BDSM, Male Lead Relationship stuff, Volatile bodies, What Women Really Want, Wonderboy

Don’t You Try To Take Away My Orgasms

Since all my orgasms come from Wonderboy or have to be done only after his permission, I’ve come to notice how my orgasms have many meanings and jobs. I read about enforcing total orgasm denial on a female submissive. When I read the text I was flipping through my mental notebook at the same time. I’ve read many tales of enforced chastity. I’ve read Thumper’s denials and Tom’s and Maymay’s and many others. What I thought was would it be different because of our physically assigned gender. I thought this because I’ve heard many women tell how it was impossible for them to have a healthy life and be in orgasm denial. I know it would never work for me.

Let me explain why I think it wouldn’t work on me.

I have a hard time sleeping. It’s one of the main concerns of my everyday life. Having no sleep or sleeping at the wrong time can really turn your world upside down. The most effective way for me to try to lure sleep is to masturbate. It’s no big deal, just pure maintenance of the body that’s all. It usually helps, though not always.

Sometimes I have pains, due period or some other form of physical torture, especially now on the hormones, that are quite hard to deal with. Sometimes painkillers help, sometimes they don’t and other times I just try to avoid them. Masturbating sometimes helps with those pains. I’m feeling ovulation pain right now. I get it a lot, the ooh, you’re probing your feelings, because you want to get pregnant (and are obsessed with it), so you say it’s a pain. So, I’ll tell you how it feels. Wonderboy slapped me on my butt today, a lot of times, real hard. The pain is more painful than that. I hit my foot on the table leg and chipped my nail. The pain is more prominent than that. So no. I’m not feeling it out. It hurts. I try to not let that pain get me down. I do things. Things that help. Sexy things.

Masturbation is also the one thing I can do to make myself happy that damages absolutely no one. I don’t get fat or hurt myself or anyone by doing it. It’s only a plus on the scales, if I relieve myself, when I feel like it, because honestly – without orgasms I get pretty angry, frustrated and also a little unstable emotionally. I get depressed, okay? And if haven’t been depressed, and if you don’t understand why this isn’t just a thing you have to weather through like any other little annoyance in a d/s relationships as a sub, go read this immediately. Not only is it perfect as a description of depression, it’s also insanely funny.

Orgasms are mandatory for my body and soul to function.

For me my sexuality, my orgasms, are not something just related to sexuality. I need an orgasm like I need to eat. If I am so sick I can’t have an orgasm, I feel the hole in my heart where the need is supposed to be. When I was taking antidepressants, I sometimes couldn’t orgasm and it was hard all the time. The need wouldn’t go away with the ability. I remember bursting to tears on top of Wonderboy, because I felt empty without them. I felt there was something essential missing from me even though I was emotionally sedated and didn’t get anxious. I felt I was just floating around and had nothing to cling on to.

For me  orgasm is the thing that releases all my tension and actually makes me feel love. When I go without for whatever reason, I feel distinctly and unavoidably that something is missing, and it is also emotional not only physical. Orgasms are the glue of my love to Wonderboy. If I wouldn’t get any out of him, I would inevitably go looking for them somewhere else at some point. I’m not saying this would happen in a time of months, but years. And I would be truly unhappy.

It wouldn’t work anyway. Completely going without orgasms. It’s a myth that women somehow don’t need the release and can just go without. Some can, some can’t. When I was in high school, and masturbating about every day at least once, I would routinely wake up to an orgasm. I hadn’t touched myself and I was sleeping. I’ve never heard anything encompassing the fact that also women have orgasms while they dream, not only men. I’m pretty sure this would kick in again, if I was left high and dry.

Once I went a week without masturbating and without sex for whatever reason. It was a deliberate decision on my part. I think I felt guilty of having orgasms a lot without my then partner. I was sitting in the bus on my way home from work, when I realized the bus was humming and throbbing quite… seductively. I would have come then and there, if I’d just pushed myself a little bit harder against it. Throw a couple more weeks in the mix, and I wouldn’t have had any choice.

So, I don’t really believe it’s an option. Living without orgasms. They are a way for my body to function. They have meaning beyond what we can decipher from the measly research done on female orgasms. I certainly know now that whenever I go without orgasms, it’s a sign of bad things. Either abstinence will cause these bad things or the bad things cause the abstinence. I don’t feel it’s wise to tamper with them and my mental health.

