So what happened after I shut down the computer and went to bed was that I didn’t sleep at all last night. What I mean by that is that when Wonderboy woke up at 6:15 I was awake on the music room bed.
Why didn’t I sleep? There are all sorts of rumours and suppositions about that, but let me tell you what I felt. Every time I rolled over to my side and closed my eyes I felt ill. There was this weird nag and pull on my womb. A couple of times the nausea just produced bigger and bigger waves until I had to walk around a bit and once I actually sat in the bathroom waiting to throw up. But I didn’t. It was a close call, though. After that I took a bowl with me near the bed just in case.
I couldn’t help but think what you all know I’d be thinking. Maybe… just maybe I can hope a little. I obviously went to look for a little information, but mostly I just read infertility blogs. I cried, oh boy did I, reading them. So many miscarriages, so much pain and so little hope. Both of the ones I read ended up happily pregnant although some of their “test scores” were even worse than ours. In a purely statistic, numeral sort of way, which might or might not indicate anything since many infertilities just go without a real reason.
But yeah, I found out that some women, like I have claimed to twice before, actually feel symptoms of the pregnancy even after just a day of the ovulation. They just get to go through it all. Some say that you can only feel the pregnancy after the egg is fertilized and implantated to the womb. Well, I’ve thought about that and I have two reasons to think that it is actually possible.
First, I feel my ovulation. It’s a prickly, sometimes even a very painful stabbing pain. I also sometimes feel the way the follicle goes around there in my fallopian tubes. Mostly in the right one, which is too close to my womb. (Maybe that’s got something to do with it!) It would make perfect sense that there would be so severe changes after the fertilization that I could feel them since I’m all sensitive like that anyway.
And the other one is a medical hypothesis. Since even pregnancies that don’t actually include a fertilized egg and pregnancies outside the womb, which are not implantated, can be shown in the tests, because the pregnancy hormone hcG levels go up. That would indicate, she said with triumph, that it is indeed possibly to not only feel but to have the hormonal changes of pregnancy even if it isn’t implantated. Yet.
This pregnancy hope actually started on wednesday, because I had those severe pains in my womb without any apparent reason. My womb now feels somehow swollen and a bit sore. It might not be anything. It might be something. But if it is something, I so hope it’s going to cope!
I did go to our own bed on Wonderboy’s command and fell asleep quite effortlessly. I woke up 4,5 hours later my heart rasing and nausea building up. I had to go eat something. Now I don’t feel the nausea anymore, but I feel a different kind of sensation. Hope. Fear. Hope. Fear. Hope?
I sent a text message about these feelings and symptoms to Wonderboy and he answered That’s so nice to hear! We can’t know what it is this early. But still! Drink a lot of tea and play the Sims. This is an expert’s advice. And then the usual kisses and so on. Feels good to share even a little bit of hope with him after the discussion we had again last night.
I confronted him, because he didn’t even want to cuddle and wouldn’t take his clothes of. We always cuddle naked. I had just talked to him about a lot of these things happening with me, the hormones, the angriness, the scares, everything and I thought we would be in a good place now. But we weren’t. Finally after much pressuring and hugging he said that he’s just so distraught about the changes I’ve been going through. He said I’m a little like I was before and that has put him back there too. He’s scared and alert.
We talked about him feeling like that and I tried to make him realize that, if he doesn’t talk with me nothing will get better. It’s his way to deal with scary situations by just running away. I’m glad I know him this well, otherwise this could’ve gone on for a while. We also talked about the lack of sex. We have had sex, yes, two to three times a week, but it isn’t as much as either of us would like. The most prominent problem is not the frequency but the lack of enthusiasm and spontaneity. We both are scared and tentative. Wonderboy realized while we talked that he’s blamed himself for being too tired, and I think I have too, but that the real reason is that I don’t want it as much and I don’t enjoy it as much either.
Wonderboy is like that, he’s such a dear, that he doesn’t feel lustful, if I am not. It affects him deeply.
Obviously there’s such a wide range of realizations here and reasons behind it all. It’s exhausting to not be able to conceive. It’s exhausting to take the hormones and face the consequences. Wonderboy said he’s noticed so many changes in me and how exhausted and sad I am all the time. Or most of the time. And I hadn’t known that he notices or knows. Because he hasn’t said anything. Sometimes I’d just like to know that he sees me and the stuff I’m going through for us.
But to possibly happier things. I just took my temperature and it was not its normal 36.6, but 37.0. I know this might be a symptom as well, because my temperature has never risen like this after ovulation – although I checked that it’s supposed to. Might obviously just be the workings of the hormones I’m taking. I also didn’t feel any aggression during ovulation, but it shot up straight after, far too early for PMS to start kicking in. Hmmm…
But I’ll just have to wait and hope for the best.