Love

Fall Out

We had a day long text message fight. Hadn’t had those in a while. I don’t want to get into the spesifics, but I’ll tell you what about. He didn’t want to have sex at all this week. Too tired. His cock had a bruise in it (awww). But he didn’t acknowledge the fact that maybe it’s emotionally too taxing because of the infertility sorrow. That maybe the infertility is a real thing we both are trying to fight, but can’t – and it’s effecting our sex life. No, that couldn’t be it!

Now, he thinks our main problem is the fact that we don’t have sex. He doesn’t see that there’s a world of reasons behind the not having sex. So, if we somehow manage to have great sex as we have quite recently it’s sort of a coincidence and nothing’s really fixed. Since he was uncertain of the problem, or oblivious more like, he then decided to masturbate to see, if his cock is still working. And to relax, to get some sleep. Of course I walked in – again – and got hurt and angry – again – because he hadn’t been up to it with me for a long time.

I feel that our relationship is on the edge. Our personal problems are taking more space because of the infertility sorrow, and we can’t seem to tackle them. My therapist is on vacation and though I could call her, I decided that I needed help of a different kind. I made some phone calls and this morning I walked out of the doctor’s office with a new prescription for anti-depressants. Be it placebo effect or not, but the minute I took the first one, I felt better. I felt better having the possibility to take it.

I also contacted the local childless group and I’m going to attend their meeting next month. I see now that I really need help, not just some help, but all the help I can get.

After our fight Wonderboy promised to be better, and so did I. The conclusion was once again to try to communicate better. But when I tried to bring into his attention some negative ways he reacts to me, he couldn’t really see them. No, the problem is the not having sex, he said. He also said that it’s weird to live with you and not have sex. Somehow I felt it was a huge insult. I was trying to communicate that the emotional side is more important and we need to be concerned about it (or us) falling to pieces, and he was like, Yeah, no, it’s just the sex. He also said the worst thing he could have, but I had thought in the same lines earlier today, so I wasn’t as torn by it than I otherwise would have been.

Us not having sex will lead to a break-up.

Sure enough he was right. But the problem isn’t the sex. Sex is just a sign. The problems are elsewhere. I don’t know what to do, if he doesn’t start facing the real problems. He did voice the other problems too, it just wasn’t in the right order. But he did say that the childlessness is a problem. I think he still doesn’t acknowledge how big of a problem it is… Because I think his desires have taken a hit from being a poor stud, for not getting me pregnant. How can we address the problem, if he still doesn’t think it exists or has anything to do with the sex problem?

And while we were having the conversation he just stated over and over again, how it was all just physical and he was just so tired. Finally I said I wouldn’t coddle him anymore. I said that there’s really no use in me caressing his poor head for being tired and then complaining about not wanting sex because of it. I said things would be different around here and that I was real pissed off at him for not having sex with me for a long time and then complaining about it all the time.

It’s your shit, so get it together, I exclaimed.

That’s pretty cold, he answered and started to accuse me of being selfish. I didn’t fall for that one, but explained, how I’m not going to try endlessly to make him feel better, when he is in fact doing something that hurts me. (This is because I’m sure the not wanting sex is in fact not physical but emotional and I don’t want to help him keep it under covers anymore.)

I left the room, not angry, but just done with the subject. In a minute Wonderboy emerged from the bedroom, came to hug me and tried his best to talk about the problems we have and what they mean. That’s when he said the sinister this will lead to a break-up thing.

And whereas I couldn’t even bring myself to answer Perverse Cowgirl’s suggestion or advice I could still sort the most important things out in my heart. The pain won’t go away by not trying. We had that conversation already. It really is time to realize that there’s not much we can do – or choose. We’ll either succeed or fall with this. There really is no other way. There is no compromise I could make in this matter and still love Wonderboy. So, if I end up not loving him by trying to conceive… Well, there just isn’t as much choice as you sometimes might think there is.

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10 thoughts on “Fall Out

  1. AndrewVanbergen says:

    I think I might be able to help with Wonderboy’s perspective because some of it sounds like where I was with my ex.

    “But the problem isn’t the sex. Sex is just a sign. The problems are elsewhere. I don’t know what to do, if he doesn’t start facing the real problems.”

    I think you may be half wrong and half right here. Sex is a sign for you, the real problems are elsewhere for you. What you see as the real problems create a reluctance to have sex; the emotional problems are the root. I won’t try to explain that because obviously you know it better than I.

