Craving for more, Hurting, I am a girl, Learning to negotiate, Love, Passing Woman, Self-Questioning, Volatile bodies, Wonderboy

Caught In The Act – Not As Good As In Porn

Everything was fine. After a long dry spell we’d had sex on both monday and tuesday night. I was feeling so happy about it, I thought things were really looking up. So, while we cuddled yesterday night I didn’t have my hopes up, really. I did desire him, but I know him well enough not to expect anything out of him three (workdays) in a row. Suddenly he blurted out,

I probably won’t be able to fuck you today.

I started laughing because it was so out of the blue. I hadn’t really been making any advances, because I know him so well. I thought that he would obviously start grabbing me and toying with me, if there was any chance of sex. Usually at this point I ask, if playing is out of the question too, but I didn’t, because I felt his cock limp and warm in his underpants – which he always takes off to cuddle! I guess there were signs I picked up on about his desire to not have sex.

Later at night he came to quickly kiss me in the bedroom saying that he only wanted to quickly kiss me. Like I would have otherwise taken it as a prelude to sex. I was happy he did. When he was leaving I asked, if I was allowed to play by myself and he said yes. But I didn’t. I kind of felt like it, but because he was so out of it and I was also a little beat from working out the same day and the day before that, I didn’t.

He’d said he would just go brush his teeth and suddenly I noticed the silence that had been going on for a while. It immediately made my heart pound faster. I knew he was jerking off in the other room. It was too silent and he had been away so long. So, I yelped where my baby had gone off too, but I didn’t get any answer. I waited a little more, but then I went across the living room and opened the door.

It was dark and I only saw him in the light of the computer, sitting on the bed, dashing to cover himself and close the programs.

Are you playing in here? I asked in a cheerful voice, because I didn’t want him to feel bad about being caught. I didn’t want to accuse him of doing it. I don’t really accept accusing about sexual needs and fulfilling them.

Yeah, he answered and smiled at me, kind of apologetic but more just grinned.

I closed the door and went back to bed to read stuff I was earlier reading. My heart was pounding in my ears. It’s okay, I thought. I want him to have pleasure. It’s alright.

I could hear Wonderboy creeping off to the bathroom to clean up, and suddenly the realisation that he had to clean up even though I didn’t made me start crying. I felt used. I felt abandoned. I felt forgotten and betrayed. I felt rejected.

He came to the bedroom talking chipperishly about how I could’ve know to barge in at just the right time, but soon quieted down when he didn’t get any feedback. He came to cuddle me and I cried silently tears rolling into my hair.

Did you still get sad? Do you feel like you’re ugly and I don’t want you at all?

No, I answered. No, I don’t feel like that.

Don’t be sad, he said and curled his hands around me. I was facing the other way and tried to grab his hands, to hug him back in a way.

I know it’s different. I know it’s not the same. Masturbating and sex.

It was just because we had such amazing sex yesterday. And since you wanted to play, I thought I’d play. Just a little.

I didn’t. I didn’t play.

You know I’d rather have sex with you. I only want sex with you. And if there would’ve been any chance…

I know.

I just couldn’t fuck you today.

I know.

Or play with you.

That stung. Really? Why was it so easy to jerk off, but not to play with me? Was it just because I would want something too? Was it because it’s so easy for him to get himself off, but for me it takes longer to finish him?

The thoughts balled up in my stomach and made my ribcage too small. I cried again.

I tried to understand. I tried to think that I’d do the same in his situation. But I wouldn’t. How ever way I turned it I couldn’t imagine a situation where I would reject him and then play with myself. I just couldn’t. And from there came the rage.

I just would never do that, I said in between sobs. First reject you and then just go and play by myself. I would never do that to you.

It’s just the hormones, he answered to my neck.

Big mistake.

I froze. Oh, my feelings don’t really matter, because hormones might have something to do with them? I couldn’t imagine a world where this wouldn’t have hurt me. I even thought about saying, how it might have helped, if he would have just told me that he needed to do this. Maybe.

You can’t say that, I said, anger in my voice.

He sighed, let go off me and rolled onto his back.

We’ve talked about this. Why are you so sad all of a sudden? We’ve been over this before.

I felt like I was being accused. I was being childish for being hurt about him pleasuring himself and not doing it with me. I was the bad one. And I knew I was the bad one too. It didn’t help one bit, I was so hurt. I kept playing everything he’d probably been doing in my head and it was too much. I felt like puking. I just could’t understand. I couldn’t deal. I was so angry and hurt I wanted to punch something.

He went on to find his mobile phone charger and I stayed on the bed, holding a pillow, unable to move or feel anything but the pain I was dwelling in. I knew I should let go.

