Pregnancy, Volatile bodies

Some hopeful thoughts, some bad news and some thanking of lucky stars

I did the stupid thing and did a home pregnancy test. This is the first time in half a year I’ve actually felt the need to do it. I was already almost certain that my period is starting, but the signs have been wholly different – no spotting, no aching nipples or irritation. Maybe my hormonal balance has been positively affected by the hormones I took. I’m hopeful, still. Very hopeful. I’ve got new hormones that I’ll start next week, and they might help. There are a lot of stories about them helping.

But it felt like a giant red flag of “you’re never gonna get it, never never gonna get it” to see the oh so clear line, just one, on the test. No plus. No plusses for me. I had forgotten how bad proof feels like. The things, the normal things, that are supposed to be carriers of good and life changing news. The last test I did was last summer, after which I went to the doctor, who insisted I hadn’t been pregnant at all. No plusses then either. And never before.

The last time I went to my fertility doctor I had written down some questions. I had added the dates of my biochemical pregnancies on the paper, because I read that problems with progesterone can lead to them, and you need a certain hormone to help with that. She didn’t write it off this time. She only said that they couldn’t do the chromosome compability test I was asking for, because my biochemical pregnancies were without a proof.

Scientifically, she said, we can’t know. But don’t you worry, she added. If it takes much longer, we’ll do those tests too.

And after I’d asked all the terrifying questions, she wanted to hold on to the paper. She put it in our files. I felt I was being believed for the first time. They heard me.

Still, what I came out with is this: there is something wrong with my hormonal balance. The embryo isn’t implantating, because of that. It all makes sense now. All the hurting, the stabbing pains and the sudden cramps, the numb thud and the nausea. I’m experiencing the effects of early pregnancy hormones, but my body just can’t cling on to those little fuckers. It’s as I feared.

But then again: being proved right isn’t the worst thing that could happen. Being taken seriously, conversed with, and explained how these new hormones might help and have helped many in my situation. Well, it makes me hopeful.

Do you know what makes me even more hopeful?

The fact that I now know that if we aren’t pregnant by the end of August, we are starting IVF in the Fall. That is what the doctor told me. She said there was no use waiting any longer, and by golly, I think that 2 years is enough of waiting – don’t you? Enough of hormones, enough of home pregnancy tests, enough of sorrow, timed sex and crying and hoping in vain.

I am focused on the IVF. And after reading loads of infertility blogs and discussions – and I highly recommend this one: 999 ways to laugh – I realize, how incredibly, undeniably and more to the point undecervingly lucky I am to have been born into a country that offers infertility treatments as public healthcare. When I read that people were paying 10 000 dollars for just starting the treatments, and how poorly they are treated, it occured to me that I am one of the lucky ones. My country, my blessed homeland, has done one thing right. They don’t want that only the rich and famous get to reproduce. They think, or we think, that reproducing is a basic human right. I have to agree with that. Because I couldn’t do this, not even with loans of sky high interest rate – if I didn’t live here. The gods of probability didn’t make me wealthy, but they planted me here in Scandinavia.

Now I await for my IVF like a lady. I await for the needles and doctors in white coats. I await for my little, baby follicles to be washed with Wonderboy’s thoughtful sperm and placed into my uterus in a holy ritual called the IVF. I await for the plus to emerge in that little plastic thingy of scientific proof. I believe in the power of modern medicine. More than anything else. I don’t believe in God, but I believe in us. And I believe a little bit in the new hormones, too. But only secretly in my heart of hearts. Don’t you go telling anyone!

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7 thoughts on “Some hopeful thoughts, some bad news and some thanking of lucky stars

  1. I’m so sorry guys. This new writing tool for Worpress totally did not work and posted the thing as I was writing it like a thousand times. This is what I came up with and sorry for the wonderfully postmodern tactic of posting it in tiny fragments. I trashed them now. Nice reading I’m sure…

    And thanks WordPress for making this platform harder to use day by day!

  2. I didn’t know you lived in Scandanavia!?!! This whole time I thought you were American. Is English your native language?

    Sorry to hear the infertility is not going well, but glad to hear you have hope and you are being listened to. Best of luck!

    With IVF, do you not worry at all about creating 6-10 little lives and only one living and the rest being thrown away? 😦 How do you deal with that question?

