Guess what I got for Christmas? Nipple clamps and a collar. A collar to call my own! I also got a leash and I sure need one. Because I spent a night with another man.
The story starts when I couldn’t sleep on Friday night. I felt exhausted, but also really tense. My body was acting out and my ovary was hurting – probably because I took the last of the hormones at least 6 hours late, because I’d stayed at my friend’s house. Anyway, I couldn’t sleep, it was almost the Christmas morning we’d been waiting for and preparing for. I was just putting my game out of business when suddenly this icon appeared. Wonderboy had left Steam open and his workmate was messaging him. But I was the only one there.
Now this was a guy, we’ll call him Joe, that I’d heard so much about. I’ve heard about his trips to Thailand – and what that entailed. I’d heard about his commitment issues. I knew a lot about him. So, I kind of felt like I knew him.
I messaged him back stating that it was only me the bad wife who couldn’t sleep. We started discussing games and suddenly we were having a real conversation. He opened a bottle of wine and we started finding songs for each other on the Youtube. It was just what I needed, though I did feel a little guilty. I knew that I should be sleeping so I could do nice things with Wonderboy the next day. I also sort of felt that I shouldn’t be talking with his workmate through the night. Especially since we talked about love and sex and whatnot. But I was so happy that there was someone there, awake and lonely and suffering from anxiety like I was.
It was also… very intriguing. I’d heard so much about his problems that I already had a lot to say to him. Sure enough he started opening up to me, which I took as a sign of loneliness and also maybe as some kind of cry for help. I also wondered a teensy bit why he’d tell me secrets, which he swore me to not tell Wonderboy. I didn’t answer those lightly, but I did promise after a while. I thought about the fact that he couldn’t see me and didn’t in fact have to deal with the reality that I am his workmate’s wife. Although we did discuss that also in the way that I told him how incredibly happy I am (and also ended up eluding to the fact that Wonderboy’s a superior lover to any I’ve encountered… but that was his take on my words more than my own doing).
The problems obviously hit me, when Wonderboy woke up and I was still up and in full discussion with Joe. Wonderboy was hurt and angry. He didn’t like me bonding with a guy, let alone his friend from work. He was also sad, because he realized I’d have to sleep through Christmas eve and we’d had a bunch of plans. We were home alone, had ditched every gathering and relative party to just be together. And I had spent the night with another man.
I don’t know how I feel now. There’s been so much that’s been under the waters and it only started coming up now. Why I felt so lonely that I spent the night with Joe, who really, doesn’t mean anything to me, even though Wonderboy was home. Joe could’ve been anyone (and I suspect the same applies the other way around). I just needed someone to take my mind off everything. He did and I’m thankful of that. But I’m also remorseful, because I did something that hurt Wonderboy. I am not to do it again, to have discussions with Joe in any way, and I also kind of feel sorry for that.
That I think is problematic. I’ve turned myself inside out to see what lingers there, but I can’t be sure.
Joe was hurting. He needed somenone so bad. I could relate. I wanted to help. But he also sounded a lot like this guy I used to date, a really emotionally fucked up guy the Music man. There was something very recognisable in Joe. Something very cute in his fragility and defenciveness. And he really didn’t want me to go.
I’ve had this problem I think I’ve mentioned before that I desire to see myself through other’s eyes. My fantasies are seen through the male gaze and my infatuations spring from seeing myself with someone else’s eyes. I really liked what I saw through his. There was no pain about infertility there, because I never would’ve told him. There was true romance in the woman who discussed with Joe. The thing is I think this is what many people find attractive about new partners. The unknown in themselves. They get to recreate themselves. I got to shed the heavy burden I’ve been under for so long it takes my breath away. He was probably showing his best face to me, the face that was his fragile, lonely self. I’m not as clueless as to say the real self, because his words made me wonder, if this was actually a tactic of his to get girls to like him. I’ve met guys like that after all.
But I haven’t felt like that in a while so long I can barely grasp it.
You understand that I’m facing emotional turmoil the size of an A-Bomb right about now?
My feelings are vigorously trying to free me from this binding relationship. This hurt.
Hurt people hurt people, he said. I was like yeah. It struck me somehow. I could understand him so well and in doing so I somehow understood myself better too. Why can I only see myself, when I’m reflected on someone else?
I feel I’ve been hurt enough now.
Today we tried to discuss things with Wonderboy. He stopped taking his anxiety medication before Christmas, because it made him unable to come. It was too much pressure, when he knew I’d be ovulating soon – even though I suggested he stay on them and we let this month pass by. I’d already done the hormones so he had to do his share.I was trying to tell him how trapped I felt, how I felt that no one would listen to my pain. All I get as an answer is Yeah, it’s bad, but you have to go through with it.
I don’t know what I want anymore, I said.
But do you want a baby? he asked me.
I didn’t answer for a long time. Then I said, I don’t know. I feel like I can’t carry the burden anymore. It’s too much for me to bare.
I thought about carrying a newborn in my arms, I have the memory of carrying Faith’s child in my arms and cradling him to sleep, and thought that I could never give that dream up. Then I thought about having an older child, in his reflection. I couldn’t imagine it nor could I imagine being pregnant. I don’t believe in it, yet again. I don’t believe we can.
But wouldn’t you be devastated, if we didn’t go through with this and you never had a child? Wonderboy asked.
I didn’t answer to that.
Come here, come cuddle with me, he said.
Do you want a child? I asked him in return against his chest where my tears were rolling now.
I don’t know, he said. I want one, if you want one.
And that is the line between us. That is why I feel so alone. I am alone. With the pain and the need. Just me.
But will you carry your share, love them and take care of them? Will you be a real father to them? I asked still.
I will, he said, but then added, I’ll be a lousy father.
You’ll be a great father. You are so great with me.
No, I won’t. If I can’t even face everyday life, how could I be a good father?
But I’m broken too and I still think I can make a good mother.
You know when you put ginger bread in the oven? You know when there’s a difference, if it’s almost cooked or if it’s plain dough?
You mean you’re the dough and I’m almost cooked?
He nodded and tears rolled onto his shirt. He took a planket and dried them off, such a giant he is.
And we’re right back where we started at, he added. I’m not on the meds anymore, my doctor has changed and I can’t get a therapist, because I live so far away from where I work. It’s just not possible.
So, I decided. He’ll not resign, but he’ll take any old job he can find here. Any. When it ends as it surely will, they are so short term now, he’ll get by with the financial aid and his nest egg. And then he can go to therapy, because he will be living here and he will have time. And then, maybe one day, he’ll feel that he can be a good father. Just like I know I’ll be a great mother and a great wife. Even though I get infatuated with other men, shitty or nice, bright or gentle and sometimes end up hurting the ones I truly love.
You ever fear that he’d cheat? Or you? Joe asked me when I told him I don’t want anyone else, and that he could get past his past cheating too. We are not the mistakes we made in the past, I made my point. I don’t know, if he believed me there. But he did believe my answer:
Of course. All the time.
And that’s all I have to say right now. I’m afraid of what I’ll do, if I’m pushed long still. I feel the need to wear my collar all the time, not just when he shows me my place. When he decends upon me and punishes me. I need his hand to be adamant. I need him to save me. And that is not a good thing. I shouldn’t need a sign – I already have it. I should be my own saviour.
But love is a fickle thing. So so am I.