Hurting

A Night With Another Man

Guess what I got for Christmas? Nipple clamps and a collar. A collar to call my own! I also got a leash and I sure need one. Because I spent a night with another man.

The story starts when I couldn’t sleep on Friday night. I felt exhausted, but also really tense. My body was acting out and my ovary was hurting – probably because I took the last of the hormones at least 6 hours late, because I’d stayed at my friend’s house. Anyway, I couldn’t sleep, it was almost the Christmas morning we’d been waiting for and preparing for. I was just putting my game out of business when suddenly this icon appeared. Wonderboy had left Steam open and his workmate was messaging him. But I was the only one there.

Now this was a guy, we’ll call him Joe, that I’d heard so much about. I’ve heard about his trips to Thailand – and what that entailed. I’d heard about his commitment issues. I knew a lot about him. So, I kind of felt like I knew him.

I messaged him back stating that it was only me the bad wife who couldn’t sleep. We started discussing games and suddenly we were having a real conversation. He opened a bottle of wine and we started finding songs for each other on the Youtube. It was just what I needed, though I did feel a little guilty. I knew that I should be sleeping so I could do nice things with Wonderboy the next day. I also sort of felt that I shouldn’t be talking with his workmate through the night. Especially since we talked about love and sex and whatnot. But I was so happy that there was someone there, awake and lonely and suffering from anxiety like I was.

It was also… very intriguing. I’d heard so much about his problems that I already had a lot to say to him. Sure enough he started opening up to me, which I took as a sign of loneliness and also maybe as some kind of cry for help. I also wondered a teensy bit why he’d tell me secrets, which he swore me to not tell Wonderboy. I didn’t answer those lightly, but I did promise after a while. I thought about the fact that he couldn’t see me and didn’t in fact have to deal with the reality  that I am his workmate’s wife. Although we did discuss that also in the way that I told him how incredibly happy I am (and also ended up eluding to the fact that Wonderboy’s a superior lover to any I’ve encountered… but that was his take on my words more than my own doing).

The problems obviously hit me, when Wonderboy woke up and I was still up and in full discussion with Joe. Wonderboy was hurt and angry. He didn’t like me bonding with a guy, let alone his friend from work. He was also sad, because he realized I’d have to sleep through Christmas eve and we’d had a bunch of plans. We were home alone, had ditched every gathering and relative party to just be together. And I had spent the night with another man.

I don’t know how I feel now. There’s been so much that’s been under the waters and it only started coming up now. Why I felt so lonely that I spent the night with Joe, who really, doesn’t mean anything to me, even though Wonderboy was home. Joe could’ve been anyone (and I suspect the same applies the other way around). I just needed someone to take my mind off everything. He did and I’m thankful of that. But I’m also remorseful, because I did something that hurt Wonderboy. I am not to do it again, to have discussions with Joe in any way, and I also kind of feel sorry for that.

That I think is problematic. I’ve turned myself inside out to see what lingers there, but I can’t be sure.

Joe was hurting. He needed somenone so bad. I could relate. I wanted to help. But he also sounded a lot like this guy I used to date, a really emotionally fucked up guy the Music man. There was something very recognisable in Joe. Something very cute in his fragility and defenciveness. And he really didn’t want me to go.

I’ve had this problem I think I’ve mentioned before that I desire to see myself through other’s eyes. My fantasies are seen through the male gaze and my infatuations spring from seeing myself with someone else’s eyes. I really liked what I saw through his. There was no pain about infertility there, because I never would’ve told him. There was true romance in the woman who discussed with Joe. The thing is I think this is what many people find attractive about new partners. The unknown in themselves. They get to recreate themselves. I got to shed the heavy burden I’ve been under for so long it takes my breath away. He was probably showing his best face to me, the face that was his fragile, lonely self. I’m not as clueless as to say the real self, because his words made me wonder, if this was actually a tactic of his to get girls to like him. I’ve met guys like that after all.

But I haven’t felt like that in a while so long I can barely grasp it.

You understand that I’m facing emotional turmoil the size of an A-Bomb right about now?

My feelings are vigorously trying to free me from this binding relationship. This hurt.

Hurt people hurt people, he said. I was like yeah. It struck me somehow. I could understand him so well and in doing so I somehow understood myself better too. Why can I only see myself, when I’m reflected on someone else?

I feel I’ve been hurt enough now.

