Since all my orgasms come from Wonderboy or have to be done only after his permission, I’ve come to notice how my orgasms have many meanings and jobs. I read about enforcing total orgasm denial on a female submissive. When I read the text I was flipping through my mental notebook at the same time. I’ve read many tales of enforced chastity. I’ve read Thumper’s denials and Tom’s and Maymay’s and many others. What I thought was would it be different because of our physically assigned gender. I thought this because I’ve heard many women tell how it was impossible for them to have a healthy life and be in orgasm denial. I know it would never work for me.
Let me explain why I think it wouldn’t work on me.
I have a hard time sleeping. It’s one of the main concerns of my everyday life. Having no sleep or sleeping at the wrong time can really turn your world upside down. The most effective way for me to try to lure sleep is to masturbate. It’s no big deal, just pure maintenance of the body that’s all. It usually helps, though not always.
Sometimes I have pains, due period or some other form of physical torture, especially now on the hormones, that are quite hard to deal with. Sometimes painkillers help, sometimes they don’t and other times I just try to avoid them. Masturbating sometimes helps with those pains. I’m feeling ovulation pain right now. I get it a lot, the ooh, you’re probing your feelings, because you want to get pregnant (and are obsessed with it), so you say it’s a pain. So, I’ll tell you how it feels. Wonderboy slapped me on my butt today, a lot of times, real hard. The pain is more painful than that. I hit my foot on the table leg and chipped my nail. The pain is more prominent than that. So no. I’m not feeling it out. It hurts. I try to not let that pain get me down. I do things. Things that help. Sexy things.
Masturbation is also the one thing I can do to make myself happy that damages absolutely no one. I don’t get fat or hurt myself or anyone by doing it. It’s only a plus on the scales, if I relieve myself, when I feel like it, because honestly – without orgasms I get pretty angry, frustrated and also a little unstable emotionally. I get depressed, okay? And if haven’t been depressed, and if you don’t understand why this isn’t just a thing you have to weather through like any other little annoyance in a d/s relationships as a sub, go read this immediately. Not only is it perfect as a description of depression, it’s also insanely funny.
Orgasms are mandatory for my body and soul to function.
For me my sexuality, my orgasms, are not something just related to sexuality. I need an orgasm like I need to eat. If I am so sick I can’t have an orgasm, I feel the hole in my heart where the need is supposed to be. When I was taking antidepressants, I sometimes couldn’t orgasm and it was hard all the time. The need wouldn’t go away with the ability. I remember bursting to tears on top of Wonderboy, because I felt empty without them. I felt there was something essential missing from me even though I was emotionally sedated and didn’t get anxious. I felt I was just floating around and had nothing to cling on to.
For me orgasm is the thing that releases all my tension and actually makes me feel love. When I go without for whatever reason, I feel distinctly and unavoidably that something is missing, and it is also emotional not only physical. Orgasms are the glue of my love to Wonderboy. If I wouldn’t get any out of him, I would inevitably go looking for them somewhere else at some point. I’m not saying this would happen in a time of months, but years. And I would be truly unhappy.
It wouldn’t work anyway. Completely going without orgasms. It’s a myth that women somehow don’t need the release and can just go without. Some can, some can’t. When I was in high school, and masturbating about every day at least once, I would routinely wake up to an orgasm. I hadn’t touched myself and I was sleeping. I’ve never heard anything encompassing the fact that also women have orgasms while they dream, not only men. I’m pretty sure this would kick in again, if I was left high and dry.
Once I went a week without masturbating and without sex for whatever reason. It was a deliberate decision on my part. I think I felt guilty of having orgasms a lot without my then partner. I was sitting in the bus on my way home from work, when I realized the bus was humming and throbbing quite… seductively. I would have come then and there, if I’d just pushed myself a little bit harder against it. Throw a couple more weeks in the mix, and I wouldn’t have had any choice.
So, I don’t really believe it’s an option. Living without orgasms. They are a way for my body to function. They have meaning beyond what we can decipher from the measly research done on female orgasms. I certainly know now that whenever I go without orgasms, it’s a sign of bad things. Either abstinence will cause these bad things or the bad things cause the abstinence. I don’t feel it’s wise to tamper with them and my mental health.
But I still remember how we tried out orgasm control and denial. It didn’t work in the long run. Wonderboy couldn’t handle my emotional turmoil, which was not healthy, and I could not handle it either.
So, now you’re wondering what about our present arrangement? It’s orgasm control, is it not?
Yes it is. I have to ask for Wonderboy’s permission to have an orgasm. The goal of our sex, whenever we have it, is for both of us to come, so I don’t have to ask, if we’re having sex. But I have to ask, if I want to pleasure myself. Wonderboy has never once said no. But I’m obliged to put my faith in him and ask. He’s obliged to think about my well-being and decide how I’m doing and if it’s good to me. It’s about the power. He has a say on my orgasming no matter what. Most of all, though, this is to unite us. He knows every time I need an orgasm and he gives it to me.
When I hadn’t asked him for a permission, over I think 3 to 4 days, he though I’d been playing without his permission. I hadn’t. It was the hormones acting up. At one point I had struggled hard not to play, because I didn’t want to ask him for a permisson so frequently. I was revolting! When I confessed this to him, he said he had already expected me to ask. He knows exactly how often I’d like an orgasm, and he can handle it.
The most remarkable thing for me is that he is perfectly okay with my far bigger need than his. He is in no way threatened by my libido. I feel a great relief, even though I didn’t know this was a thing I was worried about. I’ve felt bad, I guess, for needing it so much more than him. I’ve worried that he might see it like he couldn’t satisfy me entirely, if I have to masturbate too.
Also, after we started doing this, I just stopped worrying about him masturbating and then having no energy for me. I actually don’t know, if he masturbates a lot or not, but I’m not worried about it. Somehow, now, I’m at peace. I know that he’d rather play with me. I know that he’d even wake me up, if he was really in need all of a sudden.
This was proven when come Saturday morning he woke up earlier than me and after he’d spent some time on the other room I just had to get up and go and tell him that he shouldn’t play, because of the ovulation happening. He laughed gently and kissed me.
I wouldn’t do that! I’d come and wake you up! he said. Ooh, poor baby, couldn’t sleep until she was sure, he added and sent me a kiss. You can go back to sleep now.
But it wasn’t always like this. He used to fall back on masturbating whenever he was feeling angry, frustrated, sad or feared that I might reject him. He’d rather play alone than try to fix things with me. It wasn’t fair to me and it wasn’t good to him, either. It has helped immensely that I have fallen to the submissive role a lot more firmly. He knows I’ll never deny him. He knows that it’s okay by me, if he doesn’t come, if he only wants to play a little. He doesn’t have to perform perfectly every time.
Controlling my orgasms has clearly given him a better stance. It’s under his control. And byt extending his power to cover my orgasms, my lonely orgasms aren’t lonely anymore. He is part of the sexuality I have with myself, too.
Now I really feel like an orgasm, so I’m going to go and ask him, if he’ll let me have one.