He came back, cuddled me and sang a silly song about not going to bed while you’re angry. When he didn’t get any reaction from me apart from a hoarse yeah, he asked me quite demandingly, if I was at all feeling like getting to bed with him. I had played down my emotions, I’d thought how I love him and that I should sleep here. I didn’t want to go to the other room, because of what had happened there just now. And I didn’t want to sleep on the couch. So, I said yes and went on to the bathroom, came back, took my clothes off like he insisted and laid myself down. He cuddled me from the back, kissed my back. I was in his arms, naked, but he’d positioned himself so that his cock didn’t touch me at all. And I was tensed up. I felt positive repulsion to think about his cock touching me. But it didn’t.

After some time he turned around, which made everything sprung up again. The rejection. The hurt feelings. I was trying to sleep. I was trying to just focus on how much I knew he loves me. But I couldn’t sleep. I could hear him falling asleep behind me and I moved myself away from him so our asses didn’t touch.

After I’d sulked there for a while trying to coach myself to sleep, I could feel his head rise from the bed, looking at me. I took away one earplug and asked what was wrong. He said something about waking up to feel anxious. I asked why, and he answered, because of this. Oh, I answered angrily. He didn’t say anything more even though I waited so I put the earplug back in. I could feel him shifting on the bed and then rising from it.

I took the earplug off again and asked, what are you doing? although I already knew.

I’m going to sleep in the other room, he said. This feels too bad, or something to that effect.

I felt accused again. More over I was being also rejected, abandoned. He wouldn’t even take the time to calm me. He wouldn’t even sleep with me when I was feeling hurt that he’d caused. Even when I’d made the decision to stay and try to focus on the love, which is pretty much the first for me.

He just left.

Like always when there’s a conflict.

He left and I was left on the bed with so much rage I was thinking everything from cutting myself to cutting his computer or throwing the dumbbels out of the window. I didn’t of course, but it took a looong time to wind down. He had left me hanging in so many ways. And I knew there was nothing I could do. I was still too angry to discuss it. He had expressed no desire to discuss this further and had even taken himself away as a precursion.

It didn’t help that he had the audacity to come back and collect the good pillows he sleeps on for the other room. Way to go man. If you want to make your wife more angry and hurt, this is the way to do it.

Somewhere down the line I even had time to think about, how not like my fantasies this caught in the act scene had been. I think it’s mostly because I knew he didn’t want and also aggressively denied me any participation in it. It wasn’t like yeah, babe, get in here and suck this cock. It was more in the lines of fuck off so I can finish. I wonder how ever that could make me feel unloved or dimished?

Anyway. I slept here alone after masturbating just in spite and to wind down. It took ages, I was so sad, really, too sad to do it. But I finished finally and then I slept without dreams until I woke up to hear him making breakfast for himself. I dozed off only to wake up, when he lay down on my tummy to kiss me and tell me, I like you, I like you, I like you. He then asked, if I could hear him through the earplugs and I answered with a hoarse yeah. It wasn’t a loving yeah. It wasn’t what he was expecting.

He thought I’de be okay now, in the morning. He’s done this before, thought that whatever concern I express late at night is just some phase I will wake up without knowing. He does get angry and frustrated and hurt later at night without any apparent reason. I just start to think about everything that’s hurt me in bed, when it’s quiet. I’m afraid to go to bed to face all that. Because then it has to be addressed. But it’s never something that’s not really bothering me.

I’m still angry and hurt. I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want to talk with him or see him. I shut the doors to the other room, where I was working yesterday and my good office chair is there. I don’t want to go there. I feel that my trust has been shattered. Why am I not included? This just goes to show that however paranoid it might seem to be suspecting someone of masturbating the minute they close the door between you two, in my case there’s a reason for it. He’s shut me out so many times, it has made me feel cheated upon, when he does this. How can I be happy, if he chooses to have sex with someone else than me? Sometimes it’s been because he couldn’t deal with a possible rejection, sometimes because I had some hurt feelings or anxieties he couldn’t deal with, sometimes it was him and his feelings. And sometimes it’s been because he’s too exhausted physically. A thing I can not accept, probably because all the other reasons (have) existed too.

I’m resisting the urge to text him something bad. Something hurtful. I’m resisting contacting him in any way. He will have to deal with this. But it will happen face to face.

That’s what you get folks for kicking your loved one out of your sex life. Stings, doesn’t it?

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19 thoughts on “Caught In The Act – Not As Good As In Porn

  1. This isn’t an excuse for Wonderboy reply, just getting that out of the way because obviously the biggest thing here is the miscommunication and not the act itself. But I can say sometimes I just want a release without anything else attached to it. It could be top drop kind of suppressing everything or just not having the focus or maybe I’m just feeling disconnected. But there are times when all I want is to cum without anything else going on. Like I said though, even if that is the case here it probably could have been communicated a tad bit better to you.