Today we tried to discuss things with Wonderboy. He stopped taking his anxiety medication before Christmas, because it made him unable to come. It was too much pressure, when he knew I’d be ovulating soon – even though I suggested he stay on them and we let this month pass by. I’d already done the hormones so he had to do his share.I was trying to tell him how trapped I felt, how I felt that no one would listen to my pain. All I get as an answer is Yeah, it’s bad, but you have to go through with it.

I don’t know what I want anymore, I said.

But do you want a baby? he asked me.

I didn’t answer for a long time. Then I said, I don’t know. I feel like I can’t carry the burden anymore. It’s too much for me to bare.

I thought about carrying a newborn in my arms, I have the memory of carrying Faith’s child in my arms and cradling him to sleep, and thought that I could never give that dream up. Then I thought about having an older child, in his reflection. I couldn’t imagine it nor could I imagine being pregnant. I don’t believe in it, yet again. I don’t believe we can.

But wouldn’t you be devastated, if we didn’t go through with this and you never had a child? Wonderboy asked.

I didn’t answer to that.

Come here, come cuddle with me, he said.

Do you want a child? I asked him in return against his chest where my tears were rolling now.

I don’t know, he said. I want one, if you want one.

And that is the line between us. That is why I feel so alone. I am alone. With the pain and the need. Just me.

But will you carry your share, love them and take care of them? Will you be a real father to them? I asked still.

I will, he said, but then added, I’ll be a lousy father.

You’ll be a great father. You are so great with me.

No, I won’t. If I can’t even face everyday life, how could I be a good father?

But I’m broken too and I still think I can make a good mother.

You know when you put ginger bread in the oven? You know when there’s a difference, if it’s almost cooked or if it’s plain dough?

You mean you’re the dough and I’m almost cooked?

He nodded and tears rolled onto his shirt. He took a planket and dried them off, such a giant he is.

And we’re right back where we started at, he added. I’m not on the meds anymore, my doctor has changed and I can’t get a therapist, because I live so far away from where I work. It’s just not possible.

So, I decided. He’ll not resign, but he’ll take any old job he can find here. Any. When it ends as it surely will, they are so short term now, he’ll get by with the financial aid and his nest egg. And then he can go to therapy, because he will be living here and he will have time. And then, maybe one day, he’ll feel that he can be a good father. Just like I know I’ll be a great mother and a great wife. Even though I get infatuated with other men, shitty or nice, bright or gentle and sometimes end up hurting the ones I truly love.

You ever fear that he’d cheat? Or you? Joe asked me when I told him I don’t want anyone else, and that he could get past his past cheating too. We are not the mistakes we made in the past, I made my point. I don’t know, if he believed me there. But he did believe my answer:

Of course. All the time.

And that’s all I have to say right now. I’m afraid of what I’ll do, if I’m pushed long still. I feel the need to wear my collar all the time, not just when he shows me my place. When he decends upon me and punishes me. I need his hand to be adamant. I need him to save me. And that is not a good thing. I shouldn’t need a sign – I already have it. I should be my own saviour.

But love is a fickle thing. So so am I.

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10 thoughts on “A Night With Another Man

  1. Well, first, hugs. Second, is it possible you are being too hard on yourself? I’m trying to figure out exactly what you see as the big betrayal here. Is it because he was a guy? WB’s coworker? What if he’d been female? I ask because sometimes you just need to talk to someone who shares some of your experiences or perspective, and sometimes that has to be someone who isn’t your partner.

  2. I thought about that, the possibility that I’m too hard on myself. But the fact that it hurt Wonderboy is what makes it such a grave betrayal. It would’ve obviously been totally okay, if it would’ve been with a woman. I also think that Wonderboy was hurt that I was trying to steal his friend away. You have to remember that he doesn’t have any. Also, he really didn’t want the coworker to know about my sexuality or ours, didn’t want us to bond (his word). Joe’s been acting like a real asshole towards some women and also generally kind of towards women in general. (See: also prostitutes in Thailand) I think that WB doesn’t want to show him too much of himself and is maybe a little threatened by his masculinely accepted but pretty misogynistic ways. And maybe WB even thinks or fears that he’d somehow enthrall me too. I don’t know.

    And yeah. I really needed it. Even though I wasn’t the one pouring my soul out as much as he was. But maybe that’s just why. Sometimes you (by you I mean me of course) just need to feel that somenone’s in the same position as you.

