I’ve been having problems with feeling satisfied. I mostly have an orgasm when we make love. If it doesn’t happen during intercourse, which is my favourite, Wonderboy goes down on me. On wednesday he even tied my hands and slapped my inner thighs whilst doing it because I’d been voicing my unhappiness.
Still, I feel like I’m facing a wall. When I said I wasn’t getting what I needed, and that it doesn’t work for us to always do exactly what he wants to with no regard to my physical discomfort or arousal, he just turned his back on me. And he said,
That is really saddening to hear. I can’t do anything right.
He said it in such a resoluted voice that I felt that he gave up. Gave up on trying, gave up on the conversation and mostly I guess gave up on trying to make me feel better.
I burst into tears. I already felt like shit. I’d been having unsatisfying and sometimes very painful or just uncomfortable and just plain not working sex, even though I mostly came. I wasn’t getting what I needed emotionally. He had been having great d/s sex. You could see why he would feel a little taken aback?
He had gone back to doing all the things we had many times previously found to not work for me… unless I’m ovulating in which case all bets are off.
He caressed me, held me and told me we would have this conversation tomorrow, when we were both feeling better.
If you’re still feeling bad then, we will talk, he said.
I obliged, I even felt a little relieved and happy that he has taken his place like this in most of the situations in our life now. He told me that we would have the conversation later. It made me content. It made me even a little happy. I could trust him to hold the pieces together even while tired and cranky.
But when he fell asleep, I couldn’t. I was angry and frustrated. I went finally to sleep in the other room after tossing and turning for two hours. I slept.
Yestreday night he came home, hugged me and commented how lost and fragile I looked. He likes it, and he can’t help showing it. When I’m fragile. He said he exactly what to do with a little mopy thing like me, and he said it gently.
We then talked, while he was making dinner for himself. I just sat on the table exhausted from the day and the night. I had taken the first hormones of this cycle that morning and had felt nausea and dizziness all day.
Okay, so tell me, he commanded while chopping things and throwing rice in the boiling water. I felt vulnerable in a situation like that, but I did. He had ordered me.
Well, I think the sex discussion was left unfinished, I said.
And then I explained, how some things only work, when I’m ovulating. That they make me feel really crabby, because they’re not nearly enough and they even feel a little painful or unpleasent.
But the problem is I want you to do those things, if you want to. I want to be used by any way you want. It’s just not very satisfying to me except in the brief moments when you make it evident you’re doing it against my will. This is why it has been so hard on me to pinpoint what you could do differently.
But you’ve come almost every time! And I made you come, if you didn’t.
I know, it just might still feel unsatisfying to me, even if I come. (Wow, does that make sense to anyone? I can’t believe Wonderboy didn’t even so much as bat an eyelid.)
But I have been fucking you in the same way for a longer time, he says, a thing I’d requested earlier to get off. And I’ve been strangling you and hurting you…
I love that! You’ve done many wonderful things. It’s just that… I trail off.
What do you want then? he asks in a gentle voice, no resentment or fear in it.
It’s just hard to know, and that’s why I haven’t said anything. Because I don’t want you… going down on me or touching my pussy. I don’t get off on that. (Here we go again! Yeah, foreplay? That’s when I go down on him. I mean, that’s foreplay for me. Buuut… it’s not enough when I’m not ovulating. So what is?)
I want you to caress me. Gently. I want you to touch me a lot before sex. I want you to torture me gently too.
Dominating gently is nice too, he answers, sometimes.
And then he said it. The thing I hadn’t realized.
It’s just hard to know that things have changed. Because nothing changes for me. I guess I was still in the earlier week’s mode, fucking your brains out and didn’t notice you had changed.
Yeah, how could he know that everything has changed? I mean he could take a guess. He could. But I could also tell him. Because he isn’t ovulating. He isn’t not ovulating either. He doesn’t change, it’s not in his body, just like the loss of a child is not in his body.
So I got it. I have to tell him, when I need more gentleness and more attention.
We went to bed and hugged and kissed some.
I want an orgasm, I said bluntly but nicely too. Now the unsatifying things had been delt with I was in a real need of an orgasm.
Would you like me to lick you? he asked and blew his nose.
Well… Of course, but… Aren’t you too sick to it? Wouldn’t it make you feel bad?
Yeah, I am.
So why did you offer? You don’t have to lick me you know?
Beah? he says and blows his nose again.
Remember that time when you just ordered me to play and watched?
Of course he remembered.
Maybe you could touch me a little too.
And he did. Gently caressed my nipples, torturet them with pinches and screws, held my neck, caressed my hair, my tummy. I played with my clit. I could feel the warmth of his growing cock against my outer thigh. My other leg was in his lap whilw we lay next to each other. He kept kissing me and watching me play.
I came howling a long ragged howl.
He said he had got turned on too and asked me to kiss his cock goodnight. I did, and also licked and sucked it at the same time. I’ve been practicing and I can do that now! He groaned and moaned and commended me and held my hair. And the said, that’s enough.
I’m sorry. I thought that’s what you meant when you said kiss it good night, I said.
No, it was wonderful, you are so good at it now it feels amazing. But I can enjoy it even when I know I’m not going to be able to go through with it.
Okay, I sighed from happiness and curled under his arms.
I love you, I said.
I love you too, he answered and my heart skipped and my pussy pulsed. That’s what happens when you know the one you love loves you right back.