Hurting, Love, Passing Woman, Pregnancy

Labour Pain

My sister’s been texting me. She’s 3 cm dilated, in pain, but the labour hasn’t begun yet. She’s still home, but can’t really think about anything else. The pain is so severe. I tried to coach her on and give her strenght.

Today my other sister said something optimistic about his boyfriend having to knock her up real soon. She had told some people that she has family plans, when they asked her about something or the other about next year. They have been trying I think for a month or two now. Her comments are becoming more and more unbearable. I remember being that optimistic. Maybe she even has a reason to. That’s what hurts.

Suddenly I felt sad. Suddenly I thought about all the things I might have to live without. I thought about the void in our future. I though about death and how final it is, if there’s no one left behind.

Today I heard that the bead in my friend’s breast was not cancer. She’s a few years older than me and isn’t in a relationship and I think she wants a family some day.

Today there was some blood on the toilet paper. Just enough of pinching in my stomach and a dryness when I masturbated that I knew. My period. I have to contact the hospital to make an appointment. I have to go there to face the inevitable pain of the angiography. But that’s not what I’m afraid of.

What if they find nothing? What if it’s never going to happen for me and I never find out why?

Today I told Wonderboy I was scared and sad, and he just said that Everyone’s going to have a lot of babies. Everything will be fine. 

Today I felt a little sad. It’s just labour pain. It’ll go away.

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4 thoughts on “Labour Pain

  1. Hon, I’m sorry. This does suck.

    Today I told Wonderboy I was scared and sad, and he just said that Everyone’s going to have a lot of babies. Everything will be fine.

    He’s right. Not that you don’t get to be sad and scared, but you two will find a way. First, you have each other and your lovely close intimacy and connection. So there’s that. Then, there are so many options even in the worst case scenario. And then – you’re both still so young! You have so many years for this.

    I’m going to be all woo-woo here for a second, but maybe this frustrating time has been a blessing? It’s brought the two of you so much closer in a way that might not have happened if you were focused on pregnancy and motherhood. Maybe this closeness will make you better partners once you do become parents. And from everything I’ve seen, that is the most important thing in getting ready for parenthood – having a strong partnership.

  2. I’m going to be all woo-woo here for a second, but maybe this frustrating time has been a blessing? It’s brought the two of you so much closer in a way that might not have happened if you were focused on pregnancy and motherhood. Maybe this closeness will make you better partners once you do become parents. And from everything I’ve seen, that is the most important thing in getting ready for parenthood – having a strong partnership.

    Thank you for these words. Most of the time I do feel like this. I truly feel it’s a blessing that I was granted this time to be alone with Wonderboy still. That we got to experience and try out a lot of things I wouldn’t have been able to with a small child. That I’m not yet in the mother’s role, so smothering in some ways, and can see more clearly which way I want to be smothered. ( ::) )

    But then other people get happy news or talk to me in a way that suggests that everything’s fine and my pain doesn’t have to be taken into account and it is too much to handle. Because there is no certainty. I can live with this as long as it’s just my personal pain, but when I have to compare to others. How fast they get pregnant, how happy and optimistic they are… It just breaks my heart.

  3. I know. I’m always hesitant to offer silver lining advice for this reason, because sometimes you just need people to acknowledge your pain, dammit, instead of having to count your blessings.

  4. Femsub,

    This time it felt good, though. But my sister, for example, seems to just ignore the situation and keeps making happy baby hints for us both. It feels so wrong. I have to talk to her about it. (And what’s more scary than that!)

    It’s like with cancer. If someone has it, they don’t always want to hear that you’ll be fine, because that makes it impossible for them to share the pain of facing their own mortality. But for some people that’s just too much to handle.

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