  3. AndrewVanbergen says:

    It seems to me that your BDSM relationship is magnifying your normal relationship problems. How can Wonderboy ever afford to slip up when he’s your master and you’ve given him such power over you? How can you forgive yourself for a slip when you’re supposed to be his slave? I think you both have to remember that both of you will continue to make normal human errors.

  4. AndrewVanbergen says:

    Joe is a manipulative asshole. Meeting another man’s wife, a coworker so she’s local, on IM and telling her things that you get her to swear not to tell her husband, the first time you chat? Total asshole, and the way he badgered you into to swearing shows the manipulation in action.

    He is honestly emotionally fucked up, but I would not bet a dime on anything else he said being honest, including those things that made him seem hurt and vulnerable. (Not that they’re all lies, it’s probably mostly true but presented to make you want to help him.) BTW, leading off with identifying yourself as “the bad wife who couldn’t sleep” showed him your vulnerability. We all need to be open sometimes, but there are people out there who will take advantage.

    Wonderboy is upset partly because he knows Joe is exactly the classic manipulative bad-boy that stereotypically, women have affairs with or go off with (to be dumped a few years later). If it was a guy across the world who you couldn’t meet, it wouldn’t be so bad; if it was a guy Wonderboy knew was a nice, honorable guy, it wouldn’t be so bad. But it’s the guy the girl is talking about in this cartoon. (scroll down)
    http://justjean.tumblr.com/post/755670677/loveinlasvegas-its-gonna-hurt-like-a

    I think it was Holly Pervocracy that posted long ago about how women can recognize women who are manipulative bitches from a mile away, and wonder why men go for them; and men can likewise recognize player dicks from a mile away, and wonder why women go for them. But so few of us seem to be able to recognize it when it’s the other gender. Certainly I’ve had that problem. Forgive yourself, but stay away from Joe. He’ll want to follow up if you gave him any way to, and he’ll make it sound like you will wound him horribly after all he shared if you cut him off; that’s one of the places you’ll see the manipulation if you’re looking for it. But what, you talked one night? Did you ask him to share? You owe him nothing, but he’ll make it sound like you do owe him.

  5. I think you both have to remember that both of you will continue to make normal human errors.

    Absolutely. You are so right. It doesn’t help that he’s been unable to be my master now that he’s had to focus on getting his emotional shit together. I feel neglected, maybe even a bit bitter. But it’ll change again as it has before. Everything will be good again.

  6. Andrew,

    On Joe being an asshole. Yeah, I agree with you. He’s… not to be trusted that’s for sure. But I think you probably see even a bigger ass, where I see also a very lost boy. He spends his days playing online, right? He’s alone and lonely – so that’s what he does. But he hasn’t been online playing after the talk. I think, and I might be wrong, that he realized that it was not okay after it happened. I ended the conversation telling “I’m gonna go cuddle Wonderboy”. He doesn’t know that WB would be angry… Except he might be afraid. He might be afraid that I tell the things to WB, – there was only one that was really a secret, so I told some of the other stuff to WB and he said he knew already – he might realize how fucked up it was to talk me up all night now that seeing WB at the office is on again. I sure wait what’ll happen tomorrow when they meet. I’m expecting to be thrown under the bus about the things I said, because that seems to be the way his defences work. But it won’t fuck up our relationship, because hey, I’ve already talked about those things with WB. I have no secrets, even if Joe might have. I just don’t think he’ll be as much of an asshole as you think (well, we’ll see), since he’s even been hiding from his normal playing field. (How sad really!)

    So, I do think I recognize an asshole when I see one or hear about one. I wouldn’t normally give a guy like this a chance. But it was WB’s workmate. And there was stuff I wanted him to realize. Although the realization doesn’t come like this, but still. I’ve spent my life talking with guys about their girl troubles. My best friends used to be guys. Usually they just needed a gilr to tell it all to, because they could be honest about their blunders. With guys there’s so much of the macho competition going on, I think many men just can’t trust each other enough. And I’m a woman so I can say how I’d react to what they’ve done.

    Back to Joe.

    If it was a guy across the world who you couldn’t meet, it wouldn’t be so bad; if it was a guy Wonderboy knew was a nice, honorable guy, it wouldn’t be so bad.

