I need your help, but I’m too tired to write it all down now. Suffice to say that when I introduced a tentative someone else could spank me thought, Wonderboy jumped on it. Only. He wants to fuck in addition to spanking. Someone else than me that is. He confessed it’s a thought he’s had for a while, but never thought he could present to me. He hasn’t stopped smiling since we first talked about it tonight. This is a mosaic of dialogues we had, but there were a lot more.
Why do I feel like crying? I don’t want to have sex with anyone else. Why is it so hard to face that he does? It shouldn’t be a surprise, if you think about the tropes we’re grown up with. Men always want to fuck everyone. Men are insatiable, etc.
I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it. But I’m entirely sure that his thoroughly enthusiastic response with details like I’ll always come back to you, I’ll use a condom and You’d still be my favourite kind of break my heart. Like it’s already happened, let alone decided. Suddenly he’s all too willing to let me fuck whoever else. How?
I asked, if his desire to fuck other women had something to do with him being a virgin, when we met and he said maybe.
This was the thing I was afraid of! Do you remember me telling you that we can’t work, because you’ll eventually want to try sex with other people?
How would you feel, if I fucked some big dig guy against a wall?
Would you wear a condom?
Well, of course.
Would you still come home to me and fuck me too?
What about a woman?
That wouldn’t be such a big deal.
Really? Because they have no cock?
It just wouldn’t be that big a deal.
All the memories of my last relationship wash over me. He said the same words, and look where it got me.
But I don’t want to fuck anyone else, I say. It’s true. I don’t. I would, if he would. And it would be no healthier than it ever was.
At this point I see no good in him fucking someone else. It only makes me feel really small.
What are you afraid of then? he asks. Funny I should have to justify that now.
I guess I’m afraid of losing you.
You won’t lose me. I’ll always be yours. And you’re mine.
It just makes me think about all the things that are wrong with me.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
I’ll just spank them and then fuck them a little.
You can’t fuck a little bit, you either fuck or you don’t.
He gets hard and starts kissing me.
What would you do now, if I was someone else?
I’d do this, he says and turns me onto my stomach. Then he enters me and fucks me even when I’m not ready. He comes fairly quickly and although I kinda get into it in the end, I feel like shit when it’s over.
Now I have to get home to my wife, he says.
It’s the world’s most terrible joke and the world’s most terrible situation for it. I break into tears and he cuddles me, but is already nodding off.
We’ll talk tomorrow. I have to sleep, so I can talk with you tomorrow.
Well, I can’t very well keep him awake, can I? But I keep myself awake, changing my mind every other minute. I feel like now I have to let him fuck other women. I feel like I have no choice. I feel like I’ve been played. I feel like he jumped to the fucking other people too quickly, when I was propositioning trying to find spanking or more serious d/s and pain play partners, maybe, if we both were comfortable with it.
I’ve been listening to other people, so I know I have things good with you, he says. You’re such a wild thing in bed. I won’t find anyone better than you, I’m sure.
Why do you want to do it then?
He doesn’t give me an answer. But he keeps smiling inward. Stab, stab, stab.
Why are you so sad? he asks, when tears roll down my face. I don’t really understand the question.
Because I take this seriosly.
And I do. What devastating effect can careless words have. And they’re just words.