Pregnancy, Self-Questioning, Volatile bodies

Nothing’s Happened

The pain has been like constant hammering. Pinching here and there, more overall pain, but no cramps. It’s been different from period cramps, that’s for sure. I slept again with the help of a painkiller.

And this morning.

My nipples aren’t sore. The pain is still there, now more constant. Different? I can’t tell anymore. And my body temperature is back to normal after being 37.3-36.8 C for two weeks.

And there was a little red hued dot in the toiler paper. Not really a dot, more like a huge red flag.

And I’m thinking, of course. Why would I be pregnant? I’m just going to stay this way, suffer from pains that are perceived as imaginery or just a problem because of my low pain tolerance, and I’m never going to get the result I crave.

Why is my body making me suffer for nothing? Why won’t anyone help me? I feel like something is constantly going wrong with my pregnancies, but no one even thinks they are pregnancies, or much of anything really. Just my imagination.

How could I belive that it would ever work out, when it hasn’t and this is the third time in a year and a half? I feel so beaten down. I know there’s still a slight chance, a hope, but I think this took my hope away. It’s just that it’s happened before. Nothing’s happened before.

The giant and painful flatulance I’ve been suffering from the last couple of days, although my diet hasn’t changed, is still here though. Cheers to that.


8 thoughts on “Nothing’s Happened

  1. Reminds me of an article I read earlier today, regarding Conception vs Pregnancy and the differing opinions of the American College of Gynacollegists (sp ?) and doctors. Will try to find you a link once I’m home and sober.

  2. jnakabb says:

    Hiya Rogue,
    I was on my way home after work drinks (beer tasting at a local brew-house – gotta keep up those phyto-oestrogens or all the work I’ve put in to developing a beer gut will have been wasted) on Friday night (22:37, local time) – and there’s only a limited dictionary available to the editor on my cellphone.

    The article I was referring to is from Reuters and has been reproduced (ahem) on a number of sites – hope this one isn’t too triggery for you. It made me think of your experiences of pregnancy prior to implantation and the hormonal changes that occur, regardless of an implanted embryo.

  3. Thanks for thinking about my feelings. I couldn’t get the link to open. Can you give it again?

    Or is it this one?

    I was on my way home after work drinks (beer tasting at a local brew-house – gotta keep up those phyto-oestrogens or all the work I’ve put in to developing a beer gut will have been wasted) on Friday night (22:37, local time)

    That seems fine and proper. It was day time on a Friday, when I read your comment here. That’s why it took me by surprise. 🙂 People should have time out too! I don’t, mostly, but I bet you even rarerly do.

  4. jnakabb says:

    Yep, that’ll be the original. Dunno what happened to the “a”

    It’s winding up to a crazy time of year over here. We close down for Christmas and New Year (being the Summer holidays in the Southern hemisphere), so everyone is cramming in parties – I have quarterly staff (including Friday night drinks), Client functions and Staff Christmas parties to attend over the next couple of weeks. And then there are the kids end-of-year sports and music events to fit in. And placement interviews for next year’s classes. Not surprising that our alcohol abuse figures soar during summer !

  5. Yeah, no wonder about the alcohol abuse! We have Christmas coming too, but more in the wintery, cold, pitch black kind of depressing way. Parties are the same here, I guess.

    On the article. I can understand, how they’d count on the pregnancy to begin with implantation as a medical field, because it’s the thing you can prove. It’s a lot harder to prove or even to know about the fertilization, except for us women who are more prone to feel that kind of thing. I’d just feel 100% better, if the doctors would just admit that that’s what’s been happening. I worry what it means that the eggs won’t implantate, I worry our bodies reject each other, or just that mine does, and it doesn’t help at all to be taking hormones, which only help with the follicle production, if the problem is implantation. I wouldn’t want to waste any time. I also wouldn’t want to feel any more of these (non)miscarriages, which are traumatizing for me and emotionally and physically exhausting. Could I at least get a break? Two weeks of pains, for nothing, three days of bloodbath and pain like I’m giving birth – and tomorrow I’ll start on the hormones again to feel the (ups) and downs once more. I’ll just have to try to work through my tears, I guess.

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