Love, Pregnancy, Self-Questioning, Volatile bodies, Wonderboy

Four Symptoms and a Father’s Day

It’s hard to concentrate on anything. My womb keeps acting up. Sometimes it feels a little like menstrual cramps, sometimes it’s just this… this unsettledness that keeps me alert. I feel odd, like I should eat something or like I’m hungry even, if I have just eaten.

Even after the 4,5 hours of sleep the other night I had a hard time falling asleep last night and woke up at 8:30 today. My tummy just feels so odd against all surfaces and the odd nausea creeps up the minute I settle into a sleeping position.

By boobs are bigger than normal and my nipples are sore, but that has happened before just because of ovulating. Just not this early.

In the morning I felt quiet nausea again and had to eat a few times before it settled. Same thing last night.

Still a week to go before the moment of truth. It’s gonna be a looong week.

Tomorrow we’ll go see my dad. I hope that turns out okay. Kids, sisters, stepmothers, stepsiblings. All the things to build a nice catastrophe. But they all know about us. Wonderboy was dreading to go and I think just because they know. But I hope it’s going to be better an easier now they know not to ask. We’ll see.

Wonderboy was really attentive today and even asked me, how I’m feeling. I think he meant these symptoms. I think he’s under even more pressure now, because he only has my word for it, and he hopes for it so much. For me it’s more about enduring and trying to no be so mental about the weird feelings. But it was nice to have him ask. I could imagine how it would be, if I really was pregnant. He would be attentive and take care of me. But he seemed worried. Not so much caring. So, I said, hey, it’s wonderful you take care of me, but you don’t have to worry. There’s nothing we can do.

Now I’ve eaten so much junk I don’t usually I can’t even tell which are cramps and which something else. It might even be a good thing. I’m going to watch Bridesmaids now to empty my mind of these things, hopes, dreams and fears.

And oh yeah! We had sex today. Wonderful, satisfying sex. But before that we had almost an hour’s conversation about Wonderboy being too worried and stressed about the baby stuff to even sleep. He woke up at 6 just because he was so stressed out. I tried to calm him, but it seems to me that he always starts to react when there’s really a possibility (well, there always is, but with my symptoms, it’s more real to him) for me to be pregnant. He freaks out.

I read this wonderful and funny story about a couple who had gone through infertility treatments. When the woman had some sort of secretion during late pregnancy, the husband and dad to be just yelled outright, in the brink of panic But the crib is not painted yet! He thought that the baby was coming out.

That’s what I feel like Wonderboy’s doing every time I mention any symptoms that might be pregnancy related. He goes on overload of fear, excitement, planning and worrying. I can understand that, but I can’t do it myself. I have to know I’m pregnant before I start worrying about the school they’ll be schooled in. I guess it’s just hard for Wonderboy to see himself as a dad. He never had a dad, not really. He doesn’t know what dad’s are supposed to be like. And he isn’t good with kids or unexpected situations. So he worries and stresses.

But I know he’ll be a great dad. Because he’s so good with me. He always listens. He takes my words seriously, my feelings into account and remembers. It’s his Father’s day too.

Happy Father’s day everyone!

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