BDSM, Hurting, Learning to negotiate, Love, Male Lead Relationship stuff, Wonderboy

My Punishment – Not What I Thought It Was

I guess I never told you what my punishment was for bonding with Joe. There were a couple.

He hit me. In the face. Mercilessly. Until I cried. Then he held me and said he loved me. He does this nowadays, tells me after we’ve had sex or a hitting scene that he loves me even though he hurt me. He also said he wouldn’t fuck me that day – and he didn’t.

When we did fuck, we used the new toys. Or more spesifically he used them on me. I think I was hurt. I think not only talking with this other man, but bonding with him and him making me feel… special, desired, painless had affected me, shaked me to my core. I actually didn’t want to have sex with Wonderboy. I couldn’t feel anything.

I really don’t feel like describing it more. The next time was okay, because I did all the work on top and somehow could get lost in the moment. But the time we had to have sex because of the ovulation. I just wanted to say no, when he was on top of me putting his hand around his cock and guiding it in. I wanted none of it and still I stayed silent. He got me off by forcing his whole hand in my mouth. The small moment there was intense. But although I kinda had an orgasm (hah), I still didn’t feel anything. Anything. The cock inside me felt just mostly uncomfortable probing my folds. It made me feel nausea.

I’ve been wondering why it’s so hard for me to say what I want and don’t want. We always come back to this, no matter how far I think I’ve come. I don’t say it. Feminist Sub once said to me that maybe I’m too hard on myself. After yesterday I think I might have been. Or more to the point, we both have been.

When he hit me as a punishment for talking with Joe, as I started to cry or a little before, I thought about safewording. It wasn’t what I wanted. It was too real. He was hurt. He felt angry. I was very, very hurt and fragile for thinking the things I had. I felt he broke me somehow as I started to cry. It wasn’t any scene in my head. That is a huge problem. And I didn’t safeword, because I thought it would be odd and he wouldn’t understand, because it wasn’t a scene and we weren’t having sex. I feel like crying when I read that.

I did confront him about it later on. He said he wasn’t angry and that it was play to him. But I said I didn’t feel it. Just like I don’t feel him owning me in any way now. I don’t feel anything, but resentment. Resentment for him not owning me and being my master. Resentment for him not making me pregnant. Resentment for his building emotional problems, which make my life miserable.

The thing is. Yesterday he got angry to the point of absurdity, because I had played on the computer the whole night. But he hadn’t asked me, if he could play or even said he’d like to play. At one point I asked him, if he’d like to play, but he didn’t answer. According to him it was too late. So, then came the accusations of my emotional incapability. How I don’t take his emotions into consideration. How I should’ve asked him what he wanted to do! Because I didn’t, it was all my fault.

Okay, so he’s not taking the anti-depressants anymore. I asked him, if he could see this just as one of the outcomes of that. He said he’s been more happy now, without the pills, and was happy before he got home. Before he tried to hug me, but I was more interested in doing the dishes than hugging him.

I know what’s wrong here. I know it. But I can’t say it.

Finally he confessed that he didn’t know, why he couldn’t ask me to get to play. Why he was so afraid that I would reject him that he didn’t even ask. And I was like Aha! This is your problem with everything! With sex too! You never initiate, because rejection is so scary to you. But It didn’t go anywhere from there. I said I know I’ve been off. We had sex the day before, the ovulation sex, and I just didn’t feel anything. That must have left a mark on his heart. I said this to him and he nodded. He was crying, curled up in the music room sofa and he had been there brooding the whole night. I had no idea that he was so bent out of shape, because he said nothing about it to me! I hugged him, caressed his hair… and didn’t feel anything. I felt no real tenderness or love or anything. I just didn’t feel anything. But I wanted him to feel better.

I don’t know how to tie this all together. I decided to go through the emotional loop with Joe, one which has absolutely nothing to do with Joe and everything to do with my need to save every man that’s ever been an clueless, fragile asshole. So, I masturbated to him. Oh yeah. Great – you’d think, right? If you’re infatuated with someone. But no, I didn’t feel anything except huge emotional burden. Like my heart jumps, when I hear about him. I mean come on, the guy is just some guy! Why this turmoil over nothing?