  3. I didn’t know you lived in Scandanavia!?!! This whole time I thought you were American. Is English your native language?

    Well, I’ve kept pretty quiet about it I guess. There’s not as much BDSM blogosphere here, or at all really, and that’s why I’m trying to connect with all you guys. 🙂

    No, English isn’t my native language, I thought that had been obvious. 😀 But thanks!

    With IVF, do you not worry at all about creating 6-10 little lives and only one living and the rest being thrown away? 😦 How do you deal with that question?

    Trigger warning of some sort, I think would be prudent here. Do not read my answer, if you are very uncomfortable with the idea. I know I wish I hadn’t had to think about it.

    Sexperts,

    I actually hadn’t thought about it that way. I don’t really see a four cell level embryo as a person, yet. It’s a possibility that would and – has – gone to waste in my own body too. But yeah, I can’t say that I’m happy to know some of them might go to waste, quite literally. There really is no other option, if we go that far. That is how I cope.

    Also, there’s some ambiguity between scholars, even in the bible belt, where pregnancy starts from. It’s really only a viable embryo and a pregnancy, if the embryo implantates. So, I guess that’s how I think about this, even though I’ve thought about it differently, when I’ve felt the fertilization happen in my own body. Four cells don’t a human life make. It’s not possible, or legal, to implantate more than 2 here, so they can’t put them all in, if there are many, because that could jeperdize the whole pregnancy and the lives of the implantated ones. I think that at this point, at the start of a human life, it’s my body who is the live body. If I’m not carrying the embryo, it’s not really alive at all.

    But this is a really hard question. I don’t blame you for bringing it up, but I do hesitate to post this answer. I don’t believe in God, and so I have no Bible to go by, which I’m happy about in this respect. I know people, who have turned IVF down for religious reasons and I feel immensely sad for them. If ther is a God of love and knowledge, I think there is no way they would not allow reproduction by any means possible. But my thoughts on God have never been in line with how the Bible is interpretated in our time.

  4. IUD’s work by not letting the four cell level embryo to implantate either. It’s a common method of birth control. Why should I feel worse, because I know, if the eggs fertilized or not? Am I more responsible? Should wearers of IUD’s suffer some moral consequences? I think not.

  5. Also, having had some time to think about this, I can’t really reconcile being asked that question by someone who just got pregnant naturally and didn’t have to face this for herself. It’s a really loaded issue, one I am very fragile about right now, and I feel like your question insinuates that I am actually doing something wrong – I am responsible of deaths -, if we go to IVF, which might very well be the only way we will ever have children. If even that helps.

    I don’t want to discourage people from asking me questions, but I do urge you into pretty strong moderation in what you ask and how. This is hard enough as is. If I could choose, I wouldn’t want my babies to die either, but I haven’t been granted that in this lifetime.

  6. I wasn’t trying to attack you, I was just honestly wondering. I know it is a very touchy subject for some people, so I hesitated before asking, but I decided that you have always been very frank and open with questions so I went ahead. I did try to word it carefully though, and I’m sorry if I offended you.

    Are you and Wonderboy also considering adoption? If you’ve mentioned it, I hadn’t read it on here. Sorry if it’s a question that’s already been covered here. I know it’s not the same as experiencing pregnancy so I’m not saying they’re equal in the least, just wondering if that is also a possibility for you guys.

    I really, sincerely hope your fertility treatments work for you both. I enjoy getting to know you via your writing and my questions are always from a point of wanting to support you, not attack you, so sorry if I worded that wrong.

  7. Thank you for your answer, Sexperts.

    You probably know this, but I’m gonna say it anyway: not meaning anything by it and just wondering are no excuses for hurting people with your ignorance. I think that a disclaimer of sorts would go a long way, when you deal with a situation like this. Just add a “or if this is too much for you, don’t feel obliged to answer” or “I’m not insinuating X, when I ask this”.

    “Just wondering” about something that is someone else’s tragedy… and asking away. You do realize that’s what grandmothers are for?

    I would strongly urge you and everyone else out there reading this to not raise the subject of adoption (or ethical issues of any kind relating to infertility treatments) unless the couple struggling with infertility does so first. (Update! I actually did a post on how to interact with people who suffer from infertility.)

    I thank you for your support. I find it very important to have you guys there supporting me with whatever happens.

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