BDSM, Coming out, Feminist musings, Gender stereotypes, Hyper-Sexual, Volatile bodies, What Women Really Want

Orgasm And The Way Gender Performance Screwed It Up For Us

It’s so long ago it seems like a dream, but there was a time, when I thought I just couldn’t orgasm from sex (of any kind). The men I had sex with had no idea how to pleasure me and most of them hardly tried. It didn’t matter though, because the most important ingredient was missing – BDSM. Clarisse Thorn has written an honest and brutal account of not being able to achieve orgasm, ever, and how it’s affected her, her relationships and her view of the world. She also writes a lot about the reasons behind it, and most of them seem to be entwinded with performing our gender and sexuality as expected.

She has an excellent list of study questions that I’m about to dig in to, because there was once a time I had serious discussions with my friend about possibly not being able to achieve orgasm, ever, during intercourse or even with another person. Because I really didn’t know they could not be the same thing. I was able to reach orgasm by myself, so I had a pretty good idea what worked for me. I just wasn’t able to communicate any of that and kept trying to fill my role as the Woman in the heterosexual equation. My experiences with women, on the other hand, were orgasmic abound, but I didn’t connect that with sexuality for a long time, because there was no intercourse and it was so forbidden to be drawn to the same sex I had to repress all of it.

1) What questions do you have about your orgasm?

It’s funny. I’m known as the orgasm machine around my friends and family. Just because, I guess, I can orgasm from intercourse alone. I can pretty much orgasm from anything that fulfills some kink of mine or is used in a play that does: ass fuck, biting my ear or my neck, slapping my face or my butt etc. Sometimes.

But other times.

My problem is that sometimes the orgasm I have from not clitoral stimulation are mind blowing and satisfactory. Other times they aren’t as much. My partner really can’t tell the difference, if I don’t voice it. I usually don’t. And here’s why: It seems too arbitrary. Why am I suddenly just going through the motions, but not feeling satisfaction? I mean my body builds to an orgasm and eases up straight after just like any other time. The difference is really, if nothing more, emotional.

When I pleasure myself I always mostly play with my clitoris. It’s pretty straightforward, just a little movement of finger or a vibrator jammed up there against my clit and my fallback fantasies of men and their stepdaughters or sons in the air of non-consent. I just never felt comfortable doing my clit teasing with men. It wasn’t expected, I was supposed to have enough without it, and once when I tried I was being chastised for making them feel inadequate.

It used to be really unclear to me what makes me orgasm during sex with others. I did, but I didn’t understand it, because it didn’t seem to involve straight clitoral stimulation, quite to the contrary. I don’t want and can’t take clitoral stimulation (via hand) when I’m fucking someone. It just doesn’t feel good. This didn’t fit any script I had about sexuality. How could it suddenly be not pleasurable?

I used to fantasize a lot. Without it it was impossible for me to orgasm. With Wonderboy I’ve learned that I don’t have to fantasize, (all the time) because we can step over the fantasy and make it more real by installing some sort of d/s roles. I’m still not sure about the effects pain has on my pleasure. This is a thing I’ve just started to discover. I’ve also been discovering how I react to domestic submission and possibly even male lead relationship model and how they give me pleasure, but also make me happier in my relationship with Wonderboy and strangely with other people too.

1a) Where have you researched the answers to those questions?

I’d say the wrong places. A popular trope is to say that women in particular are not as sexual as men and aren’t able to orgasm from intercourse alone. And that’s fine! I’ve turned myself over to pinpoint what happens in my body and to understand is it really vaginal orgasm or a clitoral one. I don’t care anymore. I’m pretty sure my orgasmic ability is going to be none the better for the possible answers. But I’ve read a lot which has hurt me. I’m looking at you, Freud.

One of my big worries used to be the fact that I sometimes squirt. Is it pee? Where does it come from? How can I explain it and stop it? It doesn’t help that it’s seen as a “money shot” created by the porn industry and featuring only water or pee for the sex crazed male masses. I’ve seen and read countless medical health care specialist attest to the fact that it’s not real. I’ve also been attacked by friends and allies alike for stating that some women actually are able to produce a flow like that and it’s perfectly healthy. Researching this fact via the internet (articles, others’ experiences, researches) helped me a lot at accepting this bodily function that I can neither help or force to happen.

1b) Have you ever discussed those questions with your partners?

To some extent, yes. Squirting I commented on the first time we fucked, because Wonderboy made a remark on me “wetting the bed” or something. I said “It’s not pee, you know” and he answered “I know, I saw this documentary about it”. In the same lines I’d say that easily accessable information has been a tremendous help for me. As have been the real life stories of others. By this I mean mostly personal blogs. We’ve been discussing, negotiating and dissecting (oh yeah) the issue of BDSM and our roles in regards to it and to each other the whole time we’ve been together. It’s getting easier, because I’m less worried and repressing about it and more open about communicating what I think I feel and think I want even when I’m not sure. Because with this it’s pretty hard to be sure even half the time.

