I ovulated and we didn’t fuck. But we fucked yesterday. There are a lot of things he’s never done before, but does now with no problem. He sticks his fingers in my mouth while fucking me from behind and stretches my mouth like I’m a horse and I need to obey him. He hits me from behind, reaches and slaps my cheek, over and over. But this time he didn’t mold my butt as much, no ass remarks or compliments. I found out why after sex.
I’m way thinner now, because of my sickness. I’m trying not to eat excessively even now, because I like this shape. This thinner body makes me remember, how it used to be 5-6 years back, when I was a size 7, even though I still have a ways to go to that. I liked to be that size. I felt good in myself, then.
Wonderboy wasn’t happy after he came. I didn’t come, but I was content anyway. I came close two times and then it just disappeared. The meds are doing their thing no matter how low my dosage is. I contemplate on giving them up, but I haven’t yet. This has done me a world of good. To see what I’m like, when I can actually control my feelings – and not only control, but let go of some of them. The harming ones. The ones that make me try to make everything better no matter how. These are a much better fit than the ones I tried two years ago. It was this same time of the year. Huh. Could the darkness and cold have something to do with depression then? I never knew. (I’m kidding. I always knew.)
I asked him why he was discontent and he said because he came so quickly.
We haven’t had sex for such a long time, he said in a whining voice. Yes, because he wouldn’t fuck me, when I was ovulating, I thought, but kept it to myself. I wasn’t feeling sexual either at the time, so he would’ve just had to play rape me to make it work. It’s sometimes too much for him, broken and tired, and it’s not fair for him, when I’m not doing anything.
I wiggled my naked butt at him and tried to cheer him up. But you do like my thinner body, right? I asked and wiggled again.
Yeah, well. Your butt is smaller too, he said. Maybe you just need to add to your butt workout.
Talk about adding insult to injury. This is what was making him unhappy about the sex that just passed? What am I supposed to do about that? He wants me thin, likes me thinner, asks me to workout and eat less and when I do and end up getting really awesome results (with the help of a little stomach flu), he is looking down his nose, because my butt has also lost weight! It’s smaller! What a shock. And since I’m me and can never defend myself, I answer him with,
I am already mostly doing workouts for my butt. I have small hips. I can’t get a really big booty and be thin.
That’s the God awful truth. But you know what? I’m really beginning to be pissed off at him for making me feel this way. Is it really appropriate to brood – to me – about my body and what about it doesn’t fit his ideal? I would never do it to him – or anyone! He’s grown a bit of a belly and I always try to find ways to compliment him so he wouldn’t feel bad about it. I know that feeling insecure about your body doesn’t really help. Why is he being such an ass?
I guess – because I’m helping him. If I’d react like a normal person with indignation and start crying and calling him names, maybe he’d realize that he should keep those kind of thoughts to himself. That people are sensitive about their bodies and fitting the ideals and pleasing their partners and that it’s usually a good idea to not insult the body of a person you are sleeping with. Just a helpful hint. Doesn’t really make me want to hit the gym to be more fuckable for him. I mean what the fuck is he expressing his discontent about it to me? I’d maybe get it, if I’d put on like 10 kg in a short time. But I think I’ve actually lost 5 kg or more and also toned a lot. My little sister commented that I look just like I did, when I was size 7. Boy, did she make me happy.
I seem to remember this sort of thing happening before, when I’ve tried to change my body to feel better. And I seem to remember Wonderboy’s reaction discouraged me from trying.
Wellp, I’m not going to let him fuck with my head this time. I’m gonna strive for size 7, healthy and sensibly, and if my butt gets even smaller, I’ll just try to find solace in the fact that probably 80% of guys and girls out there would find it even more fuckable in its reclamed firmness.
I also wonder, not even just a little, how much my orgasmic challenges affect him – once again. Talking with him is much easier. I’m not defencive at all and can talk about my sadness in a new way – honestly and right away. He has learned to ask me, without defencive anger, why am I feeling sad or am I worried about something – like he did yesterday. It gives me a sense of him caring and also trying to resolve things. So that has become easier, the communicating. But I still feel that he doesn’t see me as a separate enough person from himself. That he still keeps on pouring his own bad feelings on me even though we’ve discussed it many times. Where can I hide from them, huh?
We did have an honest and non-hostile conversation about babies. When we didn’t have sex on my ovulation day or the day before, I made it a point to ask him about it. He said he’d lost his hope in us getting pregnant by normal means. He worried about my cervix being too tight and small for the sperm to swim in (I swear!) and dind’t quite understand or believe that the problem might actually not be on my end, even though he is the one whose sperm isn’t lively enough. He said he wanted to take a break from counting the days and forcing himself, as I had said we would, before I started to have these huge ovulation pains and had to count the days. So, I said okay then. Let’s do that. That sounds good. It was a relief of sorts for me too. Not having to wait and hope and try and fight. Just wait for the doctor and the next medications. Just relax a bit.
When he was hugging me, I asked him, maybe crying a teensy bit, did he think that he could at all consider having two kids. I told him, that him saying we would only have one had made me pretty sad.
And he answered yes. Yes he could.
The next doctor’s appointment is on Valentine’s day. Happy Valentine’s day to me!
Ps. I called him later today and we talked a bit on the phone. He said he likes how my body has changed and thinks I have a great ass and that I should keep working out and that he’s proud of me. So there. End of bitching. For today. But, oh, what tomorrow will bring?
Also, I know that he could never make me unhappy, so much so, that I didn’t think to blackmail him into agreeing to try for two children. That’s why I waited many, many years to even start trying and cried many a times secretly in the bathroom, when my period would eventually start. I don’t want to force him. I want him to want it too. Children aren’t a present and they are not my hobby or my thing. They’ll be ours, if there’ll be any.