My sister’s been texting me. She’s 3 cm dilated, in pain, but the labour hasn’t begun yet. She’s still home, but can’t really think about anything else. The pain is so severe. I tried to coach her on and give her strenght.
Today my other sister said something optimistic about his boyfriend having to knock her up real soon. She had told some people that she has family plans, when they asked her about something or the other about next year. They have been trying I think for a month or two now. Her comments are becoming more and more unbearable. I remember being that optimistic. Maybe she even has a reason to. That’s what hurts.
Suddenly I felt sad. Suddenly I thought about all the things I might have to live without. I thought about the void in our future. I though about death and how final it is, if there’s no one left behind.
Today I heard that the bead in my friend’s breast was not cancer. She’s a few years older than me and isn’t in a relationship and I think she wants a family some day.
Today there was some blood on the toilet paper. Just enough of pinching in my stomach and a dryness when I masturbated that I knew. My period. I have to contact the hospital to make an appointment. I have to go there to face the inevitable pain of the angiography. But that’s not what I’m afraid of.
What if they find nothing? What if it’s never going to happen for me and I never find out why?
Today I told Wonderboy I was scared and sad, and he just said that Everyone’s going to have a lot of babies. Everything will be fine.
Today I felt a little sad. It’s just labour pain. It’ll go away.