Passing Woman, Pregnancy, Self-Questioning, Volatile bodies

Stunned by progress

I went to the fertility doctor today to get the control ultrasound. I’ve been taking the new hormones which are supposed to stop my own estrogen production and then somehow fuel it up. The doctor was real busy, but she said everything looks good and that there’s a beautiful beginning in there. I’m not sure, if the egg was supposed to be bigger by now. It’s my 11th day this cycle.

She instructed me to really test the ovulation this time and inform them, if I get a positive. I was a bit taken aback. She’s instructed me to trust my own feelings before, and now she said that I should test the ovulation. She also made an appointment for me in the lab for two weeks from now. She said they were gonna test the progesterone in the last part of my cycle. That’s the one responsible for the follicle sticking in my tummy. That’s the one I think I’m having problems with, because I’m spotting after ovulation and the menstrual pains sometimes start week(s) before they should. Well, now it seemed, for the first time, that she was worried too. It took me by surprise.

She said that if I didn’t get a positive from the ovulation test and if my progesterone levels weren’t up to their standars, I would have to start injecting myself with the LH hormone also. Last time we talked she said I’d only have to do that, when we went to IVF in the Fall. And she said: If we don’t get the hormone levels up enough, we will start with IVF immediately.

I’m left shocked and fragile. Suddenly, everything’s changing. Everything needs to happen now. I thought I knew what was going to happen. I was going to eat these estrogen pills until next Fall, and then we would go into IVF, if nothing had happened. Now it seems that I’m too damaged to be allowed to do that. My hormones aren’t performing as they should. I feel… badgered. I feel broken.

I can’t help my hormones. Those little fuckers. Why aren’t they doing what they should be doing? I have no answers, I can’t help it and I don’t know, if they can fix it, either. I’m already crying over everything and anything, because of these hormones. I take everything as an insult. I feel like curling under the covers and never getting up again. I don’t necessarily feel anxiety. I just feel like crying, if that makes sense. I feel helpless.

I guess I should be happy. They are speeding up the process. They are finally believing my stories about the pains and the spotting and the chemical pregnancies and they are testing just that. I just wonder.

Why didn’t they test these before? Did I suffer through the earlier hormone treatments in vain just because they make everyone go through it just in case they didn’t have a more grave issue.

I guess… I have a grave issue. I guess I have to face that now, finally. It’s not just Wonderboy’s sperm morphology, motility and volume, which were not the best performers either. It’s my hormones that aren’t making those eggs stick around. Those hormones are the ones that make the babies. Those hormones I am so sourly lacking.

I’m just so stunned right now.

Edit. I had a wonderful conversation with my little sister. She said some very wise things and the last one of them was this: Wellp, you have been waiting for this, right? You’ve been waiting for the IVF. You’re just gonna get it quicker now. I’m glad they’re not gonna make you wait another 6 months doing shit that just messes you up and doesn’t help.  Yeah. She’s all too good with me nowadays. Knows exactly what to say.


6 thoughts on “Stunned by progress

  1. I keep seeing you use the word broken about yourself. Please keep in mind that, as much as you want this, still you are much more than your ability to conceive children. All the people who love you, Wonderboy and your friends and family and your readers scattered around the world, we all love you for other things than this. You are just as valuable a woman regardless of how this goes. So go ahead with what you want for yourself, but go more confidently; you never need feel broken if it doesn’t work out how you want.

  2. jnakabb says:

    BIG Hugs.

    There’s never a perfect timeline (although we normally think NOW would be nice). Let’s see what happens, now we have some heavyweights on your team.

  3. Jnakabb,

    true. I was just used to the idea of having to wait for the IVF and injections. As it gets closer, I have to face the possibility that it won’t work, too. I can’t just fantasize about it solving everything.

    Now’s been off limits for so long, it’s hard to accept that things might actually be happening sort of now. Yes. I am blessed with a very good doctor and some other professionals and I am taken seriously now. I just gotta wait until that Friday and then to get the results. But I can do that.

  4. Pingback: Ovulation test no. 1 | Past the Hurt

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