Hurting, Pregnancy, Self-Questioning, Volatile bodies, What Women Really Want

The Secret Confessions of an Infertile Woman

I’ve got a confession. I think I write here less than I’d like, need actually, because I’m somehow tied by the idea that this is supposed to be a sex blog. The fact is that this situation, our infertility, has pushed a lot of the good things about our sexuality to the background. I’d like to be spontaneous and full of enjoyment, but I’m not. Neither is Wonderboy. A couple of days ago we tried to have sex, but it didn’t work out, because neither of us actually wanted it. We just figured we should, because my ovulation was due any day. I got mad, because that’s what I’m like with these hormones, it’s like the worst possible PMS you can imagine – and it’s all day every day. And I got him crying.

Wonderboy doesn’t cry much. He cried unconsollably, for a long time in my embrace. I told him I still like him and want him. When I asked him what’s wrong he confessed that the pressure is getting to him. He has to succeed every time. He feels the pressure of making me pregnant, no matter what his body is telling him, he has to complete the task. I had to take a step back and tell him that it’s only one month. There will be other months, other follicles, better times. At the time I really felt like that. That there is time. That this is not worth it, if we crumble. If we stop caring for each other and ourselves.

I was actually really proud of myself, because I’d asked, if we could stop having sex. It hurt and I didn’t feel turned on or happy. And I thought Is this what we’ve come to? Is this what I have to do to get pregnant – to endure fucking? I decided against it. I decided that my body, my sexuality is worth more to me than the possibility of pregnancy. Why would I willingly rape myself like that? The blackness of it would come back, if I didn’t get pregnant. It would come between us, because no matter what I decided he did it to me.

I hope no one’s gonna jump the gun and blame me for feeling this way. I already blame myself for feeling this way, more than anyone else could. I’m trying to cope with it. I’m trying to find ways to relieve the tension, to build communication and happiness where the void is.

Wednesday I had pains so crave I had to take two painkillers. It raised hope in me. Just after the ovulation (on day 16/30)! Maybe I’m pregnant. I felt the ovulation distinctly on 13th day of the cycle, Sunday, as pains in the left ovary. The good one. My right ovary is really close to the womb and causes me pain, so I’m not counting on the right one. But the left one! If only!

Then I went and read what other people had been going through in their treatments and I found out that my follicle, 16mm on day 12/30, had been on the small side even after taking the hormones. Other women’s follicles were 19 to 21mm big on the same day of the cycle. I feel crushed. I’ve been studying myself, my cycle, and I’ve come to no conclusion. If there are women or men out there reading this with much knowledge of fertility and cycles please don’t hesitate to tell me all you know.

I know the doctor wouldn’t say there’s a chance of getting pregnant, if there wasn’t one. Why would they? They wouldn’t put us through this hormone trying cycle, (four actually, this one’s the second) if there wasn’t any chance of conceiving. But I’d wager the chances are pretty slim.

My cycle has always been kind of wonky, but it’s mostly been 33-34 days long. That’s a lot longer than the expected 28 cycle. The health professionals always say that menstruation follows after 14 days of the ovulation. Like that’s a fact that our bodies will abide by no matter what. Well, it isn’t that way with me. After ovulating, which I feel as pains and has also now been proved by ultrasound a couple of times, there can be 7 to 20 days before I start to bleed. I’d bet that’s not good, if you’re trying to conceive, but what do I know. I hope these hormones will prove efficient in making my cycle if not the magic 28 days then even even.

I’ve also spent countless hours agonizing, if my period has started, will start or hasn’t started yet. Because I need to take the hormones on day 3 of the cycle, I have to be sure of the starting day! It’s not that simple, but I’ve decided I always wait until I’m bleeding my heart out. Because, you know, I kind of am.

I wasn’t really sad the last time period started, because I hadn’t really even hoped for anything. I’d known that I wasn’t pregnant. Call it intuition or just knowing your body, but I did. Now I have a slight hope, because there’s this weird feeling of pressure in my womb, but it could just as well be PMS or some unknown hormonal side-effect. I’ve also felt nauseated by certain foods, but as I’ve been told this kind of thing only usually starts two weeks into pregnancy or more, I think I might be psyching myself to feel these things. Or they are caused by a totally different reason. I do know, in my body I know, that I was pregnant for a brief while in the summer of 2010 and this summer. Even my friend suspected it when I was visiting her in the North. She is now happily pregnant and said that it was in no way different than the one similar miscarriage/biochemical pregnancy she had experienced in the summer when they started trying. So, I’m pretty confident I do know my body and that whatever the statistics, doctors or people with dissimilar experiences might say, I know what I know. It’s just different, not impossible or implausible.

