Fantasies, Learning to negotiate, Love, Volatile bodies, Wonderboy

Sex With Someone Else

I need your help, but I’m too tired to write it all down now. Suffice to say that when I introduced a tentative someone else could spank me thought, Wonderboy jumped on it. Only. He wants to fuck in addition to spanking. Someone else than me that is. He confessed it’s a thought he’s had for a while, but never thought he could present to me. He hasn’t stopped smiling since we first talked about it tonight. This is a mosaic of dialogues we had, but there were a lot more.

Why do I feel like crying? I don’t want to have sex with anyone else. Why is it so hard to face that he does? It shouldn’t be a surprise, if you think about the tropes we’re grown up with. Men always want to fuck everyone. Men are insatiable, etc.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it. But I’m entirely sure that his thoroughly enthusiastic response with details like I’ll always come back to you, I’ll use a condom and You’d still be my favourite kind of break my heart. Like it’s already happened, let alone decided. Suddenly he’s all too willing to let me fuck whoever else. How?

I asked, if his desire to fuck other women had something to do with him being a virgin, when we met and he said maybe.

This was the thing I was afraid of! Do you remember me telling you that we can’t work, because you’ll eventually want to try sex with other people? 

How would you feel, if I fucked some big dig guy against a wall?

Would you wear a condom?

Well, of course.

Would you still come home to me and fuck me too?

Well, yes.

What about a woman?

That wouldn’t be such a big deal.

Really? Because they have no cock?

It just wouldn’t be that big a deal.

All the memories of my last relationship wash over me. He said the same words, and look where it got me.

But I don’t want to fuck anyone else, I say. It’s true. I don’t. I would, if he would. And it would be no healthier than it ever was.

At this point I see no good in him fucking someone else. It only makes me feel really small.

What are you afraid of then? he asks. Funny I should have to justify that now.

I guess I’m afraid of losing you.

You won’t lose me. I’ll always be yours. And you’re mine. 

It just makes me think about all the things that are wrong with me.

There’s nothing wrong with you. 

I’ll just spank them and then fuck them a little.

You can’t fuck a little bit, you either fuck or you don’t. 

He gets hard and starts kissing me.

What would you do now, if I was someone else?

I’d do this, he says and turns me onto my stomach. Then he enters me and fucks me even when I’m not ready. He comes fairly quickly and although I kinda get into it in the end, I feel like shit when it’s over.

Now I have to get home to my wife, he says.

It’s the world’s most terrible joke and the world’s most terrible situation for it. I break into tears and he cuddles me, but is already nodding off.

We’ll talk tomorrow. I have to sleep, so I can talk with you tomorrow. 

Well, I can’t very well keep him awake, can I? But I keep myself awake, changing my mind every other minute. I feel like now I have to let him fuck other women. I feel like I have no choice. I feel like I’ve been played. I feel like he jumped to the fucking other people too quickly, when I was propositioning trying to find spanking or more serious d/s and pain play partners, maybe, if we both were comfortable with it.

I’ve been listening to other people, so I know I have things good with you, he says. You’re such a wild thing in bed. I won’t find anyone better than you, I’m sure.

Why do you want to do it then?

He doesn’t give me an answer. But he keeps smiling inward. Stab, stab, stab.

Why are you so sad? he asks, when tears roll down my face. I don’t really understand the question.

Because I take this seriosly. 

And I do. What devastating effect can careless words have. And they’re just words.

Standard

20 thoughts on “Sex With Someone Else

  1. Oh dear. This isn’t something I know anything much about. But, by saying you want to be spanked by someone else, you did not introduce the idea of having sex with someone else. I think spanking is pretty sexual to Wonderboy (as it is to me), given that he seems to think sex is just a bit further down that road, so I think your best bet is to explain how bad his proposal makes you feel and forget the outside spanking. But, like I said, I’m not speaking from a wealth of experience here. Best wishes to you!

  2. Thank you, Mousie. Once again you bring much needed calm and wisdom.

    My realisation was exactly the opposite from Wonderboy’s; that d/s for me is quite different from sex and not necesssarily even linked to it. Also, after just having faced the reality that I really do not want to have sex with anyone else, that this is *it* for me, for life, but that some things I could learn and get from only “spanking” that Wonderboy perhaps can’t give, his enthusiasm and the fact that he’d thought about sex with other women seriously was like a dagger through the heart. I felt like, if it’s something he wants and needs I have to give it to him. I felt not only did I not have say, but I had no choice.

