I guess I never told you what my punishment was for bonding with Joe. There were a couple.
He hit me. In the face. Mercilessly. Until I cried. Then he held me and said he loved me. He does this nowadays, tells me after we’ve had sex or a hitting scene that he loves me even though he hurt me. He also said he wouldn’t fuck me that day – and he didn’t.
When we did fuck, we used the new toys. Or more spesifically he used them on me. I think I was hurt. I think not only talking with this other man, but bonding with him and him making me feel… special, desired, painless had affected me, shaked me to my core. I actually didn’t want to have sex with Wonderboy. I couldn’t feel anything.
I really don’t feel like describing it more. The next time was okay, because I did all the work on top and somehow could get lost in the moment. But the time we had to have sex because of the ovulation. I just wanted to say no, when he was on top of me putting his hand around his cock and guiding it in. I wanted none of it and still I stayed silent. He got me off by forcing his whole hand in my mouth. The small moment there was intense. But although I kinda had an orgasm (hah), I still didn’t feel anything. Anything. The cock inside me felt just mostly uncomfortable probing my folds. It made me feel nausea.
I’ve been wondering why it’s so hard for me to say what I want and don’t want. We always come back to this, no matter how far I think I’ve come. I don’t say it. Feminist Sub once said to me that maybe I’m too hard on myself. After yesterday I think I might have been. Or more to the point, we both have been.
When he hit me as a punishment for talking with Joe, as I started to cry or a little before, I thought about safewording. It wasn’t what I wanted. It was too real. He was hurt. He felt angry. I was very, very hurt and fragile for thinking the things I had. I felt he broke me somehow as I started to cry. It wasn’t any scene in my head. That is a huge problem. And I didn’t safeword, because I thought it would be odd and he wouldn’t understand, because it wasn’t a scene and we weren’t having sex. I feel like crying when I read that.
I did confront him about it later on. He said he wasn’t angry and that it was play to him. But I said I didn’t feel it. Just like I don’t feel him owning me in any way now. I don’t feel anything, but resentment. Resentment for him not owning me and being my master. Resentment for him not making me pregnant. Resentment for his building emotional problems, which make my life miserable.
The thing is. Yesterday he got angry to the point of absurdity, because I had played on the computer the whole night. But he hadn’t asked me, if he could play or even said he’d like to play. At one point I asked him, if he’d like to play, but he didn’t answer. According to him it was too late. So, then came the accusations of my emotional incapability. How I don’t take his emotions into consideration. How I should’ve asked him what he wanted to do! Because I didn’t, it was all my fault.
Okay, so he’s not taking the anti-depressants anymore. I asked him, if he could see this just as one of the outcomes of that. He said he’s been more happy now, without the pills, and was happy before he got home. Before he tried to hug me, but I was more interested in doing the dishes than hugging him.
I know what’s wrong here. I know it. But I can’t say it.
Finally he confessed that he didn’t know, why he couldn’t ask me to get to play. Why he was so afraid that I would reject him that he didn’t even ask. And I was like Aha! This is your problem with everything! With sex too! You never initiate, because rejection is so scary to you. But It didn’t go anywhere from there. I said I know I’ve been off. We had sex the day before, the ovulation sex, and I just didn’t feel anything. That must have left a mark on his heart. I said this to him and he nodded. He was crying, curled up in the music room sofa and he had been there brooding the whole night. I had no idea that he was so bent out of shape, because he said nothing about it to me! I hugged him, caressed his hair… and didn’t feel anything. I felt no real tenderness or love or anything. I just didn’t feel anything. But I wanted him to feel better.
I don’t know how to tie this all together. I decided to go through the emotional loop with Joe, one which has absolutely nothing to do with Joe and everything to do with my need to save every man that’s ever been an clueless, fragile asshole. So, I masturbated to him. Oh yeah. Great – you’d think, right? If you’re infatuated with someone. But no, I didn’t feel anything except huge emotional burden. Like my heart jumps, when I hear about him. I mean come on, the guy is just some guy! Why this turmoil over nothing?
I did come after two hours of trying, but I had to shift my fantasies to Wonderboy and back, because it didn’t work otherwise. Which I think is kind of reassuring. Anyway, it seemed to help. My heart’s not so attached to Joe anymore. I remember the horrible gut wrenching feeling when you really like someone and you’re starting on a relationship or just dating and then you suddenly realize your infatuation is fading. You see all his flaws and wonder, how you ever could think you liked him that much. This is a feeling I get every morning, when Wonderboy kisses me as he leaves to work. I wake up, don’t remember who he is and have this sort of revelation that I’m with the wrong man. It breaks my heart, because I don’t feel anything towards him. Then I remember, and it only leaves a certain shadow in my heart. What if one day the love’s gone?
But this, my experiment on going through the emotional cycle, it was helpful. It helped me. I realized how it’s nto a bad thing to let the emotion go. How I’m not rejected, if I do so and don’t really lose anything. Tears welled up in my eyes and I almost, almost, could feel the very palpable sorrow that wells behind the resentment and behind the not feeling anything. And POOF it was gone. I wasn’t ready to let go of this feeling. I want him to make me.
I wonder, if something like this would help us. The simplest things seem to work. And I’m relieved to say that all this sound familiar, so this is probably something that every d/s couple has to face at one point and also another. My mind understand’s the stress we’re under. My heart cannot forgive for him for making me face this. I don’t know how to change that.
He put the collar on me to remind me that I’m owned, but when the sex was bad and I was so out I couldn’t even say it, I realized I needed him to take it off. He took it off immediately, when I asked anxiously.
What can I do to make things better? he asked and I answered, Nothing. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do.
I just need to fuck and come inside you?
And he turned me around, fucked me from behind and came in under a minute. I on the other hand – – didn’t feel anything.
So here we are.