  2. This just makes me so angry. I KNOW. I have the same desire to just come, sometimes. But I still wouldn’t reject WB and then go on doing it.

    The LEAST he could do is try to explain it to me. But he decided to take the little child route he usually does when something’s difficult. Just doing it in secret and then blowing in my face for taking it “the wrong way”. But I see (now) that one of the main reasons I felt so cheated was because he wasn’t honest with me. That’s good. That’s progress. I think.

    Thank you for trying to explain WB’s behaviour, but… It’s what I thought already. It doesn’t really help, just makes me more angry. It’s such a selfish need. To brush me off first… Agh. If it’s feeling disconnected, which it was not this time, we should talk about it. We should find the connection, not damage it further.

  3. mousie762 says:

    I don’t know what to say about this from Wonderboy’s perspective. I have never been in a relationship where I had an equal or lower sex drive, or had the more emotionally and situationally fragile drive. So I can’t imagine turning down sex to masturbate.

    I can more easily imagine it from your perspective, though my exes wouldn’t have been interested in masturbating either. So I send you my love and sympathy.

  4. God, I understand this so much. I would feel exactly the same way you do.

    My husband never leaves to sleep anywhere but with me, and I can’t say he’s ever done this, either. But I know exactly what you’re talking about – I would never say “I can’t have sex with you” and then go and masturbate. That would feel so very wrong. As for his masturbation, I’d much prefer for him to use me to get himself off with (literally) no regard for me than to go off by himself and get himself off.

  5. Minx has times when he wants an orgasm just for stress relief, as quickly as possible. I can understand this. But if he knew I wanted sex and he rejected me to go off and wank, I’d be upset, too. I’d want him to at least masturbate with me, next to me. It’s a way to share intimacy and sexuality even if we don’t actually have sex.

    So I understand your anger, Rogue. I would be the exact same way. And I’m baffled that Wonderboy would be so sad about hurting you that he couldn’t sleep, yet he didn’t address the trouble at all – he didn’t think to ask “how can I help you to feel better?” or “would you like to talk about this?” or anything. Maybe he needs you to explain how to properly handle conflict (i.e. by ASKING the person to talk about their feelings!!!)? Or have you explained this and he still doesn’t do it?

  6. maybe it’s because wonderboy and i seem to share similar opinions on the matter, but i really don’t think his intent was to reject you. it’s unfortunate you feel rejected, but i think that might just be how you’re interpreting it. i think masturbation can be very personal and is sometimes meant to be a solo act. i don’t see it as rejecting my partner, but sometimes i need solo play for a multitude of reasons. i would expect that my partner is not going to include me every time he needs to cum or wants to masturbate and i would understand that his decision to fly solo has nothing to do with me. me time, including sexually, is important for a person’s sanity.

  7. Karen,

    Yeah, I know and I agree about the importance of having solo time with your own body. I do. I agree. But see, it doesn’t change the fact that he first rejected me and then went on to masturbate. There’s just no getting around the fact that he didn’t share his sexuality with me but rather with himself and some porn.

    I really don’t think it’s a matter of opinion.

    I need a lot of talking to and explaining and emotional back up with sexual issues anyway. Wonderboy knows this. We’ve been discussing sexuality for 4 whole years, and this is most certainly not the first time this came up. The problem used to be that he didn’t or couldn’t try to sort any conflicts with me, so he went on to masturbate even if I wasn’t even angry at him, but he just thought I might be. It really poisoned a lot for me.

    Because of this it was not right for him to do it in secrecy and not even try to include me, even by explaining what he needed to do. He didn’t trust me enough. That’s what it boils down to.

    So, you still think I had no reason to be hurt or can you see my side at all?

  8. PC,

    the problem was that it was really late and Wonderboy has to get up so early that he already only had 7 hours to sleep. He just weighed the sleeping against settling everything. He also usually wants to “sleep on it” and let some bad feelings fade first. He is really sensitive. But he should’ve tried to communicate all this with me. We discussed it later and he promised to try to communicate better next time. I can wait until tomorrow, but not if he’s just rejecting me, leaving me and expecting everything to just turn right again the next day.

  9. Conina,

    I’d much prefer for him to use me to get himself off with (literally) no regard for me than to go off by himself and get himself off.

    Exactly. And he knows this. He knows that’s all I want. He knew I wanted to have sex, too, because I asked a permission to play by myself, when he didn’t feel like it. But he decided that I was too fragile on the hormones to talk with any of this stuff and did it behind my back. Which never works.