    I think you’re right. Also, Wonderboy only got angry after I said we also talked about sex. I know super inappropriate, but I always do. (See this whole blog for more details!) This time, though, WB will probably have to hear about it later on…

    He is honestly emotionally fucked up, but I would not bet a dime on anything else he said being honest, including those things that made him seem hurt and vulnerable.

    Yeah. Because I’ve been around the block a few times I detected him trying to lure my empathy in the way he told his story. But his problems are still real and valid. He’s acting like an asshole, and he needs to wake up and see that it’s not okay no matter how hurt he is. But he’s been alone a long, long time, pondered suicide like WB before he met me… I just feel that if these two guys could open up to each other, they could maybe even help each other! Sure, the other one’s pretty much acting like a real dick and the other one’s a perfect gentleman (guess which is which!), but I think the core of their problems is the same. Fear of being rejected. I have hope left for the Joe’s of the world.

    And I also have to claim some responsibility. It was my job as much as his to realize the situation and shut it down. I’m the one in the relationship.

  7. AndrewVanbergen says:

    Maybe I’m being too hard on Joe. I share my problems with women rather than men too; but I try very hard never to be a wedge between a wife and her husband, which swearing the wife to secrecy does. Never tell anyone but your husband? Fine. Never tell your husband? I would never ask that.

    Manipulative people certainly have real and valid problems; the thing is they don’t care much about what you feel, only about what they feel. They listen as long as it gives them useful levers, then forget you and what they did to you and you did to yourself (trying to help them) when they’re done with you.

    In terms of “the bad wife who couldn’t sleep” showing vulnerability; the first big thing is identifying yourself as bad. If you are telling others you are bad first thing, it is not a sign of high self-esteem. Second, “who couldn’t”: if you are saying you are bad because of something you can’t do rather than something you won’t do, you are leading off by hinting that you deserve punishment for something you can’t change. That coming first thing to a stranger hints strongly that you want punishment.

  8. In terms of “the bad wife who couldn’t sleep” showing vulnerability; the first big thing is identifying yourself as bad. If you are telling others you are bad first thing, it is not a sign of high self-esteem. Second, “who couldn’t”: if you are saying you are bad because of something you can’t do rather than something you won’t do, you are leading off by hinting that you deserve punishment for something you can’t change. That coming first thing to a stranger hints strongly that you want punishment.

    Oh my. I never realized I was such a tease. He did follow up by asking me what’s wrong, if I can’t sleep. I never thought about it the way you deconstruct it, but I think you’re right. Hence the “oh my”. It was 3.30 in the morning so I though that by general standards it could be considered “bad” to not be sleeping. And I think mostly no one is awake at 3.30, if they can sleep, so I already knew he had the same problem. Except he didn’t recognize it as such and it took some explaining to let him know why I did. (Because I have someone to wake up for, I said.)

    He came back to my statement near the end to say that “I hope you’re not staying up, because you said you’re bad. You can go to bed, if you’re tired.” I guess he took the “bad” as an positive adjective. Like I was trying to say that I’m cool bad and then I had to try to live by my statement. (My answer was: “Hey, I’m not up, because of you”.)

    You know I did think about the secrecy thing when he asked me about it. It was just one thing and after hearing it (it was about performance) I understand why he wouldn’t want WB to know. He did ask, if it’s even possible or appropriate to expect I won’t share something with WB. I asked him to wait a minute, then stated that if it’s not about WB or work etc. I think I can oblige and not tell him. And I really think WB would be incredibly uncomfortable knowing. The secret was also the kind that actually isn’t very… luring. 😉

  9. the thing is they don’t care much about what you feel, only about what they feel. They listen as long as it gives them useful levers, then forget you and what they did to you

    This might be true about him. Wonderboy had just the week before expressed that Joe seems to be kind of an asshole in his regard to this woman his dating. I’d thought so even before, when WB told me what they’d been discussing. And if he’s an asshole to one woman… Well, it’s not like he’s gonna treat every other woman better, is it?

    Also, he was very defencive about the prostitution conversation even though he brought it up right away. I mean in the first half an hour. It’s clearly something that’s bothering him and something he’s trying to justify to himself. I think he’s pretty lost, because he thought he could’ve had a real relationship with one of the ladies. The one’s he had to pay to be in his company. There’s really no nice way to let someone know, how you feel about that and I did insult him with what I said even though I was trying to be real careful.

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