BDSM, Gender stereotypes, Learning to negotiate, Male Lead Relationship stuff, Outside the Bedroom, Self-Questioning, Wonderboy

Feelings of Unfairness In a D/s Setting

This is an answer to Feminist Sub.

Your blog makes me think a lot about the issue of fairness and relationships. I was raised with a very strong sense of fairness ad justice, which I think is good for the world as a whole but not always so great for relationships. I used to think that this was especially thorny for me as a sub, since a lot of power play is *based* on scenarios that *seem* unfair. But actually, I think the issue of fairness can be hell on any relationship.

And I see a lot of subs who *feel* that their relationships are unfair, but justify it by saying “well, that’s just how it is because s/he’s the boss.” And while it seems like some people legitimately get off on or are at least ok with the unfairness, it seems like a lot just push that feeling down, and that’s not healthy either.

Me too. And we are equal and most of the time things are fair. I guess regarding sex the unfairness comes mostly from me not enjoying the things I usually do. If I don’t get off on giving head and being forced to do it, it really just seems unfair. It makes me angry. This is not something I can just brush aside or would even consider brushing aside. My enjoyment has to be on the agenda all the time, not just when it perfectly suits this dynamic and especially Wonderboy’s desires.

But the problem is, among others, that I don’t want to confess not enjoying something I usually do. I’ll go out of my way to try to enjoy it. I’m trying to convince myself. I don’t know what kind of a situation we’d fall into, if I’d say that for example today or this week I’m really not having fond feelings about licking your cock. I know he enjoys it immensely, but what if that just makes me angry, because I didn’t want to do it in the first place and I’m having trouble enjoying (anything) so why does he get to get off?

See? There’s no nice way to point out that you get angry at giving pleasure to your partner. Where would that go?

I’ve had trouble especially with expressing my discomfort and my desires, because of this dynamic. It’s been hard to pinpoint where the d/s ends and where I just suffer. Reminds me of the post Scared and Broken by Subversive Sub, which I still totally relate to. What she found out was that there are wants that don’t affect her badly when the scene or sex is over if they weren’t met, they are just the manifestation of the d/s. But then there are also NEEDS. Needs have to be met. I have spent a lot of time pondering this and studying my responses to find out which is which.

Obviously this is something Wonderboy can’t really take part in or even notice. Which makes me angry, because I expect him to solve everything in the end. It’s his role to make the decisions, but I have to give him all the information he needs to do that. I haven’t been able to give him everything he needs to make the right decisions. So, he’s trying his best and I’m angry, because I’m not happy.

He is very pragmatic, which is proven by him introducing the pillow just now, and he always strives to solve matters right away. I see now, maybe for the first time, that he is not as much of a talker. I sometimes confuse him profoundly, when I try to have a conversation about what I am and have been feeling during sex. He ends up shutting down, because what I feel is just honestly describing my experience is to him usually pretty insulting and scary. He can’t handle the fact that at some point I wasn’t enjoying myself, or I hurt too much and I didn’t stop everything. He always just expects me to be able to communicate it straight away.

But there are so many things affecting the situation. I probably have been enjoying myself and it’s not clear if I still could or couldn’t. I often don’t find words that wouldn’t insult him and so I don’t say anything, just try convey my discomfort through movement and sounds. Ouch is pretty usual and he can either use it for his benefit (yeah, this is meant to hurt) or not in which case it just isn’t good at all. A lot of times I have trouble voicing my discomfort, because I’m thinking of his pleasure first. This is the thing that hit me in Clarisses article about orgasm(less) and this is the thing I think we women are coerced to by the society. He’s too fragile, his manly ego wouldn’t be able to handle not being the stud he think he is and so on.

