BDSM, Coming out, Learning to negotiate, Love, Outside the Bedroom, Unanticipated Satisfaction, What Women Really Want, Wonderboy

Owned (The Slave Talk II)

Once I would’ve thought this web page called Taken in Hand was nothing more than some deluded wanker’s fantasy. I have changed thoroughly in the few days after The Slave Talk, and although I realize this has been brewing below the surface a long while, the change is still like a giant hand that dropped me suddenly through the rabbit hole. Taken in Hand has this to say about male lead relationships, and unlike before, I relate to it with my whole heart and soul.

Some women want and need to be brought into subjection. They crave the man’s control and respond positively to active control, but without active control on his part submission is impossible. These women cannot fake submission; it must be real. It cannot be a pretence, a role-playing game or a lifeless cardboard cut-out imitation. It must be from the heart and soul, no hint of artificiality, acting or mendacity. But when a man brings such a woman into subjection and thereby releases her delitescent submissiveness, the power and reality and unforced naturalness of her submission can be awe-inspiring.

I ask Wonderboy, does he like it, when I do what he commands.

Yes, he answers.

Then comes the harder question, I grimace and face down before I can utter it. Do you also like it outside the bedroom?

Yes, he answers. My cunt pulses, my heart heaves with a sudden owerwhelming feeling.

It is not him, who is making me do something. I ask him to make me do something. Everything. He’s taken to it a lot better now that I don’t really have any objections anymore. I don’t feel abused, because I now realize this is exactly what I want.

It cannot be pretended, it has to be real. Dear physics where I’ve come to. I used to be such a progressive feminist. I’m kidding, I still am. And now I have to face that in an egalitarian relationship I can give away some of my power, if I want to. I can surrender and it doesn’t make me a bad woman. It doesn’t make me a traitor to the subject of women’s libearation. I am not advocating anything – well, except for one thing.

Women have a right to whatever they desire. That’s feminism. That’s equality. That makes happy both women and men.

I know I’m not the only one, and it helps some that there’s someone pretty close who is also tackling the same need, and isn’t all too thrilled about what it seems to represent. Feministsub, who provided me with the link to Taken in Hand, has also written about a similar revelation. Go check it out too. There are as many experiences as there are women who want this or something to the effect. It used to be so hard to know what I want. I know now. This is like a door’s been opened in me. Happiness flows through my whole body warming my muscles and cradling my heart, when I think about this.

It’s not enough for me to be dominated in bed. I want to be held in hand. What a beautiful way to say it. I need to feel taken care of in a most intense kind of way. I want to surrender control, slowly and step by step, to my husband. I don’t yet know what that entails. I’m not ready for a lot of it, and some of it might never be willing to explore. (Him fucking other women would probably be a thing like that.)

But even financial autonomy seems a possible token for surrender now. Yes, this freaks me out too, so you don’t have to jump on my throat for saying it out loud. I made a small test while we had guests yesterday. I left my wallet at home. I never do that. Correction, I’ve never done that. I’m determinedly equal about paying, even so that I’ve ended up treating a lot more than my partner. I felt so loved that I probably never have. I don’t actually know, if Wonderboy realized why I did it, but I have a hunch that maybe he did. Because he owns me.

Once I got the words out of my mouth, he stepped to the plate without hesitation. This is what happened after The Slave Talk.

I did the dishes naked in high heels. You know what I felt? I felt content, exhilarated, pleased, being cared for, being loved… and I felt dominated. I was in a sub state of mind (cue old jazz here) and it felt weirdly right. He drank wine and played guitar in the other room and I rushed the dishes, but I was paying more attention to detail and the cleanliness of the kitchen than usual. I needed everything to be perfect, because… I was scared of him? No, not quite. I wanted to please him so bad.

When I was ready, I stayed in the doorway of the music room and said I was ready. He commanded me to kneel in front of him on the carpet and wait once he’s finished. He’d go to check on my work, when he was good and ready. Gowd, I ate that up and stumbled in front of him in those heels I can barely walk in, probably with eyes like saucers. He’s were too. He wasn’t indiffirent, his breath was tense, but he was making me wait.