I did come after two hours of trying, but I had to shift my fantasies to Wonderboy and back, because it didn’t work otherwise. Which I think is kind of reassuring. Anyway, it seemed to help. My heart’s not so attached to Joe anymore. I remember the horrible gut wrenching feeling when you really like someone and you’re starting on a relationship or just dating and then you suddenly realize your infatuation is fading. You see all his flaws and wonder, how you ever could think you liked him that much. This is a feeling I get every morning, when Wonderboy kisses me as he leaves to work. I wake up, don’t remember who he is and have this sort of revelation that I’m with the wrong man. It breaks my heart, because I don’t feel anything towards him. Then I remember, and it only leaves a certain shadow in my heart. What if one day the love’s gone?

But this, my experiment on going through the emotional cycle, it was helpful. It helped me. I realized how it’s nto a bad thing to let the emotion go. How I’m not rejected, if I do so and don’t really lose anything. Tears welled up in my eyes and I almost, almost, could feel the very palpable sorrow that wells behind the resentment and behind the not feeling anything. And POOF it was gone. I wasn’t ready to let go of this feeling. I want him to make me.

I wonder, if something like this would help us. The simplest things seem to work. And I’m relieved to say that all this sound familiar, so this is probably something that every d/s couple has to face at one point and also another. My mind understand’s the stress we’re under. My heart cannot forgive for him for making me face this. I don’t know how to change that.

He put the collar on me to remind me that I’m owned, but when the sex was bad and I was so out I couldn’t even say it, I realized I needed him to take it off. He took it off immediately, when I asked anxiously.

What can I do to make things better? he asked and I answered, Nothing. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do.

I just need to fuck and come inside you?

Yes.

And he turned me around, fucked me from behind and came in under a minute. I on the other hand – – didn’t feel anything.

So here we are.

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7 thoughts on “My Punishment – Not What I Thought It Was

  1. Grace and I went through a very rough patch that ended earlier this year. Her family was dragging her down and I was helpless to do anything about it. The only thing I did know was that her problems weren’t with me. No matter how badly I got the side effects of her inner turmoil I understood that the problem was completely on her end and until she realized that fact there wasn’t a lot I could do. The only advice I can give you is if you understand WB’s issues, and it sounds like you do, then put faith in him figuring it out eventually. Grace and I went through this horrible cycle where one of us would fall down emotionally and the other would have to pick them up, which would exhaust the other and cause them to fall apart once the crisis was over. We just sort of stopped doing that and focused on ourselves. It wasn’t easy. There were plenty of times Grace would ask me if I needed anything from her and I did, but all I would answer her with was, “I need you to focus on yourself. If I know you are taken care of then that is a lot off my plate”. Or words to that effect.

    Not sure if any of that helps or not. I hope things get better for you two soon.

    Not sure if any of this helps or not.

  2. Thank you Duality for your thoughtful response. I feel blessed to have your advice.

    Grace and I went through this horrible cycle where one of us would fall down emotionally and the other would have to pick them up, which would exhaust the other and cause them to fall apart once the crisis was over.

    This is exactly what I think has been happening. I’ve tried to stay away from Wonderboy’s end, but it just seems to lead to total void of connection between us. His way of dealing with things is to withdraw and barricate himself alone. I think you are absolutely right in comparing our situations and also on your advice. I’m just not sure, how to incorporate it to our life. He doesn’t let me not take part in them, as proved yesterday, when he was aggressively accusing me of not doing something he ought to have done himself. (Asked for playtime.)

    There were plenty of times Grace would ask me if I needed anything from her and I did, but all I would answer her with was, “I need you to focus on yourself. If I know you are taken care of then that is a lot off my plate”.

    Maybe this is all I need to learn to do. To let go. Just let go.

  3. Also, I’m really sorry you had to suffer through such a time. But it makes me hopeful that you tackled the problem like that.

    It’s hard to be independet in a relationship with our problems, when those problems affect the spouse so profoundly. Maybe it would be best to think about putting the d/s to sleep for a while… except that seems to lead to me thinking about cheating or trying the lines of our agreements in some way… maybe to get the attention I need. And the punishment. The old problem rises its ugly head again.

