I did the stupid thing and did a home pregnancy test. This is the first time in half a year I’ve actually felt the need to do it. I was already almost certain that my period is starting, but the signs have been wholly different – no spotting, no aching nipples or irritation. Maybe my hormonal balance has been positively affected by the hormones I took. I’m hopeful, still. Very hopeful. I’ve got new hormones that I’ll start next week, and they might help. There are a lot of stories about them helping.
But it felt like a giant red flag of “you’re never gonna get it, never never gonna get it” to see the oh so clear line, just one, on the test. No plus. No plusses for me. I had forgotten how bad proof feels like. The things, the normal things, that are supposed to be carriers of good and life changing news. The last test I did was last summer, after which I went to the doctor, who insisted I hadn’t been pregnant at all. No plusses then either. And never before.
The last time I went to my fertility doctor I had written down some questions. I had added the dates of my biochemical pregnancies on the paper, because I read that problems with progesterone can lead to them, and you need a certain hormone to help with that. She didn’t write it off this time. She only said that they couldn’t do the chromosome compability test I was asking for, because my biochemical pregnancies were without a proof.
Scientifically, she said, we can’t know. But don’t you worry, she added. If it takes much longer, we’ll do those tests too.
And after I’d asked all the terrifying questions, she wanted to hold on to the paper. She put it in our files. I felt I was being believed for the first time. They heard me.
Still, what I came out with is this: there is something wrong with my hormonal balance. The embryo isn’t implantating, because of that. It all makes sense now. All the hurting, the stabbing pains and the sudden cramps, the numb thud and the nausea. I’m experiencing the effects of early pregnancy hormones, but my body just can’t cling on to those little fuckers. It’s as I feared.
But then again: being proved right isn’t the worst thing that could happen. Being taken seriously, conversed with, and explained how these new hormones might help and have helped many in my situation. Well, it makes me hopeful.
Do you know what makes me even more hopeful?
The fact that I now know that if we aren’t pregnant by the end of August, we are starting IVF in the Fall. That is what the doctor told me. She said there was no use waiting any longer, and by golly, I think that 2 years is enough of waiting – don’t you? Enough of hormones, enough of home pregnancy tests, enough of sorrow, timed sex and crying and hoping in vain.
I am focused on the IVF. And after reading loads of infertility blogs and discussions – and I highly recommend this one: 999 ways to laugh – I realize, how incredibly, undeniably and more to the point undecervingly lucky I am to have been born into a country that offers infertility treatments as public healthcare. When I read that people were paying 10 000 dollars for just starting the treatments, and how poorly they are treated, it occured to me that I am one of the lucky ones. My country, my blessed homeland, has done one thing right. They don’t want that only the rich and famous get to reproduce. They think, or we think, that reproducing is a basic human right. I have to agree with that. Because I couldn’t do this, not even with loans of sky high interest rate – if I didn’t live here. The gods of probability didn’t make me wealthy, but they planted me here in Scandinavia.
Now I await for my IVF like a lady. I await for the needles and doctors in white coats. I await for my little, baby follicles to be washed with Wonderboy’s thoughtful sperm and placed into my uterus in a holy ritual called the IVF. I await for the plus to emerge in that little plastic thingy of scientific proof. I believe in the power of modern medicine. More than anything else. I don’t believe in God, but I believe in us. And I believe a little bit in the new hormones, too. But only secretly in my heart of hearts. Don’t you go telling anyone!