We had a day long text message fight. Hadn’t had those in a while. I don’t want to get into the spesifics, but I’ll tell you what about. He didn’t want to have sex at all this week. Too tired. His cock had a bruise in it (awww). But he didn’t acknowledge the fact that maybe it’s emotionally too taxing because of the infertility sorrow. That maybe the infertility is a real thing we both are trying to fight, but can’t – and it’s effecting our sex life. No, that couldn’t be it!
Now, he thinks our main problem is the fact that we don’t have sex. He doesn’t see that there’s a world of reasons behind the not having sex. So, if we somehow manage to have great sex as we have quite recently it’s sort of a coincidence and nothing’s really fixed. Since he was uncertain of the problem, or oblivious more like, he then decided to masturbate to see, if his cock is still working. And to relax, to get some sleep. Of course I walked in – again – and got hurt and angry – again – because he hadn’t been up to it with me for a long time.
I feel that our relationship is on the edge. Our personal problems are taking more space because of the infertility sorrow, and we can’t seem to tackle them. My therapist is on vacation and though I could call her, I decided that I needed help of a different kind. I made some phone calls and this morning I walked out of the doctor’s office with a new prescription for anti-depressants. Be it placebo effect or not, but the minute I took the first one, I felt better. I felt better having the possibility to take it.
I also contacted the local childless group and I’m going to attend their meeting next month. I see now that I really need help, not just some help, but all the help I can get.
After our fight Wonderboy promised to be better, and so did I. The conclusion was once again to try to communicate better. But when I tried to bring into his attention some negative ways he reacts to me, he couldn’t really see them. No, the problem is the not having sex, he said. He also said that it’s weird to live with you and not have sex. Somehow I felt it was a huge insult. I was trying to communicate that the emotional side is more important and we need to be concerned about it (or us) falling to pieces, and he was like, Yeah, no, it’s just the sex. He also said the worst thing he could have, but I had thought in the same lines earlier today, so I wasn’t as torn by it than I otherwise would have been.
Us not having sex will lead to a break-up.
Sure enough he was right. But the problem isn’t the sex. Sex is just a sign. The problems are elsewhere. I don’t know what to do, if he doesn’t start facing the real problems. He did voice the other problems too, it just wasn’t in the right order. But he did say that the childlessness is a problem. I think he still doesn’t acknowledge how big of a problem it is… Because I think his desires have taken a hit from being a poor stud, for not getting me pregnant. How can we address the problem, if he still doesn’t think it exists or has anything to do with the sex problem?
And while we were having the conversation he just stated over and over again, how it was all just physical and he was just so tired. Finally I said I wouldn’t coddle him anymore. I said that there’s really no use in me caressing his poor head for being tired and then complaining about not wanting sex because of it. I said things would be different around here and that I was real pissed off at him for not having sex with me for a long time and then complaining about it all the time.
It’s your shit, so get it together, I exclaimed.
That’s pretty cold, he answered and started to accuse me of being selfish. I didn’t fall for that one, but explained, how I’m not going to try endlessly to make him feel better, when he is in fact doing something that hurts me. (This is because I’m sure the not wanting sex is in fact not physical but emotional and I don’t want to help him keep it under covers anymore.)
I left the room, not angry, but just done with the subject. In a minute Wonderboy emerged from the bedroom, came to hug me and tried his best to talk about the problems we have and what they mean. That’s when he said the sinister this will lead to a break-up thing.
And whereas I couldn’t even bring myself to answer Perverse Cowgirl’s suggestion or advice I could still sort the most important things out in my heart. The pain won’t go away by not trying. We had that conversation already. It really is time to realize that there’s not much we can do – or choose. We’ll either succeed or fall with this. There really is no other way. There is no compromise I could make in this matter and still love Wonderboy. So, if I end up not loving him by trying to conceive… Well, there just isn’t as much choice as you sometimes might think there is.