Passing Woman, Pregnancy, Self-Questioning

Fight in Broad Daylight

Tonight a major blow out with my big sister happened while we were trying to have a nice dinner in a restaurant. I’ve never been in a situation like that before.There were strong words, both of our husbands left, and then we cried.

The crying was good.

The strong words were probably unavoidable at this point.

Husbands saved themselves, which was good, and I apologised to Wonderboy, when I got home.

She just couldn’t understand how suffering from reproductive challenges affects all aspects of life and kept quite aggressively demanding explanation. But nothing was good enough for her.

We weren’t in a place where I could honestly talk about my feelings. We haven’t been. I’ve been shielding myself from her by avoiding contact and obviously she’s noticed. It has just seemed that every time I try, she ends up making me feel worse. That she can’t understand how I feel and somehow brushes it aside.

She asked me, why is it so hard for me to see our sister Faith.

I couldn’t believe that she’d have to ask.

Because it hurts so much. Because she has kids and I might never have any, I said. It’s so simple. How can she not have seen it? How can it be that she doesn’t understand?

But she didn’t.

And only when she saw me there in a restaurant table crying helplessly, because she made me, could she understand how much this means to me.

And I thought I was doing real fine!

The good thing is… now she knows. Even if she can’t understand. She knows. There can’t be any doubt in her mind. So there was a good end to it all.

I just don’t understand, how it can be so hard for her to understand. Why she would corner me in such a way, demand satisfaction immediately?

I barely touched my fancy food. I knew it would be hard on her, because I said she wasn’t welcome to join us tomorrow, when Faith comes to visit me. I said it nicely though. There’s just too much to handle, too much to try to mend and gently put right between me and Faith and the little man, who has become such a symbol of her fertility and my… inability. I explained this to Hope and she did understand in the end. But not before I hade to bare my soul.

I liked the outcome, but I don’t exactly approve of the way she did it. How she had to have answers right away and could give no empathy before I was crying and devastated.

I don’t know.

I could’ve just said no and held my tongue and my thoughts and feelings to myself. But I didn’t. I don’t know how I feel about that.

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4 thoughts on “Fight in Broad Daylight

  1. Thank you both for your empathy. We visited the same place today with Faith and the little man and I got to apologise to the waitress too. She was wonderful, smiled so symphateticly and said it’s good you got things sorted out. Nothing generic like “we appreciate your business” but real thoughtful words. She must have overheard everything and feel actually real sympathy for me and my tragedy. Funny enough I didn’t feel bad that she knows, just thankful for her kindness.

    Also, today was a breakthrough with the little man we call Marcello. I sang to him when he got tummy aches and he listened and was mesmerized by my singing to him. I felt connected with him for the first time, and didn’t think about anything other than it’s a Him now, a real person, a little tiny boy who will grow up to be a wonderful man. And I get to be there for him. Awesome.

  2. Pingback: The Secret Confessions of an Infertile Woman | Past the Hurt

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