    Let me describe some things about my experiences that might be similar to what Wonderboy is thinking and feeling, and take some guesses as to how things in your situation might work with those feelings.

    I can’t express how painful it is to live with a wife who doesn’t want to have sex with you. The only reason I did not kill myself was that I loved her and it would hurt her; I was starting to think how to fake my accidental death.

    It destroys your self-esteem daily, hourly, minute by minute. Every time you think how beautiful she is, you think how she doesn’t want you. You start to avoid looking at her because you know the thought she doesn’t want you will stab you like a knife. Every time she says she loves you, it feels like she’s saying it to mock you. You start to avoid her because you know your presence is just a burden. You feel so worthless it’s inexpressible. It creates depression, despair, and total enervation. You married her and you’re still too worthless to her to have sex with. That was it, the last thing you could give her, yourself, and it wasn’t enough. What hope is left? Why do anything at all? Why even have sex when you know she doesn’t really want it? Masturbation is better; at least your hand wants it.

    He expressed worry about what kind of a father he’d make, and you didn’t seem concerned. Perhaps he feels like he is only a device to get you a baby, and one that doesn’t even work?

    Even the style of D/S might play into it. I love footjobs because it feels like that way I’m not asking too much; it fit my terrible self-image. Wonderboy and you both go for a style in which you are just an object for him to use; perhaps he feels like you don’t really want him, and he might as well acknowledge that. He might really get into it in the moment because it fits his self-image as undesired, and he might crash afterward because it reinforces his self-image as undesired.

    Please, if anything matches here, don’t let it make you feel guilty. None of this is obvious! (Even though he probably feels like it is; I did). If he’s feeling that way it’s because you didn’t know, not because you didn’t care. And further, none of it is the problems you see, which are just as real.

  2. Let me describe some things about my experiences that might be similar to what Wonderboy is thinking and feeling…

    With respect, Andrew, I think you’re bringing your personal biases into this a little. From what I’ve read here it’s Wonderboy who’s been turning down sex. Rogue is usually the one asking for playtime (note that just a few posts ago she spoke of asking WB for permission to touch his penis, and WB was like “Yeah, but only a little bit because I don’t actually want to get aroused/have an orgasm”) – and on those occasions when Wonderboy was interested and Rogue wasn’t, she (usually, from what I can tell) went along with it anyway.

    To me, this post reads as Wonderboy going “Our relationship is in trouble because we’re not having sex often enough!” and yet he’s the one who keeps turning it down. Which infuriates me.

    I would guess that Wonderboy is buying into the stereotype that “real” men want to fuck anyone, anytime; it’s not manly to admit that one’s libido is tied to trust and intimacy and other squishy emotions. That’s how women are supposed to be, not men. And so WB won’t acknowledge that the lack of sex is due to emotional issues. Perhaps the need to feel manly is also giving him feelings of failure for not being able (so far) to make a baby – I think you may be right about that part.

    And incidentally, even if the issue was simply lack of sex – WB needs to propose ways to fix things! If he’s too tired for sex, it’s time for him to examine why. Maybe he needs to find a job with a shorter commute. Maybe the mattress is old and uncomfortable and a fancy new bed would help him sleep better. Maybe he prefers sex in the morning and Rogue prefers it in the evening and they need to come to some sort of compromise. But I don’t get the feeling WB tried to fix the lack of sex, just announced that it’s a problem and then shrugged helplessly.

    Rogue, I’m glad you told WB to get his shit together. I’m thinking of both of you and sending you my love – I really, really hope you guys can start communicating better and work things out. ❤

  3. Andrew,

    Every time she says she loves you, it feels like she’s saying it to mock you. You start to avoid her because you know your presence is just a burden. You feel so worthless it’s inexpressible. It creates depression, despair, and total enervation.

    This is about exactly the way I feel. I know he feels devastated too for not being able to satisfy me, but really, he is the one not trying to change it. I’m pretty sure the problem is not in the sex, but in the fact that he stubbornly refuses to change his life into a one where he would have time, energy and wouldn’t feel totally encumbered by his worklife. It is his responsibility to change these things. I’ve waited for the change, talked about it, invented new stragegies, encouraged him, sent him links of new jobs and helped him write applications for jobs nearer to our home or to his heart and encouraged him to go to therapy and get some help – for more than 1,5 years. Really, my arms won’t hold him anymore. I get upset over it taking over our whole life, even the one thing that truly makes us happy, connected and loving, sex. But nothing seems to push him over the edge. I need to fall over first, before he starts taking this seriously.

