now to find a way to communicate this with WB and work out what may need to stay as fantasy, what can be role-played by yourselves and what can be explored with others.

    … and that’s quite enough pontificating from me !

  13. It sounds like you relish the prospect of learning more about your submission/pain play (maybe with M) and want to keep sex as something belonging to your marriage. Now to find a way to communicate this with WB and work out what may need to stay as fantasy, what can be role-played by yourselves and what can be explored with others.

    Exactly, Jnakabb! It wasn’t so clear to Wonderboy, though. Im trying to be good at communicating and I end up getting hurt. Hmm. But things always seem to go forward. It’s probably a good thing, as Mousie said, that things are in the open. I know what kind of desires might lurk under the silky surface of Wonderboy’s skin. It did occur to me, that we can be pretty spesific about what is allowed and what is not… and we have been – kissing is not allowed with anyone else. It’s a hard limit for me as you can read from Kiss and tell. I know it crosses a line that should not be crossed.

  14. “worried that Jnakabb and Mousie would not like me”
    Please don’t take my busy-ness as a sign of disapproval.

    I was just worried about it beforehand! You just seem such good guys, I didn’t want to disappoint you by being… less than good.

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