    I guess we can move into a new relationship, but we can’t move into a new self. I’ll probably never be perfect with this. I’ll probably always thread the line of cheating (in my mind), lure attention of others than my lover. I just have to come to terms with that. It’s not cheating to do the things I’ve done, so why am I punishing myself for it so hard?

    😦

  4. Oh, sweetie. Hugs.

    One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard is that scenes, even (maybe especially) punishments, should only be undertaken when the anger and hurt have passed, so that it becomes a way of reconnecting rather than a new way of arguing. I wonder if this might be something for the two of you to talk about.

    Also, have you considered couple’s counseling? It strikes me that it might be good for you two to have some help getting back on track with communication.

  5. Grace and I stopped the D/s stuff for about two years, but I would be hesitant to suggest that course for you. With me being a Dom, there was always this feeling that I had that I owned her. That never disconnected no matter how bad things got and because of that I was able to have faith that things would eventually right themselves. And I would tell her, when her doubts would surface, that I owned her and that if I wanted to I could impose my will upon her, but it was my choice that I didn’t. That strategy doesn’t exactly work for a submissive with the script being flipped.

    My advice really is two fold. The first is you need to ask WB a question and its a question that you need to give him time to think about. Don’t accept an immediate answer because he needs to get to some sort of neutral headspace in order to think about it. The question is, “Did you stop taking anti-depressants because not taking them made you happier or did you stop taking them to get back at me?”. The reason for the question is some anti-depressants don’t work for some people. Body chemistry is different for each person so some just won’t work and in fact can make things worse. That’s why almost all of them carry a suicide warning on them. So if he’s happier off of them, chances are he needs to go see his doctor again and try something else. But if he’s stopped taking them because of you, that’s a bigger issue and one that the two of you need to sit down and discuss. The second part of my advice is echoing feministsub’s advice and getting you two into counseling. Its entirely possible that counseling for WB won’t work until his home life is more stable. I know that sounds a little like “Which came first, the chicken or the egg”, but I can tell you from experience that he may not be ready to tackle any of his own demons until he knows that home is a safe environment for him where he can afford to be vulnerable. And its possible that counseling will help you with your own problems as well.

    Last bit to think on. Understand that submission to someone you love does not equal being completely cast adrift to that person’s whims. When you submit to someone you love, you become part of them. In a very similar way to how he owns you, you own him as well. Its like being his arm. Yes, he controls that arm, but he also has to listen to that arm when it hurts or when its tired. You two are connected. You need to make him understand that if he’s hurting himself that its not okay with you because he’s hurting you as well.

  6. When he hit me as a punishment for talking with Joe, as I started to cry or a little before, I thought about safewording. It wasn’t what I wanted. It was too real. He was hurt. He felt angry. I was very, very hurt and fragile for thinking the things I had. I felt he broke me somehow as I started to cry. It wasn’t any scene in my head. That is a huge problem.

    I think BDSM punishments should never be for real transgressions, only for made-up ones, like if Wonderboy gives you a task to do and you haven’t done it properly. If you do something that genuinely upsets him, I really think you guys need to solve it through talking (and then maybe have rough makeup sex if you want :)). But what you describe here sounds like Wonderboy hitting you in anger, and to try to avenge his pride, and that’s really not a scene. It’s abuse.

    More advice you didn’t ask for :P: it seems to me that it might be good for you guys to take a break from the whole baby thing. The hormones are making you nuts, Wonderboy doesn’t want to take his meds because they might keep him from ejaculating, you’re having sex you don’t even want just because you’re ovulating, and the pressure is winding tighter and tighter…so just stop for a while. Put the idea aside and focus on nurturing your marriage and getting Wonderboy out of his depression.

    I mean, I don’t know how old you are exactly but I know you’re not on the verge of menopause. If you take a few months off (or a year, even)…your eggs will still be there and your relationship with Wonderboy will be stronger than ever. Just something to think about.

  7. Pingback: Fall Out | Past the Hurt

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