Finally he went to the kitchen and stepped on water that had escaped from the sink. I honestly breathed in loudly, when I saw it. His irritation was palpable when he commanded me back in the kitchen, and he didn’t stand aside while I wiped the floor naked, but stood there watching me grovel at his feet. I did it as well as I could. He opened his fly and took out his cock. It was already hard as rock, which made my heart jump, and he put it straight to my throat only to move my head aggressively against it from the base of my skull.

He then after a while of choking on his cock commanded me to the bedroom. I don’t remember the spesifics, but I got a permision to go to the bathroom. Maybe this was making me nervious, but I most certainly needed to pee before this hard, commanding presence did whatever he meant to do to me.

Okay, so I was on the bed, he was on the bed. There was this huge electric current between us I’d never felt before. He handled me with assertive hands, but I don’t actually remember how we fucked. In the end he was thrusting in me from behind and he kept talking me through it. It was… intense. He was so sure of himself that he made me completely submit without the slightest hesitation.

Moan like a porn actress, he commanded me, and I did. I looked back at him, threw my hair and moaned, sighed and did all the nasty implausible things the women in porn do to fake enthusiasm and pleasure. And I could feel him getting harder and harder, his voice stumbling over words with big gulps of air and saliva.

Later he tells me that he got off on it, because it sounded so fake. His twisted desire was to make me fake pleasure for him, because, really, what could be more humiliating and degrading? What could prove his ownership over me more piercingly? He did a lot of things to me, all of which felt new although most of them were familiar. He came violently, but like recently I didn’t, so he decided to lick me teasing me and denying my right to come. I did, though, but he gave me a permission well before. Today he didn’t.

The days after that have been full of negotiating, revealing new things and fucking – but also talking about emotions. This is not something you can do lightly, or when you’re tired. And that became the next problem.

After we’d had the scene and the sex and everything was eerily extatic, we talked about it. Him owning me.

I’d never thought I’d say this, but… Wonderboy’s going to buy me a collar. A nice, necklace like black collar with maybe a small cross on it. He will put it on me and then it will be his decision. I’ll be owned in no uncertain terms.

I can’t wait.

I’m so out of the closet, I can’t talk to any of my friends or family anymore of what’s happening with me. Why am I so happy, content and extatic? Because I’m owned, goddammit! I’m owned.

This I wrote on Feministsub’s blog,

This is a good thing! I feel such freedom and peace of mind. Everything I’ve had such a hard time voicing, everything I’ve been so torn about, all the things that just didn’t make sense, all the needs and desires I couldn’t get met whatever I suggested or whatever Wonderboy did. They are all here in me being owned by him.

It makes my heart sing.

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13 thoughts on “Owned (The Slave Talk II)

  1. There are two days that will always stick out in my mind as the greatest days of my life. The first is becoming a father (actually, that’s two separate days…but the experience was the same). The second is when Mistress Delila put a collar on my neck.

    There is great peace in accepting one’s self as they really are. Our brains are full of rules about what we are supposed to want. But the heart wants what the heart wants. And when the heart gets what it wants, it floods the soul with sunshine.

  2. Yay! This is so great. How wonderful that you were able to state your needs and that this is bringing the two of you closer together.

    I’m also glad you like the Taken In Hand site. It’s a bit reactionary in places but some of the stuff on there is just right on the money for me. It’s funny, I actually did find it years ago and I totally turned my nose up at it, thinking it was horribly misogynistic. Well, I’ve changed. 🙂 (I do still wish it weren’t so hetero- and maledom-centric…)

    You know, it’s funny, ever since I wrote my post, I’ve felt really happy and peaceful too (but excited at the same time), even though I still don’t have a partner. There’s something really happy-making about being honest with yourself about what you want.

    Oh, and I just have to say … your account of what happened after the slave talk – oh wow, so hot.

  3. Oh, Tomio.

    There is great peace in accepting one’s self as they really are. Our brains are full of rules about what we are supposed to want. But the heart wants what the heart wants. And when the heart gets what it wants, it floods the soul with sunshine.

    This is exactly how I feel. After so many years of being lost I’ve found my peace. It’s priceless. I am only now starting to fathom how much bad those rules can cause, when you aren’t what they count as *normal* either sexuality or gender wise.

    For a moment here I have stopped battling with myself. I don’t know how to describe this to someone who isn’t at odds with themselves.