But I still remember how we tried out orgasm control and denial. It didn’t work in the long run. Wonderboy couldn’t handle my emotional turmoil, which was not healthy, and I could not handle it either.

So, now you’re wondering what about our present arrangement? It’s orgasm control, is it not?

Yes it is. I have to ask for Wonderboy’s permission to have an orgasm. The goal of our sex, whenever we have it, is for both of us to come, so I don’t have to ask, if we’re having sex. But I have to ask, if I want to pleasure myself. Wonderboy has never once said no. But I’m obliged to put my faith in him and ask. He’s obliged to think about my well-being and decide how I’m doing and if it’s good to me. It’s about the power. He has a say on my orgasming no matter what. Most of all, though, this is to unite us. He knows every time I need an orgasm and he gives it to me.

When I hadn’t asked him for a permission, over I think 3 to 4 days, he though I’d been playing without his permission. I hadn’t. It was the hormones acting up. At one point I had struggled hard not to play, because I didn’t want to ask him for a permisson so frequently. I was revolting! When I confessed this to him, he said he had already expected me to ask. He knows exactly how often I’d like an orgasm, and he can handle it.

The most remarkable thing for me is that he is perfectly okay with my far bigger need than his. He is in no way threatened by my libido. I feel a great relief, even though I didn’t know this was a thing I was worried about. I’ve felt bad, I guess, for needing it so much more than him. I’ve worried that he might see it like he couldn’t satisfy me entirely, if I have to masturbate too.

Also, after we started doing this, I just stopped worrying about him masturbating and then having no energy for me. I actually don’t know, if he masturbates a lot or not, but I’m not worried about it. Somehow, now, I’m at peace. I know that he’d rather play with me. I know that he’d even wake me up, if he was really in need all of a sudden.

This was proven when come Saturday morning he woke up earlier than me and after he’d spent some time on the other room I just had to get up and go and tell him that he shouldn’t play, because of the ovulation happening. He laughed gently and kissed me.

I wouldn’t do that! I’d come and wake you up! he said. Ooh, poor baby, couldn’t sleep until she was sure, he added and sent me a kiss. You can go back to sleep now.

But it wasn’t always like this. He used to fall back on masturbating whenever he was feeling angry, frustrated, sad or feared that I might reject him. He’d rather play alone than try to fix things with me. It wasn’t fair to me and it wasn’t good to him, either. It has helped immensely that I have fallen to the submissive role a lot more firmly. He knows I’ll never deny him. He knows that it’s okay by me, if he doesn’t come, if he only wants to play a little. He doesn’t have to perform perfectly every time.

Controlling my orgasms has clearly given him a better stance. It’s under his control. And byt extending his power to cover my orgasms, my lonely orgasms aren’t lonely anymore. He is part of the sexuality I have with myself, too.

Now I really feel like an orgasm, so I’m going to go and ask him, if he’ll let me have one.


11 thoughts on “Don’t You Try To Take Away My Orgasms

  1. I’m amused right now because I knew what both your links were without even having to click them. 😀

    I have mixed feelings about orgasm denial. On the one hand, I find the *idea* very hot. But I think it’s especially tough with a female sub/bottom because it does tend to be harder for women to orgasm during sex than it is for men. And then there’s all the baggage around female orgasms that Clarisse Thorn recently wrote about. I really want to feel like my orgasm is important to my partner – not because he wants to feel like a man (or at least, not only for that reason) but because it’s important to him that I feel satisfied too.

    I read an erotic novel that was basically one long, extended orgasm denial scene and I just had to stop because it felt too cruel to me (there was A LOT of heavy sadism and objectification, too – it was intense). But some of the individual scenes have become a part of some of my favorite fantasies. Go figure.

    But orgasm CONTROL is very hot, and it sounds like you guys have worked out a way to use that to both of your benefit.

  2. Yeah, orgasm denial is tricky business, especially on women. Wonderboy has used his tactics on me to get me off when he’s been licking me. At some point I baited him to deny my right to come and then tease me about it. Although the teasing is hot, it’s kind of moot, because he’s obviously trying to get me off and wants to get me off. Even though my immediate response is arousal, the secondary impulse is to be perplexed. You don’t want your partner to be perplexed during sex.