    I understand the way WB thinks. It’s just hard for me to accept. Wanting sex with other people to me means emotional connection with them, one I can ill afford, if I want to stay with Wonderboy forever. I can’t erase the knowledge that this is something WB wants to experience. Pretty wildly enthusiasticly also! It didn’t help that he was extraordinaly unperceptive and didn’t connect with me at all during the sex that ensued the talk. Where did I go to? Also, him not taking into account that I voiced over and over again, how I didn’t want to fuck anyone else. Why would I want him to, if it wasn’t something I’d choose? For pure martyrdom, I suppose?

  3. Awww, honey. I’m sorry. I can imagine how much this sucks. I don’t personally have experience with this, but I think the important thing is just to keep talking. He reads this blog, right? And remember, there’s a huge difference between actions and desires. *Lots* of people (most people?) would like to have sex with people outside of the relationship – it says nothing about his love or desire for you. It’s what he does about these desires that counts.

    And I think you’re being hard on both yourself and WB. You brought something up and it caused him to bring something up that hurt you. But these things happen in relationships. Better to get it out in the open and deal with it than let it fester.

    … Not that it isn’t painful. :-/

  4. Actually, now that I think about it further, I don’t have any experience with nonsexual d/s play, but I can understand where Wonderboy might be coming from. I’ve never had sex with anyone I didn’t marry. Two women in total. And the idea of an open relationship was always quite appealing to me. Once, early in our marriage when it was going well, my ex confessed that in her previous relationship, she’d been tempted to suggest swapping with a particular other couple (REALLY cute woman), and I must have looked very enthusiastic because she emphasised that she was confessing not suggesting. It’s not allowed by my religion, but the idea is still very appealing. Very few people, I think especially guys, are naturally monogamous. It’s not something wrong with the partner at all, it’s just that people tend to want variety. (I see part of the job of a person in a monogamous relationship as doing their best to supply that variety.) No two people are the same, so trying it out sounds like fun.

    Also, the lack of jealousy from him doesn’t say anything bad about his perception of you. You play a possession, but you are a person, not a possession. You do not lose value if you spend time with someone else.

    I thought the idea was wonderful, but knowing how my wife felt about it I became very careful not to hint at it again or give her any grounds for jealousy, and I was totally faithful even though later in the relationship the sex became much too infrequent for me. So, the fact that he’s enthusiastic is NOT the beginning of the end.

    I think his actions must adapt to you here, that’s the way your vows went I presume. But, you need to understand that the appeal of outside sex isn’t because he sees anything wrong with you, and neither is the lack of jealousy.

  5. Wonderboy really should have known better than to jump straight into the idea of fucking other people! That’s a huge leap from just spanking, and and if it’s obvious to me as your blog reader that you’d be traumatized by the idea, it should damn sure have been obvious to him. But he did say it, so let me see if I can help you to process it a little.

    First of all: I completely understand that Wonderboy’s revelation feels like upheaval, maybe even betrayal. It probably feels to you as though he went from wanting only you to wanting other people, all in one instant. But this is not the case. Clearly he’s been interested in fucking other people for a while now, and only said something because he mistakenly thought you were open to the idea as well. Why should this be comforting? Because the two of you have always been completely monogamous. So clearly his desire for other people is not frightening and insatiable; it’s a small thing that he’s easily been able to put aside because he loves you. And if you choose, you can tell him to keep putting it aside. You can tell him not to bring the idea up again unless you do first (and I think you should tell him this; it would probably be good for you to let the relationship “go back to normal” for a while before you talk about both of your desires again. It will reassure you to realize that you can still be the same together as you were before that conversation).

    Secondly: you sound like someone who is oriented toward sexual monogamy. Therefore, you can’t help but feel that if Wonderboy wants to fuck other people, he must not really love you. But I promise you, it is possible to be madly in love with someone and yet sexually interested in others (as I’m discovering, myself…). Just as your interest in outside spankings doesn’t reflect on your feelings for Wonderboy, his interest in outside sex doesn’t necessarily reflect on his feelings for you. I’m not saying that you should open your relationship, by any means; you need to come to a relationship arrangement that you can both live with. What I’m saying is…if you feel in your gut that Wonderboy cherishes you more than anyone else in the world, then trust him when he says that sex with other people would just be meaningless fun. Have faith that his brain is genuinely wired that way, even if you can’t understand it.