And it really doesn’t help me or the infertility treatments, if I don’t say how I feel and how my body has acted. It’s pretty damn significant that the follicle has been fertilized twice even though it didn’t stick around. There’s still hope.

In other news, I have something else to tell you. This is the one that breaks my heart. Remember my big sister Hope, the one I had the huge fight with because she couldn’t accept what I was going through. Tears well in my eyes, when I even think about it and about the nice waitress who tried to mend things, after. If my sister was not empathic, the waitress sure as hell was.

Well. My sister has been trying to conceive for I think four months now. Guided by our misfortune and her own consciousness of her body she went to the doctor to find out if everything was okay. It wasn’t. She’s not ovulating. This might be the sole reason they haven’t gotten pregnant and it can be remedied quite quickly by hormones, which she got, so it isn’t the end of the world. But it’s a huge blow to your self-image to find out you are not healthy. You are not perfect. Your body is broken somehow. I understand this. I could totally listen to her and empathize with her.

And it hit me. I really don’t want her to have to suffer through this same shit. I was afraid they’d get pregnant right away, it would’ve hurt me so much. But I do want them to get pregnant. I want them to be happy. And what’s more – I want her to be able to be happy about my pregnancy, if it happens one of these days. I want her to be able to take part in our children’s life.

It is not fair that we have to be broken like this. But it happened.

One piece of good news, that me therapist has neglected of informing me, while telling me about the divorces of couples in infertility treatments etc, is that according to research when infertile couples do get pregnant, they are more happy than other average couples the first years of the child’s life and also during pregnancy. Many women tell me, over and over and over, I guess in an attempt to make me appreciate what I haven’t got, how hard it is to have small children who fall sick all the time and take all your personal time etc. They always say just wait and see. Maybe I will never see what they see. Maybe I will see, just like my mother did, how precious life is and how fragile. Maybe I can set aside time for my children, time that makes me equally happy as them, just like my time with Wonderboy. Maybe we are all not the same.

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17 thoughts on “The Secret Confessions of an Infertile Woman

  1. jnakabb says:

    Why would I willingly rape myself like that? … I hope no one’s gonna jump the gun and blame me for feeling this way

    Great call, Rogue. You need to look after yourselves – whether or not you fall pregnant, you need your relationship to be strong and full of love.

    I want them to be happy. And what’s more – I want her to be able to be happy about my pregnancy, if it happens one of these days. I want her to be able to take part in our children’s life

    I love that you’ve come to this understanding.

    when infertile couples do get pregnant, they are more happy than other average couples

    Significant that you mention this on your blog, which you’ve subtitled “enthusiastic consent”. It’s like that. It’s hard. Kids can be hard. Parenting can be hard. But having overcome infertility gives you the benefit of knowing it’s your choice and not something that fate has thrown your way. And that’s empowering and re-assuring

  2. We are definitely not all the same.

    Right now my little one is going through a “play with me, play with me, play with me, play with me” phase that is quite exhausting. But it’s also awesome.

    Don’t torture yourselves, definitely, sex is not something you should be enduring. Kudos to you for realizing that.

    Fingers crossed for you!

  3. Just so you know, I don’t come here to read about hot sex*; I come here because it’s fascinating to watch you learning about yourself and growing as a person. I can’t be the only one.

    Write what you need to! You’ll have an audience. I promise. ❤

    *The hot sex you write about is just a side benefit. 😀

  4. Aaaaaaaaaaawwwww. PC, you made my night. The sleepless one I’m having wondering “maybe I’m pregnant”! I’m gonna go and try to sleep now.

    Then I’ll come back and agonize and answer you all. Promise. ❤

  5. PC,

    Okay, now with a (4,5 hrs) rested mind. I don’t know why, but I was actually worried especially because of you. I once saw you comment so adamantly, on Pervocracy I think, that you dislike children. Somehow that got stuck in my head and changed into a thought that you’d detest reading about wanting or trying for children too. Logical, right?