    Now I have fallen. I’m waiting for it to take it’s toll on him. I’m waiting for him to be an adult and face his fears. Go to therapy. Get a new job, any job. I can’t do it for him. Neither can I force him into having meaningful sex with me or to even express his or my sexuality with me. What I can do is put my foot down and wait.

  4. PC,

    Rogue, I’m glad you told WB to get his shit together. I’m thinking of both of you and sending you my love – I really, really hope you guys can start communicating better and work things out. ❤

    Thank you for this and for understanding. I had a tough time reading Andrew’s post, because in the moment (and in every given moment really) I always seem to doubt myself and blame myself first. I couldn’t be sure, if somehow it still was all my fault. But the realization has just grown. This is not my fight and I just have to weather this out. No wonder I’ve been having so much sexual energy to steer towards other guys! I’ts pretty frustrating to be up for sex anytime, anywhere for whatever kind and be turned down about 98% of time and then even chastised for the lack of sex in the relationship.

    I am also very proud of myself and I keep getting prouder, if I can just hold this tought and not jump in to try to sort his problems for him, since that only seems to lead him into a whiny kid waiting for me to fix everything and also blaming me when anything goes wrong.

  5. Pc,

    And so WB won’t acknowledge that the lack of sex is due to emotional issues. Perhaps the need to feel manly is also giving him feelings of failure for not being able (so far) to make a baby – I think you may be right about that part.

    Yes, I believe these issues are entwined. All of these. The social anxiety disorder or anxiety disorder he has and encumbers his life; has lead to a career that’s easy, no real person contact, but doesn’t fulfill him, has lead to him having no friends and thus no one else than me to pour his anger at and no other perspectives to lighten him up. The fact that he hasn’t been able to give me a child. I know it’s a big one. I know it’s a big one for me too. And then the fact that his libido just isn’t up where my is. It’s hard to deal with that listening to all the talk about men being always after it, women reluctantly giving in. He feels too threatened, so it’s easier to just forget about sex altogether.

  6. AndrewVanbergen says:

    I had a tough time reading Andrew’s post, because in the moment (and in every given moment really) I always seem to doubt myself and blame myself first.

    I’m sorry for that, and doubly sorry that it was unhelpful after that.

  7. udalrich says:

    In my experience, sex does often stop just before a relationship ends. However, I think this is correlation, not causation.

    The relationship is typically having serious problems. If the problems are not resolved, the problems cause two things to happen. First, (at least) one partner loses interest in sex with the other and, secondly, the relationship ends.

    I understand being in a relationship where you are not getting as much sex as you desire. In this case, it does seem that Rogue is willing and it is Wonderboy who is the obstacle.

    I hope things work out for you.

  8. Udalrich,

    I agree with you that, when sex wanes, there’s typically a problem in the relationship at large and sex is just an indicator of that. Yes, I believe that any relationship will either end or have to change, if there truly is no will to have sex on either side.

    I know that the amount of sex we’re having now would be more than enough for some people. But of course I compare to what we normally have, what we normally need – not to an average. To tell you the truth I have been pretty okay not having as much sex as I’d desire in the past (or I was working on being okay with it). It’s Wonderboy’s reaction to all this that makes me suffer. He makes me suffer for it now. I think that’s the problem. I am not a machine, so I can please myself and have sex with him, when he really wants it. My libido also is reactive to his on some extent. When I see that he doesn’t want sex at all it dims my lights some too.

    Thank you for hoping us well.

  9. Andrew,

    I tried to answer your comment, but emotions just got the best of me earlier. I needed to weave through them, if that makes sense.

    Now,
    I thought it was a beutiful description of feeling neglected and rejected – and even though our situation is reversed in the sexual sense from yours, I still think many of those feelings are what Wondeboy is feeling. He must cope with the fact that he isn’t enough – “every time he looks at his beautiful wife” or “hears her say I love you” he is reminded of what he can’t be. A father and an adequately high libido lover. That’s why I don’t think that your comment was unhelpful, and I certainly cherish your willingness to open up on such a tough emotional thing. It made me see many things in a different perspective from mine, and actually made me feel more loving towards Wonderboy for thinking that many of those feelings are what he’s tackling – even though he “is to blame” for the situation.

    It’s dangerous to put your heart out there, sometimes there are misunderstandings, sometimes hurt feelings, but many more times there’s something new that couldn’t come from anywhere else. So please don’t feel you hurt my feelings too much.

  10. Pingback: To Be My Owned Again | Past the Hurt

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