    Also, I’m hoping I get to experience that other feeling as well.

  4. Thank you, Mousie! I know it’s hard to understand… I didn’t use to and I’m into it! That’s how hard it is to accept. I’m happy, though, that you can still be happy for me and not condemn this.

  5. Feministsub,

    Yeah, I haven’t read the whole site yet, just “rape is a gift” and “subjucation of women”. Everything said in those, though, rang a bell. It’s almost funny, how they feel the need to be so descriptive about *why’s* when I’m like I know I know! But heh, obviously you have to have some kind of disclaimer when talking about a thing that seems abusive, if you don’t know how it’s arranged.

    I still want to make one thing clear. I noticed in your post you though it wouldn’t be egalitarian, if power was divided this way. Althought the porn would make us believe that surrendering is something the woman (especially in M/f situations) does out of being forcefully dominated… But I choose this. I enthusiasticly choose this. Of course I have limits. I am not surrendering everything to Wonderboy’s will, not all he even understands as I do. But surrendering even this much means I have to make him understands. The discussions we’ve had have really shown a light to places that we haven’t tried to tackle before. Dark places, or so we thought, places we could never ask the other one to go to. And then we could, but only by being brutally honest, listening and being very, very gentle and loving. I’ll write a post about it, when I have the time, but that’s why I needed to make the list of loving things to Wonderboy. So, I don’t get too scared.

    Incidently, I just *read* this comic, For Sale, and absolutely embraced the fact that it starts with the “mandatory” this is all consensual and I am over 18 speech. Even in a comic! This I think would be great to incorporate in any BDSM porn (or any porn for that matter). Yeah, it’s hotter, if the viewer can think it’s real, but it’s also way more disturbing after you’ve come.

  6. I still want to make one thing clear. I noticed in your post you though it wouldn’t be egalitarian, if power was divided this way. Althought the porn would make us believe that surrendering is something the woman (especially in M/f situations) does out of being forcefully dominated… But I choose this. I enthusiasticly choose this. Of course I have limits. I am not surrendering everything to Wonderboy’s will, not all he even understands as I do.

    Hm. I feel like I probably didn’t make myself as clear as I would have liked to with the egalitarianism thing. I definitely don’t think it has to or should be like porn, where the sub submits totally and by force. I do think that entering as equals, and making sure both people feel equally valued and heard, is important to me and probably most other D/s couples.

    However, I do think that, for instance, when you say that one person makes the decisions in a certain area of the relationship, even both people really, really want that, and if the decision-maker takes the other person’s needs and limits into account – well, there’s a level where that’s not *exactly* equal. And I guess I was saying that I think that’s ok – what’s really important is that both partners are happy and feel loved and cared for. Which is clearly the case with you and WB.

    Actually, I think Tomio put it best in this comments: http://afeministsub.wordpress.com/2011/08/25/the-equality-question/#comment-174

  7. FB,

    No, no. You were probably all clear and proper. It’s just my defence mechanism kicking in, I’d assume. I read Tomio’s comment then too and it just didn’t make sense to me at the time. But now it did.

    This is going to take a looooong time. 🙂

  8. jnakabb says:

    Wow

    Such great results (and lots of talking to reach this stage). Have fun exploring and defining your new roles.

  9. Pingback: About Equality And The Hotness Of Letting It Go | Past the Hurt

  10. Jnakabb, thanks! Oh yeah, a looot of talking. And it’s all still so new and just a few little things are certain. Or should I say – the big things are certain, but little things are not. Either way, there’s nothing quite like this.

  11. His twisted desire was to make me fake pleasure for him, because, really, what could be more humiliating and degrading?

    Ohhhhh my god. I’m going to do this to Minx! Fuck his ass hard enough to plow his face into the mattress while making him moan and scream like a porn star. Why didn’t I think of this before?! Wonderboy is a genius!

    I can’t really relate to the 24/7 dynamic, but it’s obviously making both of you very happy and that’s wonderful to see! 🙂

  12. PC,

    Ha! I told Wonderboy you said that and he was all smile and barking laughters. You should form a community for tips for doms. Or something. 🙂

    Yeah. It’s not really 24/7, but something different than it used to be. Or it’s not 24/7 – yet. I don’t know. But I’m happy it’s not (just) my decision. ❤

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