    And I don’t know, I don’t actually write this for an audience. That’s the point. That I can and will agonize everything to bits, because I need to. But somehow I thought that if people come to read nice, hot and sometimes sad but still BDSM related stories, they’ll be apalled by a change of tune to infertility treatments, body temperatures, hormones and tunnelvision. I might have scared myself with that though a bit.

    But now I feel completely liberated! Have I already told you that my nipples are sore? ;D

  6. Thank you Conina!

    Yeah, I know it can be hard and exhausting with children. I see my sister Faith struggle a lot alone with two children. But I thought of an analogy today, because this is the line people use the most “well, kids are a pain in the ass. Just be glad that you don’t have to deal with them!” Would you trade away your sister, brother or parents, if you had a hard time with them sometimes? I think most of the people don’t realize that infertile people are denied a family, with its ups and downs. It’s like saying “you’re better off alone anyway, see how hard my life is with my husband sometimes?” I’m pretty sure the awesome part kind of erases the exhausting part. 🙂

    I’m letting myself believe again for the first time after the second biochemical pregnancy. I know these symptoms are small and could be another BCP or then nothing. But I hope again. I don’t know what to make of that. I think it’s for good.

  7. Jnakabb,

    you always seem to find the right words. Thank you.

    I love the fact you pointed out the “enthusiastic consent” subtitle. Yeah, exactly. This is enthusiastic consent, willing to go through with all this and more just for a little chance.

    My therapy is obviously working since I can make decisions about my wellbeing without further delay and even reject (gasp!) sexual advances. That’s empowering too.

  8. You know, I don’t think I’ve ever said this out loud before, but: it took me a very long time to get pregnant the first time. What I remember the most about that time now is — and it’s difficult to describe — the awful, tight mental feeling I had, a sort of psychological vaporlock.

    My own earliest signs always had to do with my sense of smell: it got so much sharper and more intense.

    Like PC, I’m not disappointed when I come and you’re not writing about sex that day. I come because I like to hear what you have to say.

    The “oh kids are so hard” thing is a strange one. Sometimes I feel as though a surprisingly large number of people who have kids are determined to discourage and terrify people who want to become parents, like it’s a kind of unofficial Scared Straight program. When I talk to people I know who are prospective parents, whether trying to conceive or expecting, I always say, “I think you two will be great parents.” (It occurs to me as I write this that I’ve always been able to say that to people with complete sincerity. Clearly I live a charmed life. Or I’m completely deluded).

  9. Clearly I live a charmed life. Or I’m completely deluded).

    Haha! I’m sure you’re not deluded. And that is a wonderful way to treat people who want to be parents. Maybe many people kind of feel jealous for the “wanting to be a parent high” and they want to drop them down of their dreams. Probably those people aren’t really satisfied with their life. Maybe?

    I actually do smell things pretty strongly now and have suddenly dislikes of foods I usually eat. And a fierce craving of juice. I never drink juice.

    I just wish I wouldn’t fall too hard, if I’m not pregnant. I’m writing all my symptoms down on my calendar now, so that if I’m not pregnant, I can check again next cycle and not be so shaken by them, if they reappear.

    It is somehow relieving to hear other people’s stories (when they are telling them themselves). So glad that you shared yours too. Many people suffer for so long, an aqcuintance for 7 long years. I hope this is it, but if it’s not, I hope it’s close. There’s always room for hope.

    Even my parents had to work at it I think 1,5 years. And we’re all here. So I’m not losing my hope. Except for a little while, if I bleed.

  10. Also, I didn’t know you read my blog, Lily! It’s nice to hear that you like to hear what I have to say. 🙂

    It’s easy to forget that you have children, when reading a post like the last one on slow BDSM sex. Oh my. 🙂

  11. Well, my kids are now 7 and 10, respectively. When they were infants and toddlers, our sex life took a real hit, but now, we have the time and energy to pursue sex.

    Honestly, I think couples like you and Wonderboy will be in a better place around sex — because you talk about it now. Bryce and I had a very conventional marriage and vanilla sex life before we had children — which, as for so many couples, meant that we didn’t talk about sex unless it was “a problem.” That also meant that, for me, I had a lot of unexamined beliefs around sex that made my sex life tank completely when I had kids. I believed I had to be a lot more physically perfect than I was to have sex, I believed that only nice and happy emotions were allowed in the bedroom (and now I think, ANGRY SEX RAWWWWR!!!). The big one was that I’d never revealed my kinks to Bryce, and I wondered if That Stuff was incompatible with being a wife or mother — that I had to choose: I could have a family or I could have kinky sex, but not both.

