Sorry to have kept you in suspence such a long day. I want to start with saying that things totally turned around tonight, yet again. Wonderboy went to bed with new found self-esteem and I’m here, deliriously happy, writing to you guys. You’ve all been tremendously helpful and my life is so much better, when I have you there. I mean it.
Well. Back to my So Called Life.
The dramatic revelation that Wonderboy would like to have sex with unidentified females of our species (See, how I’m not at all bothered by it anymore… Rowr!) sent me first to sleep on the couch, then the other room (our so called cigar room) and then finally, I hesitate to tell you this, to the walk-in closet. Yes. I actually slept in the closet the few hours of sleep I got between 4 and 6 before Wonderboy went to work.
Are you out of the closet now? Wonderboy asked me today, and you know what? I think I am.
It was an awful day. I spent it crying, devastated. I took a sleeping pill and slept through the day with the little help. We had a messaging conversation going on the whole day in which Wonderboy was loving and wise and I was devastated and fatalistic. I’m really good at that.
Finally Wonderboy reacted and texted me saying, Listen, you’re the one who has had this experience with a guy, who wants to be spanked by someone else and has already talked about it with someone else, who has a profile on Fetlife and is thinking of going to a munch. I just said I’d be curious about having sex with other women. I have no plan or experiences.
I was like. Yeah. True. I’m the one, who has been skating in the border of our agreement. Even though I didn’t do anything, I still skated. There’s no denying that. And I also was the one who brought opening our relationship up. I did it. Why do I only blame him?
Me: It’s just world’s away from what I proposed. I feel like I’ve been labouring under a wrong impression. If you want to fuck other women, it’s something I hadn’t expected, because I’m happy and content with just us.
WB: If it makes you feel bad, let’s just forget it! You are my love, don’t worry.
I came home, he came home. To skip to the juicy bits, we were lying in bed as always. I had a double wall of duvet between us, and he was trying to hug me with no success. What’s wrong? he asked very innocently, loving, worried.
Suddenly I had words. They flew out of my mouth. I talked about, how I never meant to suggest having sex with other people. How it made me feel bad about myself and lost somehow.
I just realized that I need more, something more d/s, when I was with mister M. I didn’t want him, I didn’t want to have sex with him, but he made me realize there was something missing.
You know, when I’ve tried to make you make me do the dishes or something? It’s not like it has to be spanking, that was just the easiest thing to explain. I think I need more of that. Like, spanking without any sex. I feel like it’s not necessarily always about sex for me. You know, how I’ve sometimes asked you not to touch my cunt, when you’ve spanked me? I crave it differently. And you haven’t been wanting to do that. I’ve felt that maybe it’s not something you like since I’ve asked, and nothing’s happened. It’s also so embarassing. It’s just something so silly. Something not sexual. So pervy, I can hardly say it.
It doesn’t even have to be with someone else. I just need more. More d/s.
I started to cry and he just smiled at me, took me to his arms and cradled me. I didn’t know what it meant yet, but I was about to find out later on.
I can understand that, he said.
Maybe it was also easier picturing it with someone I don’t know, I confess. Because I’m so humiliated by wanting it.
He cradles me. I don’t know, if he’s thinking I will have to get someone else to fill the gap or not.
He says then that he is just curious about sex with other people, since he’s never had any – wouldn’t you be? I agree and then let him know that I just can’t face him trying things out. I say that this is what I was afraid of from the start and that he had made an informed decision when he got into a relationship with me. Other people were never on the table. I also add that sex can be so meaningless that it hardly seems worthwile for all of my suffering for it.
I also say that I’d fall in love, if I had sex with people other than him, people I like, and that it wouldn’t do us any good. Especially I thought about my friend K, and told him so (incidently the first person, who came to mind, when we talked about opening up).
But if you only did it once? he asked.
It wouldn’t work like that. I couldn’t stop myself, if I had been allowed there once.
What about, if I ordered you to? If I was there?
God, it was such a hot thought. It still lingers in my brain. Me, Wonderboy and my friend K. Maybe, maybe one day it could be possible. But to avoid more confusion and drama, I said nothing about that.
It would be undeniably hot, I said. But I couldn’t handle the same from you. He smiled gently and caressed my face. He took it in with calmness. Didn’t seem he was losing that much.
You’ve been so good with that, I say to him when he rolls on top of me, hugging me and kissing me. I mean with me and K’s history and the fact that he’s never once doubted me about it now.
I’m good with sex things, he says and I have to agree.
But would that be the end of the world, if you can’t fuck anyone else? I ask, kind of worried.
Nah, he said.
So, then we don’t do it? he asked.
What is our agreement now? he added.
I guess the same as always, I said. No kissing… I didn’t have to finish.
But you would want a little spanking? he asked.
Maybe. If it was okay with us both and the person was allright.
And, for me, to spank someone a little too…
That could be nice, he smiled. And then he hugged me really tight.
He smiles secretively so I ask. What about?
I’m just thinking about what I could make you do around here, he says. The dishes for example. My heart skips a beat. And the vacuuming, he adds looking around.
It’s your turn to vacuum! It doesn’t work like that! I exclaim.
Well, the dishes then. You will do them. Naked. And in high heels.
My cunt likes the idea. That would be wonderful, I smile and bury my face against his neck.
I’d need you to command me and inspect upon me, too, though, I say then, worried that he’d just leave me to do his bidding.It’s not enough, if you only give me tasks or commands.
I need you to care.
What about… feminism? he asks. Wouldn’t you feel weird and unegalitarian living with 24/7 d/s like that? Wouldn’t you feel abused having to do so much housework.
Well, we’d say when it starts and is over, right? We’d decide. A collar would help. I’d only be your slave, when it’s on.
I want us to get a real whip, I blurt suddenly, extaticly. And a collar. I want a collar, so I know who I belong to.
I’ll be the one deciding about that, he exclaims and makes me inhale with excitement. His tone of voice is different. Dangerous. Low.
Now I’m going to go play some guitar and drink some wine. And you’re going to put those heels on and go do the dishes. Now. And when you’re done, I’ll come and inspect everything. You’d better be done before I am. Then you can come and massage my feet when I play. Or just kneel near them.
I stagger up from the bed and put on the black patent pumps.
Go on then, I haven’t got the whole day, he commands. Go find my glass and pour me some wine while your at it.
My heart sings, and I go.
To be continued…
(Sorry to leave you hanging, but I gotta sleep some before I go any further! Also, sorry for any discontinuities. 4 hours of sleep is getting to me. The closet is not the best place to be. Just saying.)