    And I do believe that Wonderboy loves you. He loves you so much that he’s been monogamous to you even though he would like to screw other people. That demonstrates more devotion and commitment than if he were only sexually interested in you, not less. It also demonstrates that he has perfect control over himself and his desires. Once you understand this, I think Wonderboy’s interest in other people will seem a lot less scary.

    I know this is all a lot to get your head around. I hope I’ve been able to help give you a little perspective. (((hugs)))

  6. Also: whether you end up opening your relationship in some way or not, it’s good that you know what’s in his heart. Judging by how happy Wonderboy became when he thought he could talk about this stuff with you, it must have been bothering him to keep these thoughts to himself. Now (when you’re ready, of course) you two can discuss his desires honestly. And of course you can discuss your desires, too, since you were brave enough to realize and share your desire to be hit by other men.

    There will be hard parts, and there will be scary parts. But I think if you trust each other and try to hear each other’s thoughts and desires without judgment, you’ll end up closer than ever. 🙂

  7. God, I keep rereading your post and thinking of more things I need to say to you…

    I just want to be very clear to you that you do not “have” to let Wonderboy fuck other people. Perhaps you feel like that would be the only fair and equal thing to do: he gets the sex he wants in return for you getting the spankings you want. But this arrangement is not equal emotionally: Wonderboy doesn’t seem to mind if you get spanked, whereas you mind very much if he gets fucked. So, by that definition, this arrangement would not be fair (and really, do you think Wonderboy would be okay with hurting you that badly? I should hope that if you said “Yes, go ahead and sleep with other women” while sobbing uncontrollably, he would say “Ummmm…no thanks, I’m okay for now” and not grin and run out of the house to find someone!).

    You are under no obligation to let him sleep with anyone else, even though you discussed it and even though you asked for permission to get your own desires met. And anyway it’s not an all-or-nothing proposition! You can take baby steps; you can tell Wonderboy you’re willing only to let him spank other women, at first. Then if you become comfortable with that, you can decide to allow a kiss or two as well, and so on, and so on. Like getting into a hot bath slowly so your body can adjust. Going from total monogamy to actually fucking other people just seems ridiculous. If Minx and I had done that, my brain and heart would have fallen out onto the floor!

    This is not only Wonderboy’s marriage; it’s yours, too. You have full power to negotiate, to argue, to say no to things you cannot tolerate. Don’t forget that!

  8. P.s. the slash key on my keyboard doesn’t work, so every time I want to do an end-italics tag, I copy and paste a slash from somewhere else. Except apparently sometimes I forget. 😛

  9. Also, the lack of jealousy from him doesn’t say anything bad about his perception of you. You play a possession, but you are a person, not a possession. You do not lose value if you spend time with someone else.

    This is such a beautiful and perceptive thought, Mousie.

  10. Also, the lack of jealousy from him doesn’t say anything bad about his perception of you. You play a possession, but you are a person, not a possession. You do not lose value if you spend time with someone else.

    This is such a beautiful and perceptive thought, Mousie.

  11. Wonderboy really should have known better than to jump straight into the idea of fucking other people! That’s a huge leap from just spanking, and and if it’s obvious to me as your blog reader that you’d be traumatized by the idea, it should damn sure have been obvious to him.

    Thank you for this, PC. I’ve felt like I’m totally out of line, dramatising and getting all bent out of shape for nothing. Hey – I brought the thing up! I is somehow relieving to hear that it was maybe a little over eager from him to jump to conclusions about having sex with others.

    Because the two of you have always been completely monogamous. So clearly his desire for other people is not frightening and insatiable; it’s a small thing that he’s easily been able to put aside because he loves you.

    This helps. A point of view I didn’t have at 4 am last morning/night, when I decided to sleep in our walk in closet. I know, I know. A little dramatic, but I really felt absolutely dreadful.

    Just as your interest in outside spankings doesn’t reflect on your feelings for Wonderboy, his interest in outside sex doesn’t necessarily reflect on his feelings for you.

    Why do you have the perfect words for now? Yes. I’m always overlooking my own desires and doings and only worrying about WB’s, which he pointed out to me today…

  12. This is not only Wonderboy’s marriage; it’s yours, too. You have full power to negotiate, to argue, to say no to things you cannot tolerate. Don’t forget that!

    Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! And I have to take responsibility of also telling him how I feel. That I can’t handle him sleepin with other women, for now and maybe never.