    You guys are *so far ahead* of where we were before we had children.

    And? OF COURSE I READ YOUR BLOG!! Silly. Yeah, I have one of those newfangled RSS readers, gets delivered right to mah inbox.

  12. Bryce and I had a very conventional marriage and vanilla sex life before we had children — which, as for so many couples, meant that we didn’t talk about sex unless it was “a problem.” That also meant that, for me, I had a lot of unexamined beliefs around sex that made my sex life tank completely when I had kids.

    This is something I’ve thought about a lot. I just feel that so many people around me are completely at the mercy of chance when it comes to sex, because they just trust it goes well since it has or hope it’s going to change, but it hasn’t. I’m actuallu quite taken aback with both my sisters’ relationships when I hear how much goes unsaid and how much it causes tension to grow under the surface. I don’t understand it. Why would they be with someone who supposedly “can’t talk” about some things, because they get too angry or scared? They joke about being such drama queens with their spouses and I’m listening in awe. You really can’t even bring changing an arrangement or the lack of sec or your feelings on something he did without it being a fight and going unresolved? Uh.

    I can’t imagine being happy without the communication. Yes it’s hard, it sometimes even doesn’t give the answers you’d like it to or resolve everything immadiately, but there are no building tensions or bitterness lying down there somewhere. Because that will burst into flames when things get rough. Like now. I’m so happy we already were communicating so openly. I’m glad we’ve done all the work we’ve done. It has brought us here and kept us sane and almost, almost kept our sex life as good as it was. Sex is so much about adapting to the situation and feelings at hand. I don’t know how I’d live, if I couldn’t communicate about my needs changing.

    That’s another one of those myths, isn’t it? That sex and sexuality are supposed to be unchanged, just like identity. Hmph. We’ll it just isn’t that simple.

  13. I believed I had to be a lot more physically perfect than I was to have sex, I believed that only nice and happy emotions were allowed in the bedroom (and now I think, ANGRY SEX RAWWWWR!!!). The big one was that I’d never revealed my kinks to Bryce, and I wondered if That Stuff was incompatible with being a wife or mother — that I had to choose: I could have a family or I could have kinky sex, but not both.

    Yeah, I’ve been in the same boat. I am actually more liberated in bed, sill, when I’ve lost some weight like now. It’s stupid, I know, but it also changes the way things feel, not only how I look. And it’s really important for me to feel comfortable about WB looking at me in his loving gaze. It helps that he can’t keep his hands or eyes of of my ass in feeling desired. But it shouldn’t be just about that. It’s hard to change that in this world, though.

    I’ve thought about kink + kids, even though I’ve read tons of blogs that are written by kinky parents. I think I’m just being pragmatic thinking more about the sounds and the possible frequency to get it on, when there are other people in the house. The biggest thing for me about moving to my own home for the first time ever before I met WB was that I was completely free to explore and enact my sexuality, because for the first time there was no one else there. So, I’m alittle worried about it since I’m the little bunny I am. But I guess necessity always finds a way. It’s almost even intriguing to wait to find out how we’ll deal and what we’ll do to keep this wonderful thing together. Just giving up kink isn’t an option.

    And that’s another thing. I never realized I was kinky either before I met WB, but I did practise some weird (kinky) shit on the sly with my ex. We just never talked about it. And I always talked about kinky shit even though I didn’t realize why I was so intrigued by it. I feel almost embarrased by my former self. How could I not know? I remeber this girl asking me in high school to borrow my fishnets and latex gear and I was like woot? She just said I thought you’d be the kind of person to have them. Haha.

    But I’m a little afraid that the sex will plummet and I don’t know how I’d face a year or more without sex or mostly without. But we’ll see.

  14. And? OF COURSE I READ YOUR BLOG!! Silly. Yeah, I have one of those newfangled RSS readers, gets delivered right to mah inbox.