    It’s more than easy to not come. It’s kind of a stupid game to insist I can’t come, buahhahaa, when in all actuality he has to do his damn best and I have to fantasize my damn best and guide him for me to get off. It’s not on a hair trigger. Because if he’s going down on me, that already means that I haven’t come during foreplay or during the intercourse (or well, sometimes, like yesterday, I wanted one more…) and that is my favourite way to come. When his cock is in me. I used to be very upset, if it didn’t happen, because I felt every other way was so flat. I would also feel completely wounded, if Wonderboy wouldn’t want me to orgasm for real.

    Anyway, I hear what your saying, and Clarisse’s article was a starting point for all of these orgasm related posts of mine. The gender roles cannot be reversed just like that no matter how much I’d want them to. It seems to much like using the prevalent script that women don’t need to come, but men do (and after that sex is over). It also hits my button for unfairness, because it’s a command that just releases the PIC for some of his duties. One of them obviously being to get the partner off, whatever that means for them.

    In the link of DIscerning Dom, there were a couple of women who told how they had spent year(s) without orgasming (OMGOMG). The other had been abstinent, because she was single. What would the point be exactly to take away orgasm from someone who already doesn’t need it? What would the point be to take away orgasm from someone who has trouble achieving it? I really don’t see it as any other than wank fodder. And hey, I’ve got nothing against wank fodder. Wank fodder is my friend. You know why? Because I need my orgasms dammit!

    Ps. That novel sounds… too much for me. Is it so bad for women to actually enjoy anything that here has to be a way to take it away from them? Heavy sadism and obejctification would be okay, if we would at least get the submissive’s O to tell us, how she is actually desiring this. But no. She’s dominated (almost) against her will… And you know what I have to say about that? Wank… Fodder! 😉

  3. It’s interesting to me, because I actually think that, from what I’ve seen, orgasm denial/chastity seems more popular with male subs than female. Which makes sense given all these issues around female orgasm.

    The novel is As She’s Told, and as the writer tells it, it’s really hard to have an ethical issue with it, as much as it sort of freaked me out. It’s set up that the submissive character has a deep need to submit totally – she *needs* to not have her will or desire matter at all. The dom character actually sets up a pretty thorough set of “consent checks,” almost against the sub’s will. Ha. The author kind of takes that little kernal of masochism and desire to subsume one’s own will to that of another that all subs have a little bit of and basically creates an entire character around it. It was well-written but exhausting and I couldn’t finish it.

  4. machina says:

    The only woman I’ve known who has done it was mainly into obedience and service, and I think that that sort of kink is where it works.

  5. I thought I was into obedience and service… I just don’t think it’s necessarily all encompassing and easy to give up control even if you are into it. Like I am, to a point. Either way, I am not into obedience and service when it includes taking away my orgasms. Denying them is hunky dory as in “oops, I did what I was not supposed to do” kind of a thing.

    But what I was mainly trying to address here is that it’s not necessarily physically advicable as a course of action for all people. That it might only have negative side-effects and none of the good ones. There’s been talk of this before, mainly on Thumper’s blog, where many lost their head, because they felt he was saying orgasm denial is for everyone! It’s possibly not for everyone. I am trying to show my side of the coin, how it doesn’t work for me physically and emotionally although it is a kink of mine. Or a fantasy. Or arousing to me. 🙂

    But yeah, sure enough, there are people out there who get off on cleaning someone’s bathroom (for example) and I’m not one of them. Most of the time. 😉

  6. machina says:

    You know, even with the orgasm denial, and the obedience and service, this woman said she didn’t really identify with BDSM, she just took the parts of it she liked. I said everyone does that, or else they’d all be waddling around in layers of leather and latex and synthetic fur.

  7. Machina,

    I used to do that too. You can even flip to the first posts I made here and see that I didn’t agree with the term submissive (not me!) or BDSM or anything. I was unsure for the longest time that any of what we like to do to each other and what constitutes our sexuality is what they call BDSM.

    Is wanting to be slapped a submissive act or just wanting different sensory stimulation? Is getting off on giving head submissive or just sexual? And on and on.