Also, Wonderboy had this habit of asking me did I come after sex and rectified the issue, if the answer was no. Nowadays he just asks, if I had fun, because really, that’s enough, if I don’t insist on an orgasm. But I usually do.

2) What questions do you have about your partners’ orgasms?

It’s been hard for me to accept that even a man can’t have orgasms all the time. Wonderboy is clearly the more orgasmicly challenged of us, but this only means that he is prone to be more exhausted and that takes away his ability to go over the edge. I’m much better at handling that now, but the first years I drove myself crazy trying to pleasure him when the game was lost and just made him feel inadequate too. I’m also very interested in the ways kink plays into his pleasure and arousal and orgasming and have discussed it in detail with him. I can usually get an orgasm out of him by trics of that well, if he’s at all able to come.

2a) Have you ever asked your partners about their orgasms?

Yes. I’m really curious and even slightly obsessive about them.

3) What’s one thing you wish you’d said in bed to a partner?

I don’t want this now.

(Edit. This might not be sex itself, but something they are doing to me or initiating.)

3a) What would have made it easier to say it?

Thinking that I matter too, not just his pleasure, insecurities and needs.

4) What are your favorite sexual acts? Are there other ways you could perform them?

I don’t know about performing them differently. My favorite sexual act is intercourse where I am forced to move in a certain way, overpowered, suffocated, forcefully handled, dominated and hurt at the same time. I also really need there to be a back story, d/s roles, not just blatant giving and receiving pain. My favourite type of play is daddy and his little girl. Edit. And playing a prostitute who gets raped. And now that I think about it rape play and non-consent of any kind. I also love orgasm control scenarios of any kind on either one. And I love giving head, especially when I don’t feel obliged to do it and forced to but guided or ordered to. I love pain play and spanking also. There’ a lot of stuff he that can be done in a myriad ways and I feel I only know a small fragment of them. So, I think there’s lot to explore.

5) What’s the best sexual experience you remember? What made it great?

Ummm. This is a hard one. It’s actually this one rape scenario where Wonderboy also raped my ass with his fingers at the same time. I remember it as one of the most meaningful and intense sexual experiences of my life. But at the time it hurt me and broke me, because it reminded me too much about my very real rape experience that I hadn’t yet gotten over of.

6) What’s the hottest thing you’ve seen or read? What made it great and are there ways you could participate?

7) Does anything from this article resonate with you? What?

A lot, actually, which took me by surprise. The need to appease your partner and not be to demanding lest you be a bitch. The thoughts of what constitutes sex and how poorly that overlapped with what I needed out of my sexuality. Repressing kinkiness and suffering from it through sexuality but also through self-doubt, identity crisis and relationship difficulties that couldn’t be attoned. It’s important you speak up, and I feel it’s important that I speak up too. These experiences did not happen in a vacuum, and the way our stories entwine, I’d say our views of male and female sexuality hurt us more than should be expected. Which is not the fault of any particular male, although I think I have had worse luck than Clarisse when it comes to emotionally disabled men with no ability to discuss or take my pleasure into consideration. Being sexual with them certainly didn’t help my self-discovery, which really only kicked into gear after I met Wonderboy, who used to be more interested in my pleasure than his own. And who was ready to discuss and change things as we go along.


9 thoughts on “Orgasm And The Way Gender Performance Screwed It Up For Us

  1. Thank you, Conina. I think I could’ve written a whole book about this, but just had to try to get the essentials out.

    Also, it’s not the links, it’s Clarisse’s site. It’s been down since yesterday.

  2. No, I’m sorry. There was also a problem with the links, because I couldn’t check them yesterday. They are okay now! Now go read Clarisse’s story!

  3. Of course, Clarisse! I’ve actually never encountered your site down before and thought it was the thought provoking content that had people rush in and dip it over. 🙂

  4. Scarleteen is the best. This was an excellent overview and an excellent response to being demanded to squirt.

    I’ve caught Wonderboy off guard with it a couple of times while he’s doing oral, but he’s just laughed it off. There might have been a few spitting incidents too (as described in the Scarleteen second question) but it has been more in the lines of ptui ptui I need to breath again, and I do the same sometimes with him. I wouldn’t like to be surprised by a facial, so I’m happy that he’s so down with it, because there’s really no telling when it’s going to happen…

    I’ve also experienced some pressure to perform squirting so that he’d know how much I enjoyed, but I noticed how it only hindered my pleasure so I faught my way out of the need. It is humbling, fun and sexy at the same time. It feels weird to “wet the bed” and it’s sometimes even irritating (the “mess”), it feels nice that he enjoys it and gets a kick out of it (most of the time) but regarding my orgasms, it’s usually of no consequance to their powerfulness – just like Scarleteen tells us.

  5. jnakabb says:

    Thanks for your frankness and the link to the article on scarleteen. Helps to answer a few questions/thoughts I’ve had

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