When I know this is one of his favourite things, how can I just say that this is something I fidn utterly lacking. Not even just now, but pretty much always. What makes matters complicated is that I have voiced these concerns in the past, when I’ve had a rough time. It’s just that when I’m at my peak enjoyment and arousal period and everything’s well, I don’t care if I don’t enjoy that certain thing. Because I know I’ll get off anyway. Now that is shot to shit, I start to feel the pressure more. Why am I being forced to positions and acts I dislike? Seems like a dick move. But he’s been getting enough of a positive feedback for a period of time, that he doesn’t understand that all and all what I said about not enjoying it that much was the truth. Even though I’ve sometimes seemed to enjoy it. And of course, because humans are tricky beings, I sometimes did get off on the unfairness of it. But the fact seems to be that he can actually never tell, if I’m ejoying something or not, because it changes so drastically over time. He just needs to listen to me. And I need to say it.

But how?

Agh. And I really don’t like unfairness in our every day life and now I’m having trouble with WB ordering me around more. I like it, it arouses me and at the same time I could see him turning into a man I’d detest, if he’d consider himself always the one who decides about everything. Like yesterday when I said I wanted to play computer games (I didn’t really, I was just baiting him) when I knew he was going to and he jumped on the computer and then jumped on me saying things like You really think you have a say on this? and then grabbing my hair and spanking my ass all the while coercing me to say that I didn’t want to play, so that he could. It was fun and since I didn’t really want to play it was okay to be subjucated… But if I had wanted to play? No, I couldn’t accept it.

I think that I maybe don’t so much enjoy getting treated unfairly. I strive to be fair and just in my decisions and actions. I’ll give Wonderboy the bigger slice of a cake, because he’s bigger and I’ll share the wine evenly even if I want more. I’ll help him by going to the store, when it’s his turn, if he’s sick and I expet him to do the same for me. But I won’t be ordered to do things for him that were his duties or would then put me in a unfair place. My desire to be ordered is to be ordered to do things that are good for me or just plain need doing. Him using his power can’t be him evading duties at the same time. Doesn’t work like that, not with me.

So, I guess I should go and tell him that.

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3 thoughts on “Feelings of Unfairness In a D/s Setting

  1. This is all really good stuff. I do think it sounds like you guys have good communication and it’s really great you can talk about this stuff openly. I think about all the couples who never talk about their frustrations and resentments and it’s no wonder divorce rates are so high.

    I like it, it arouses me and at the same time I could see him turning into a man I’d detest, if he’d consider himself always the one who decides about everything.

    You definitely want to avoid a situation where you grow to detest your partner. But do you see that happening now? Or is it something you’re *worried* about? I think those are two different situations. This is coming from someone who always has to play out every situation in my mind to all possible outcomes, and then always frets about the worst one happening. Which is exhausting and not really that helpful to my life. My therapist once said that worrying is like collecting sticks for a bridge you probably will never have to build. You spend all your time collecting those sticks, and guarding them, and your arms get tired from carrying them, and then you get to the river and there’s a bridge. Oops.

  2. Or is it something you’re *worried* about? I think those are two different situations. This is coming from someone who always has to play out every situation in my mind to all possible outcomes, and then always frets about the worst one happening.

    Well actually… Yeah. It’s something I’m only worried about. I really dislike gathering those bricks, but can’t seem to help myself!

    …And it might be something I’m only worried about, because sometimes submitting makes me angry. Like, it’s not always just happiness and contetnment. Which I guess would be excpected in a relationship of any kind.

  3. This is all really good stuff. I do think it sounds like you guys have good communication and it’s really great you can talk about this stuff openly. I think about all the couples who never talk about their frustrations and resentments and it’s no wonder divorce rates are so high.

    Thanks for pointing this out. Sometimes it escapes my mind that having these really confusing and emotionally exhausting discourses is actually a road to a better place.

    It makes me sad to hear my friends and close family members describe on the fly how they cannot comunicate about certain aspects of their life or relationship with their partner. I wonder how will it work out, years from now, when stuff gathers and you have to face it alone. I couldn’t take it. Maybe some others can?

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