  10. Thank you Mousie.

    We talked about the mismatched desires and he said that it isn’t easy to feel that you aren’t enough or can’t fully satisfy your lover. It was an intense conversation. It must be really hard to admit, even to himself.

  11. i wasn’t trying to downplay your hurt feelings, just to offer a perspective from the flip side of the coin. ultimately i was just trying to say that maybe if he’s like me, he doesn’t see it as rejecting you and didn’t intend to hurt you. obvi, i don’t know wonderboy at all and he & i might be as different as night & day!
    maybe your post is invoking a reaction from me because if my partner felt the way you do, i would feel guilty about wanting to masturbate and then i would get annoyed/mad about feeling guilty and i can get quite nasty when i’m like that, so no bueno for him (or for me, really)! maybe b/c i feel this way about masturbating, it’s easy for me to not feel rejected when a partner masturbates alone without including me at all.

    you and i have different experiences/thoughts/relationships/etc… so while i wouldn’t have felt hurt in this situation, i understand that you did.

  12. Thank you for clearing that uo, Karen. I was a bit defencive, because I recognise everyone’s right to their own pleasure and body. So, I kind of already blame myself for feeling this way. Eh, what can you do? Except keep on talking and writing here and trying to sort those feelings out.

    maybe your post is invoking a reaction from me because if my partner felt the way you do, i would feel guilty about wanting to masturbate and then i would get annoyed/mad about feeling guilty and i can get quite nasty when i’m like that

    This is a very important point, one that might actually be there working against us. I think Wonderboy does feel guilty, but since we’ve been through this from the beginning of our relationship, he knows he shouldn’t be feeling that. I think he feels guilty about lots of things anyway, regarding sex, since he’s the one who wants it less (and he’s the man!) and he’s the one who wants to hurt and dominate and take away all my control… It’s probably easy to see, how that might lead to some guilt, yeah? I wouldn’t want to add to the load, but obviously, if I do get real hurt, we need to deal with it, because it’s not going to go away by just stating that there’s really no reason for it. Even if that was kind of true.

  13. jnakabb says:

    LOTS of familiar issues here.

    I can imagine that WonderBoy would have been confused by your cheerful “catching him out” and coming to you in such a state, after having cleaned himself up. “Why are you so sad all of a sudden.

    “Just the hormones”. That must have made you feel so mad. (I know I have that effect on my wife when I drop such improperly timed dismissive comments).

    so that his cock didn’t touch me at all..I felt positive repulsion to think about his cock touching me…he turned around, which made everything sprung up again. The rejection. Sounds like a no-win situation. WB wasn’t encouraged to touch you, but hurt you when he stopped doing so (again, familiar).

    “I’m going to sleep in the other room”…I was being also rejected, abandoned. I’ll have to see when my attempts at being considerate and conceding the bed (and not submitting my partner to snoring, to add insult to injury) has the same effect.

    He will have to deal with this. But it will happen face to face. And that’s the best way to avoid further misunderstandings.

    Hope you can put aside time to talk through these problems, in the very near future. And that I remember to take my own advice more often.

  14. Jnakabb,

    It’s hard to take your own advice, isn’t it? Sometimes you just have to spell out, how you are taking the other one into consideration. (Leaving the bed, so she’ll get sleep…)

    The rejection. Sounds like a no-win situation. WB wasn’t encouraged to touch you, but hurt you when he stopped doing so (again, familiar).

    Everybody just wants to be loved and cuddled, but it doesn’t work, if you can’t say you’re sorry first.

    It was pretty hard to try to make him understand. He was so willing to pin me as the villain and interpreted all my initiatives as being judged. But we made it through.

  15. jnakabb says:

    Maybe … ominous instead of sinister ?

    I’m surprised that after nearly 25 years together, we still allow the pain, indignation, fear and defensiveness get in the way of the love, forgiveness and generosity that eventually shines through. We heal faster, but carry more scars.

  16. If it helps at all, I would have felt hurt and rejected too. Sexuality is meant to be shared… does that mean he doesn’t want me? or love me? or want to share that part of himself with me? etc. I’d have worried about it and felt really hurt as well.
    I hope you two feel better now though!

  17. Thank you Sexperts. Those are some things that went through my head for sure. Part of me doesn’t understand, how hurt I was then, but part of me remembers. That part probably hasn’t forgiven, still. I don’t ask for his permission to play anymore. I don’t feel under his hand anymore. I feel lost somehow. It’s not a good place for me this messy-headedness. Leads to stupid hurtful things. And not wanting or even enjoying sex. I’ve raised walls between us and now they are there like they used to be with my ex. I don’t know what to do about that.

    I should probably add that it’s not all about the masturbation incident, it’s a lot about the baby not happening incident. 😦

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