    You are under no obligation to let him sleep with anyone else, even though you discussed it and even though you asked for permission to get your own desires met. And anyway it’s not an all-or-nothing proposition! You can take baby steps; you can tell Wonderboy you’re willing only to let him spank other women, at first.

    That’s what I thought I was offering. He so cought me off guard with his enthusiasm and plans. But we’ve talked again now, and things seem to be emotionally and physically going to a direction where we both will find most fulfillment.

  13. I wondered about that! I just thought you were so serious about all the things in italics. And fore the record, for me it seemed serious too. It still does.

  14. Thank you so much for your comments. They’ve helped me tremendously. You are good friends. Almost makes me weepy to have you there on my side – and also Wonderboy’s! I know he’s good, loves me, but I have these demons that descend upon me the minute I feel threatened and then I don’t believe in love anymore. I’m trying to get that fixed…

    You have all given me very wise and perceptive thoughts, and even though with most I agree, pretty much all of it was lost from me last night and today struggling with my feelings of inferiority and unlovedness. I feel a whole lot better with you there, and I also see that sometimes text really can share something deep and meaningful, because what happened tonight just goes to prove that you were all right about Wonderboy. Why can’t I trust him the way you do, sometimes? I get too scared.

  15. Why can’t I trust him the way you do, sometimes? I get too scared.

    It’s ok to feel betrayed – he may not have meant to hurt you, but he did. Just keep working through it and talking with him. Also, remember that our faith in him comes from what you’ve written about him. So you do have it in you. 🙂

  16. Sorry to hear this. I def understand where you’re coming from. It would break my heart, too. I’d feel like I “wasn’t enough” which I think is a fear of mine.

    Keep us updated on what happens. *hugs*

  17. Why do I feel like crying? I don’t want to have sex with anyone else. Why is it so hard to face that he does? It shouldn’t be a surprise, if you think about the tropes we’re grown up with. Men always want to fuck everyone. Men are insatiable, etc.

    I’m in an open relationship, and in our relationship it’s my husband who doesn’t have a strong desire for variety. That surprised me, because I was raised with the same tropes you reference here. Another thing that surprised me was that he was stung that I wasn’t *more* jealous and possessive — when he realized it was okay with me if he slept with other people, he was sad. We often take jealousy or possessiveness as markers of how much we care about someone. They’re not; I love him more than anyone in the world and can’t imagine loving anyone the way I love him.

    Many people I talk to about nonmonogamy say that they’re scared they’ll lose their partners, but I think many are also worried about not being able to be proud of themselves and their relationship. They know that not everybody will respect them and their relationship choices if they are in a relationship where their partner has partners other than them. If you’re going to be happy in nonmonogamy, your relationship should make you feel good about yourselves and each other. But there’s more than one way to do that, of course, and nonmonogamy does not have to equal disrespect (and should not equal disrespect).

    I feel like now I have to let him fuck other women. I feel like I have no choice.

    This isn’t true. And you should be very honest about how you feel. Unpacking how you feel and being very specific and concrete about it; your partner can’t act on it if it’s not concrete. It also has to be accurate; if you say you’re scared, but what you really are is sad or feel belittled by the arrangement, your partner won’t be able to make changes to make you happy in the relationship.

    And that’s the bottom line: you deserve a shot at being happy.

  18. Hey Lily, somehow I hadn’t noticed your comment before! (Probably all the tears…) Thanks for the great insight!

    I don’t know, if my problem with nonmonogamy is the way my relationship seems to others so much that it’s about emotional exclusivity. I really need to be his only one. Sex for me is such a emotional affair, and I know it is to him too. He has after all been the one to scoup me out of my shell and demand I share sex with him. That I make love to him. That I surrender.

    I couldn’t do that, if there were others. I couldn’t trust him the way I do now. I would only see things through his eyes, my perception of it, and feel worthless.

    I think nonmonogamy can work for people who don’t have such big issues with feeling safe, trusting and surrendering.

    I think you’re right about addressing the feelings right. It’s the most important thing in honest communication. But sometimes it takes a while for me to gather my thoughts and feelings.

    Funny thing is Wonderboy’s actually confessed to being real jealous. He just trusts me. And I’ve been trustworthy too. I think he just couldn’t imagine the scenario in the situation. I think it would mess him up, but he just doesn’t know it, because he’s never been there. But I’ve done it before and I wouldn’t try it again – having permission to fuck with someone and have it turn into betrayal later.

  19. Pingback: Not really what I was looking for | Past the Hurt

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