    It only got easier when I realized that just like bisexuality BDSM is a point of identification. I either identify as submissive or I don’t. It makes no difference, just that the outside world can see my desires as whole and that I can freely talk about them. Categories are sometimes useful like that. It has helped me tremendously to realize that the latex clad domina’s and the submissive men with apple’s in their mouths and a rope around their necks aren’t the only possible scenarios. Nor are the stick thin porn models violently used by men in porn. That there’s actually love and caring in a real BDSM encounter, yes even in the darkest of places, and that I don’t have to change in order to fit any paradigm – the normal or the “perverse”. I learned that a healthy sexuality can take many more shapes and sizes than our desease and protective measures based sex education never told us. And that it’s okay. And that sexuality is sometimes more than acts with certain body parts. A lot more.

    Buuut it’s no one else’s business if this mystery woman you mention just happened to like certain things and didn’t want to identify as a service submissive or even into BDSM. It’s her right. Like it’s her right to refuse orgasm too, if it’s demanded of her. I couldn’t do it without getting too depressed and losing something I value on myself and my sexuality, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone who does and can.

  8. machina says:

    Well there seems to be an inherent linguistic binding of acts with actors, such that someone who performs an act is given an actor’s identity. A person who gardens is a gardener, a person who carries messages is a messenger, a person who submits is a submissive. I’m not sure if you can refuse that identity if you perform the act.

    But that’s probably a matter of language shaping philosophy. Hi, Wittgenstein!

  9. Machina,


    If it was that simple we could have no amateur actors. Play is also usually like acting, but we don’t consider it to be or call it such, because there are spesific conditions we expect from “A Play” and “Actors”, one being audience and usually a script to follow. Wittgenstein’s game theory from which we got the term family recemblance helps pointing out how we distinguish these things which at first seem very similar in many prospects.

    No one can claim that someone possesses a certain identity, if they don’t identify with it. Acting submissively is so far from being a submissive (here: meaning a sexually submissively inclined person). So, you can’t deny acting submissively, but you can deny identifying as a “submissive”, which is a category of its own that many don’t want any part in. There are “tops” who enjoy doing or giving “service” or being fucked in the ass so it hurts, or being hurt. None of this makes them a submissive. Just like fantasizing about women doesn’t make a woman gay, if she doesn’t identify with that. It’s not so black and white. Words are just tools and they can be used wrong too. especially if you impose them on someone.

  10. machina says:

    Oh but I didn’t mean serving, or getting fucked or hurt. I meant submitting in the sense of sexually yielding to another person of one’s own volition. But you’re woman fantasising about a woman example probably renders that moot.

    Do you think identities can be reasoned about then?

  11. I meant submitting in the sense of sexually yielding to another person of one’s own volition.

    I thought I understood you, but I’m not sure anymore. I just meant, just like in the “gay” example, that acts often perceived as either submissive or dominant aren’t necessarily rigid in all cases (or any, really). I think that Clarisse Thorn wrote quite excellently on this just now in her post on BDSM roles. What is submission anyway? She tackles it quite eloquently; one might call themselves a switch a service top or any other name and want to be hurt an yeald to someone, but also command and insist on being dominated or hurt in the situation. It’s tricky to go putting labels there from the outside. So much is just about how they feel about it and themselves.

    I have disagreed with many people about their identity, or mostly the way they chose to word it. For example my friend K, who has had sex, enjoyed it and looked for it from other women was set on calling herself heterosexual although she fancies women too. Her explanation was that she couldn’t have a relationship with a woman and that when she thinks about her future she sees a guy (and probably kids) there. Our definitions clashed. For me sexual ambiguity about the partner’s gender was the sign of bisexuality or pansexuality. But who am I to superimpose my own definition over hers?

    I think a lot of time the seemingly misjudged self-definition grows from fear of being labeled and not wanting to be a part of a marginalized group. Even K later changed her mind a bit and is nowadays open for a relationship with women too, just like I learned to embrace my identity as a submissive woman and before that as a bisexual. but for the longest time people would claim that I’m either a dyke or het depending on the circumstances and it made my self-evaluation even harder. I didn’t know I didn’t have to choose.

    I think it demands courage and will to change things, if you take on a new label, like submissive, and you don’t recognise or even accept many of the things normally affiliated with it. It might even turn you against the label and start calling yourself something else… or nothing at all. It helped me to realize that my desires, which are manyfold, all come together in the term submissive. That the leading desire is being dominated. Some people might find the degrading act (like cleaning the bathroom) to work for them without being forced to do it, some people might only enjoy doing service when they want to and how they want to.

    Should I go pulling my label trigger on them or let them decide what to call themselves? It’s mostly about how they feel anyway.

    And thanks for giving me so much to think about!

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