    *Blushing* Oh. Wow. I thought most of my readers just come for…

    how to fuck ass
    up the ass fuck sex
    trash deepthroat
    where to put clothespins to punish
    i want to fuck my husband up the ass
    theres a penis in my butt and its hurting me
    first time up the ass
    hot face slapping
    out of control face slapping

    😉

  15. I just feel that so many people around me are completely at the mercy of chance when it comes to sex, because they just trust it goes well since it has or hope it’s going to change, but it hasn’t. I’m actuallu quite taken aback with both my sisters’ relationships when I hear how much goes unsaid and how much it causes tension to grow under the surface. I don’t understand it. Why would they be with someone who supposedly “can’t talk” about some things, because they get too angry or scared?

    Well, I did *allll* of those things. So, why did I do them? Well, part of it was that I just had no other examples. Even Cosmo, which purports to be liberated, is all about “secret sex tips.” Nowhere is there any suggestion that you should *gasp* talk to a partner — and in fact, in cases where you have to, the most common advice is: “you should find a therapist.” Read: There’s Something Really Wrong With You.

    I was really blessed by making friends with two non-monogamous women who really thought about and talked about sex — the fact that I could talk to them, and the fact that I had them as role models — was huge. Here were people I respected, who had lives that looked great to me, who also had the expectation that they could talk about sex without it turning into a HUGE BIG DEAL and ending the relationship.

    Beyond not having role models, I also had a lot of baggage from a frightening, violent childhood. This kind of thing made it second nature NOT to reveal very much. I also worried that I was sick — was I trying to re-enact childhood abuse? Why did I get turned on by these things? So I had a lot of work to do on my own, totally separate from working things out with my partner, too.

  16. you dislike children. Somehow that got stuck in my head and changed into a thought that you’d detest reading about wanting or trying for children too.

    Well…to say I don’t like children is kind of an oversimplification…it’s more like I don’t automatically go crazy over every child I meet, like people who gush about how much they “love kids”. To me, kids aren’t in a category of their own where I can claim to like or dislike all of them. They’re just people, and I get along with the quiet artistic ones and don’t know what the hell to say to the rest, just like with grownups. Oh, and also kids tend to have a selfish, oblivious side that really irritates me – running around in public places without caring that they’re in everyone’s way, things like that. Mostly that’s the parents’ fault for not teaching them any better though. I just felt like I should explain all of this so you don’t think I’m a total child-hating monster. 😛

    I do understand, at least a little, why people want to reproduce – I know I never want kids but I still have fun thinking about what a child of mine and Minx’s might look like or act like. I freely admit that I can’t understand why someone would put themselves through trauma and discomfort for it, as you have, but I can sympathize with the basic ideas you write about: wanting something badly, wondering if your partner is keeping you from getting it, trying to reconcile your feelings about that, etc., and I’ve had uterus pain and mood swings for different reasons so I can sympathize with those in a way, too.

    And also, I consider you a friend and like to check in sometimes and see how you’re doing, so… 🙂

  17. And also, I consider you a friend and like to check in sometimes and see how you’re doing, so…

    Aaaaw. Me too. I do agonize over your situations a lot. 🙂 Mostly I just don’t have time to write what I thought about them in your comments, though. I’ll try more to even drop a “hugs” comment.

    And for the wanting children thing. It doesn’t make any sense, if you just try to think about it logically. Well, except for the survival of human kind, but seems that Indians and Chinese are doing that job for all of us. Mot of them probably against their will. If I had to compare it to something, I’d say it’s a mix between needing to express yourself through your art and being healthy or gravely ill. Right now I’m gravely ill, but still able to express myself. But if I could never have children, I’d lose that. That what it feels like anyway.

    I never could imagine what wanting children and not being able to have them would feel like. I never thought it could happen to me. I took it for granted for so long. But I think I always knew I wanted children. I do get along with them quite well – hell, I (partly) work with young people! But I still totally agree with you on the selfish kids and how they irritate me. This is why I’m very strict to even my sister’s kids. 🙂

    Still trying to be hopeful! I had some weird sensations in the gym today after deadlifting, like small spikes pinched my tummy from the inside. And last night I got these pains and thought that my period was starting but it didn’t and the pain was different. So, terribly hopeful!

    …And I actually came here to give you a link! No, really, you, PC. I dunno, if this is up your alley at all, but I liked it, because OMG tease and denial (but not really denial) and the guy speaks and grunts a lot and has a wonderful voice too. Also, after the first few minutes I really got into the whole laughing girl with her boyfriend scenario. See! You don’t have to be a barking the orders kind of domme! It almost seems like the roles are upside down here (she is serving him) but for me it worked incredibly well probably just because of that. Without further ado: here.

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